Stress - The Effects

Ok - just a quick note to ask some questions and put some thoughts out there. I know everyone that has ever had these types of surgeories or even really considered having it done has gone through a rollercoaster of emotions and stress. Trust me I know this. I also know that the amount of stress will be different for each us based on everything from our support factor to how we feel about ourselves, to even the envirement that we surround ourselves with. Ok so with all of that said. 1. how many people have been divorced or seperated because of this surgeory???? I know personally it was a major factor in my seperation and then divorce, for me there was no support from my ex spouse after the surgery. My current GF is also a GB member that also became seperated and is finalizing her divorce. 2 Others in our support group just went through this and were married a month ago. No I am not sure of the statistics but the ratio seems pretty hi. So how much of this is based on the stress of this surgery. 2. How many have had to have counsling after thier surgery and weight loss??? I have never had boughts of depression in my life until this year. I have not only ended up seeing a counslor but I also am on anti depressive meds and actually tried to take my life earlier this year. Now don't get me wrong this was not strickly becuase of the surgery but it has played a major role in the way I feel. Anyways just some questions. I am currently doing better and after going from 484lbs last year to getting down to 220lbs I am very happy but still stressed and depressed about life. Nuff Said

Scott, WOW what a post, you are right these are some major issues after having WLS. I am thankful that I am with a very supportive man that has stuck by me this whole time but I see that I one of the very lucky ones, I do see many that are headed for divorce after WLS but I really think one major thing is that people after the surgery reclaim their life and will not just "accept" the way things are. They want more or better things in life as they learn to accept themselves and learn to love themselves. I know there are other reasons as well but that for me is one of the major things that I have seen with friends and family. As for the counseling, I think EVERYONE should/needs to deal with WHY they eat first and formost. If not then you will just fall back into the same old habits, which tries to happen anyways. I know my depression was from the loss of my comfort "food"! Now I have to DEAL with these issues one by one and not just medicate them any longer with what every form of addiction I was into, mine was food at the time and now I have to watch for others as I know I have an addictive personality. Well thanks for making us think this morning. and CONGRATS on your BIG weight loss hun I would just LOVE to punch anyone in the face that every says to me NOW that is was the "easy" way out to lose weight!!! I wish you all the best! Debra P

Debra, Thanks for the post and the congrats and we all have to take things one step at a time. Sometimes I think the hard part is over. Then I truly realize how wrong I was. Scott

Very interesting. Honestly, my feelings for my husband have changed a lot in the almost 5 months since surgery. Maybe it's like Deb said... we just don't want to accept how things were anymore. We feel new and want our situations to feel new, too. I'm not saying I'm on my way to a divorce. My issues are mine... not his! I've basically lost my drive, if you know what I mean, and that's so NOT me! I've definately considered counseling... just haven't put it into motion yet, though. Good luck, Scott! Traci

Traci, I know for me not having the support was a big problem. Also dealing with the changes and other health issues didn't help. I thought that this weight loss would help the rest of the family get in shape and eat better too. But that didn't happen. No walks, no good eating, no water. Just tv, greasy food, and soda. I sometimes don't understand but then again that is life. THanks for the post. Scott PS Stay strong and follow your heart not your head.

Hi, I am pretty sure if something is wrong with a marriage before this surgery, there will still be something wrong with the marriage afterwards. Just like any major life changing event (like having a baby) can add alot of stress to a marriage especially if it isnt the greatest marriage to begin with. I think also sometimes the WLS patients behavior (after losing weight) makes them go off the deep end and start acting out. I am sure dealing with a self-destructive person if very hard and, sometimes in the eyes of the spouse, not worth it. I have a very strong bond with my husband b/c he is not just my husband but my best friend. Lords knows everything I have been through(I have had alot of complications) has caused a lot of stress/frustration on my family but my husband has been nothing but supportive. I probably would have hung myself by now if it wasnt for him. People just call us now "big D and little T" Too funny. I wish you nothing but the best.

