RANT

I haven't been on here for a while because I have felt betrayed. It was Thanksgiving and after my mom had a rum and egg nog, she blurted out at the table that she knows I had lap-band surgery. This was something I did not tell my parenst about because it was PRIVATE AND PERSONAL to me. I was mortified, embarassed, humiliated and EXTREMELY ANGRY. She wouldn't tell me who told her but did mention that maybe it was someone from one of those meetings I go to. First of all, how does she even know I go to meetings, and secondly, I believed who we see and what is said in the meetings was not to be shared with others outside the meetings.
So this is a reminder of peoples feelings and how when opening your mouth to others, even if you think they already know, can be damaging.

I am sorry that your Mom found out about your surgery and then chose to tell you that she knew about it the way that she did.  You are 100% correct.  We have to remember that those meetings are confidential AND the only attendees should be the facilitators and those who have actually had the surgeries.  I know that there have been times when spouses of surgical patients have been allowed to sit in on the post op meetings. Personally, I don't care that they do, but I think that the group should be asked if it is okay first.  

Funny how your Mom feels an obligation to respect the privacy of the individual who betrayed you by telling her your secret, but she couldn't keep your secret private or at least let you know that she knew about your surgery privately and not at the table in front of everyone.  

That's how I feel. That she's protecting this person and putting them in front of my feelings. Thank you for understanding. I knew the people here would understand and this is where I can get support. THANK YOU

Hi Jamie,

I am so sorry you have had to endure someone who obviously puts their agenda before another's privacy.  I agree that individuals who come to the meetings for support only should be held to the same standard of confidentiality as all the rest of us.  Additionally, people who have gone through this should also understand and respect each and everyone's individual needs and privacy.  There are several people who have come to me and asked me not to say anything, either through posting on Facebook, or in general conversations.  I have been more than happy to honor their request.  It is a very simple thing to do. 

I think though, you need to talk to your mother, and tell her how you feel, and that it is very hurtful that she is protecting this person over her own child's wishes.  I know from experience, that one day she will be gone, and you will never have a chance to tell her how you really feel.  I know that will be the hardest thing you will do, but you will be the better person for doing it. 

Hi Jamie,

I would feel exactly the same way you do about being betrayed by your own mother!  I'm fuming for you!  What makes her think she can treat you like that?  I agree with Martha that you should have a conversation with her about how much she hurt you.  Does she know others who attend the support groups?  How did she find out?  Don't let her or anyone else derail you.  You are doing SO good.  I wouldn't give her any answers to her questions pertaining to your surgery.  You come here and vent all you want because we will ALWAYS support you.

Lisa   

Hi Jamie,

I just wanted you to know that your email caught the attention of the Portsmouth Bariatric Team.  It was read aloud at our meeting last night, and the importance of confidentiality was also discussed. 

I just wanted to let you know that your post was acknowledged by those running the program here.

Martha

Thank you so much for sharing this with me. I'm glad that it was a useful reminder. I'm still struggeling with the fact that my mom won't tell me who told her but I need to move past it and focus back on me.

Have a wonderful holiday.

 

Hey Jamie,

I would use this as an opportunity to fully explain to your mother that THIS is exactly the reason you did not tell her about it.  I mean really----isn't it?  I am sure that even sharing that is not going to 'change' her but it might make you feel better....

Are you really that shocked and surprised by her behavior regarding this? I think not.  It sounds to me like this is just 'more of the same'.  

There are deep reasons why you chose not to tell her in the first place.  I do not have a great relationship with my mother and told her only about two weeks before my surgery.  She was ticked off and refused to see me in the hosptial.  Oh well.  More of the same....

It goes without saying that meetings should be like AA or any other support group---what goes on there, who you see there, what is shared there should remain there.  Shame on anyone who gives out ANY information that goes on there.  Very discouraging!  

Michelle

Jamie:  I am sorry you had to endure this hurtful experience.    This is tough enough without having people close to you being judgemental and non-supportive.  I lost my Mom halfway thru my journey last summer.   Before she passed, she held my hand and told me how proud and pleased she was that I was getting healthy.  It meant alot to me to have her support.  Maybe some day your Mom will be more thoughtful and support you in this heroic journey you've undertaken.