Tavia, Thanks for the kind words and the encouragement i hope you continue on with your success and your happiness because life is to short for anything else Scott

Hi Scott, First of all, Congrats on your HUGE weight loss. Before my surgery, I too discoverd how many WLS patients had been divorced. This truly concerned me. In fact, when I went for all my presurgical testing, I actually talked to the shrink about my concern with discovering this. I was like, I love my husband and I can't imagine ever divorcing. She assured me (just as Tavia said) that those WLS patients who later divorced had many problems before surgery, but what the surgery did was to give them the strength, courage and self-confidence to do what was right for them. This made me feel better. And I have to say that most of my new OH friends seem truly happy. So, I guess it was a good thing for them all. Again, good luck with you weightloss and your new WLS girlfriend. Maryellen

Maryellen, THanks for the kind words and the support. It is nice to know that there is such wonderful people out there to help and support us all Thanks

Scott: HI! I think you raise some very interesting and crucial points ESPECIALLY for the NEW PREOPS and NEW POSTOPS to consider UP FRONT on their journeys, perhaps before they hit those bump in the road or potholes! I believe Morbid obesity is a multifactorial (bio-physical-psycho-social) disease and therefore the treatment MUST include all of these factors not just the bio/physical side (*the tool we choose) for the safest/most successful outcome. ESPECIALLY the emotional side of Morbid Obesity and how it affects people and their relationships is UNDER EMPHASIZED and at times in bariatric programs ignored totally! Some people do not even need one preop screening (*HOW SCARY IS THAT!*) The proper use of PSYCHOLOGY is the tool to help us maintain that loss! IMHO!!! You are right, emotional issues are SO common after surgery, WHY? Well hard to say if there is one answer to that, but probably many. I believe everyone should be in therapy for a year at least postop; sadly most are not....It is a very huge lost opportunity to gain personal insight and growth during the honeymoon period! Of course as a morbidly obese individual takes off their excess weight after Weight Loss Surgery their self-image and their interpersonal relationships will also change. But my experience is that this is true of virtually ANY domain in which an individual experiences growth and change. If your relationship is on shaky ground before your Weight Loss Surgery, or if you've "settled" for a less than fully functional relationship with an inappropriate partner because you don't feel you can do any better given your weight and appearance, then of course your personal transformation from a fat person to a thin person will create additional stressors in your relationship. But is the fault with the surgery, or with the pre-existing relationship? I guess blame is not really what we are looking for... Divorce is high and common postop, people do change, we gain self-esteem, we re-evaluate our relationships and what we want, we gain courage to ask for what we need, we no longer have to settle or hide behind our fat! People start to recognize and acknowledge our existence (as no one ever made eye contact with us before!)....Yes we change but our world also seems to expand, we may enjoy our new bodies and the freedom wt loss brings, we aren't couch potatoes anymore, we enjoy going out and shopping, our significant others may of never saw this in us before...They may have a hard time with all the changes even if they are positive. Relationship dynamics change, we start expecting different things and not going along with the status quo. We may get a TON of attention from other people ALL the time, some people can't handle that (as sometimes the significant other used to have the attention!)...It really can be equated to an alcoholic who stops drinking in some ways....The family learned how to function with the problem, what to avoid, how to react etc, when the person gets sober it is a new game, no one knows which way is up, roles change and not always for the positive.... Depression is common post-op, we are losing our friend and enemy in food. We all have food issues or demons so to speak, just because they operate on our tummy and we lose wt, we still have these issues. We have to learn HOW to cope and deal with life without using food as our comfort! *Sometimes we can and sometimes we aren't able to so easily* We have to cope other ways, sometimes it is a hobby others it is exercise, whatever. Many of us grieve our loss in many ways. It is hard. I recommend Counseling if things are bad and some of us may need medication for depression. When we experience severe sleep and appetite disturbances with depressed mood, anxiety, decreased pleasure or agitation or severely decreased energy, if severe it is time to get help.... I think it is hard for those in our lives to understand what we are going through, they may never of been obese and can never understand, or they can't realize the joy we have for this wonderful gift, or how hard it is sometimes to use our tool, and all the things this surgery has brought up for us to look at and perhaps change...I encourage us to take time to realize they may be having a hard time adjusting, acknowledge their difficulties, try and support them as best we can, show them our love and never forget even if they are supportive, we have drug them along on this journey that is really ours! Some issues they will find themselves needing to deal with themselves, such as jealousy. Many spouses realize you are now more attractive to others and it can be scary for them..... My surgery has certainly created additional challenges for my hubby - cooking challenges, living in a household cleansed of many junk foods, avoiding our usual social situations constructed around food only, etc. - and complicated his own feelings about his own weight and weight loss endeavors. Sometimes the sheer force of my increased active lifestyle can frustrate or overwhelm him. So WHO I FEEL AM and HOW I INTERACT WITH HIM has changed because of my 157 pound weight loss. Not only my body size, eating program, exercise regimen and energy level have changed, but the way I feel about me and how I see our relationship and asking for what I need is much much different!!! I am not the same co-dependant, passive do everything for everyone else and forget myself woman anymore, but this is actually positive for myself and our relationship, if I am filled w/ self love then I have love to give, if I kept hating myself inside all I had was hate and could not love anyone else fully.... Certainly we've had to make changes and adjustments in our life and relationship because of my WLS and weight loss, and certainly we need to keep communicating, openly and honestly, about feelings and issues that arise. But, at least in my life, the surgery has given our household a precious gift (my good health and prospective longevity) and not threatened or hurt our relationship too much. I have experienced these things in my own journey, it is hard, I have to work at it, not ignore there are problems and keep the lines of communication open. I have had many a discussion with my husband on how I have changed (and how he doesn't like all of it, all of the time!)! How our life as husband and wife has changed...What my husband needs, what I can give and what we need to compromise on. It is an ongoing challenge, easier some days than others. Our new self-confidence scares us too sometimes...You are not alone. Bad marriages may get worse, good marriages may still have challenges. I think if we make it through the first year, and maintain and communicate, the norm (us being a less obese person), begins to settle in the relationships we have with others, be it friends families spouses or whomever....Time is a factor, patience and communication are the key to your question that has a million answers I suppose! Change is inevitable, struggle is optional! Going to a support group is key for me I went WEEKLY for 3 months preop and postop weekly for a year even though I had to drive 1+ hrs each way it was that important! Now I go to my home group 3-4x yr and run my own for 3 yrs monthly, It along w/ exercise have been keys to my successes. I have also learned, mostly from my conversations in support group/in my individual private practice with other WLSers, how often insecure partners, children or jealous "friends" try to sabotage their efforts, or simply can't accept or deal with the WLSer's successes. It IS absolutely vital to take inventory of your friendships and intimate relationships between making the WLS decision, and to determine whether the interpersonal risks of change argue against your use of the surgery. This is part of the preop psych eval I do..not to say if you have no support you shouldn't have surgery but it is a risk factor to a less than successful outcome, one that may include many more challenges. Depression can possibly be related to grieving the loss of food, decreased metabolism, and hormonal surges from estrogen being released into the body from rapid wt loss/fat breakdown....among other situational factors or genetic predispositions. Here are a few links to read if interested http://www.wlscenter.com/ResearchArticles/Weight_Loss_Divorce.htm http://www.saratogian.com/site/news.cfm?newsid=10199001&BRD=1169&PAG=461&dept_id=17708&rfi =6 This is a 2003 article from a local paper on divorce/wls http://www.usbariatric.com/Silhouette_articles/articles_research.html#Causes_for_Food_Addi ction article on: Causes for Food Addiction speaks to depression postop http://www.asbs.org/html/rationale/rationale.html Marital satisfaction increases, but only if a measure of satisfaction existed before surgery. If marital discord exists preoperatively, the improved self-image may lead to divorce postoperatively. [69] Losing weight does not solve all our issues and we may soon realize it may make them WORSE! Many have the mistaken belief that all their problems are related to their obesity and are disappointed when these psychosocial issues remain, after all didn't everyone say oh your BP would be better our your pain less or you won't be so this or that if you only lost wt...Other psychological issues that can no longer be blamed on the persons obesity or the worlds view on obesity & the Difficulty integrating the changes we experience both +/-compounded with the disappointment of continuing problems can lead to sabotaging eating behaviors ***Do not emerge for months after wt reduction. Sometimes/Usually 24th-36th month.*** Someone else pointed out many Singles/or married! with lack of dating experience may be ill-equipped to handle new found intimacy/attention and may lead to psychological distress and overeating, or a re-emergence of adolescence where they start having all sorts of experimentation (extramarital affairs etc). Years 3-4 was my most challenging one so far, so I am working on the emotional aspects of my life now, self-growth, self-esteem and body image in my recovery..We are never cured of MO we are only in remission. Looking INWARD for happiness is the only way, we will NEVER get that happiness from any external source be it an object or person, it has to come from within, the sooner I started realizing that for myself the quicker I began inner peace and acceptance and found happiness with myself as I am right now, and stopped looking at the external world to give me what it never could... Surrounding ourselves w/ supportive people is a good step, and eliminating the saboteurs is also a positive step, finally seeking personal growth may be the larges step (and may encompass the first 2!)... Be well (More than nuff said huh!) Take Care, Jamie Ellis RN MS NPP Lap RNY 10/9/02 Dr. Singh 320/163 5'9'' (lost 45# before surgery) Plastics 6/9/04 & 11/11/2005 Dr. King http://www.obesityhelp.com/morbidobesity/members/profile.php?N=c1132518510