I am going to LOSE MY MIND!!!

Just need to rant.  I remember when I had my psych eval way back when, one of the questions I got asked was "Who do you think will try to sabotage your efforts?"  Easy answer.  My best friend, because she is obese also and would feel threatened.  Well, she had Lapband in May so, I figured that's done with.  Before her surgery she had told me that she didn't think she would be able to get RNY because "she's not as bad off as me".  THANKS!  I blew that one off, writing it off to sour grapes but this last one, I don't think I can do it.  She called me last night to tell me she's lost weight and had been having some problems which are now resolved.  Hey, GREAT!  Then she proceeds to tell me she was telling the person at her bariatric practice about her friend who had RNY (me) and how we were in a store and she lost track of me even though I was in her line of sight. She said "I guess I think of you like when we met (we were teens, she was built like a brick s**thouse and I was fat), you know, not thin, not fat, just chubby Shirley."  Great, so you'll always think of me as a cow, AND THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A COMPLIMENT!?  I've heard people talk about friends who are not really comfortable around them anymore because they're no longer the "fattie" in the relationship, but never in a million years did I think I would be dealing with it myself. For those of you who have met me, get this I WAS CAUGHT WITHOUT A WORD IN MY MOUTH.  Now, I'm trying to figure out how to diplomatically say that YOUR ISSUES ARE JUST THAT and I'm not going to go back to wearing a size 26 just to make you feel better.  Fact is, I am shorter than her, and have a much smaller frame so for the rest of our lives, I will probably be the smaller one.  I don't think I can take anymore of this crap.  But, we've been friends for almost 30 years.  Talk about a rock and a hard place, huh?  I've tried to tell myself to just blow it off, but I can't.  It needs to stop.

 

Thanks for letting me rant. 

Hi Shirley,

Wow this really stinks.  I can't believe you were caught speechless   LOL.  Anyway, you really need to talk to this chick.  She is way out of line.  I would just say, well you need to get over that, because I am not "chubby Shirley" any more....I am "HOT SHIRLEY"!!  If she can't get over it, then maybe you need to go separate ways for a while.  You are so much better than that, and you do not need that at all.  None of us do.  Just because you have been friends for so long, does not mean you have to take that crap. 

Hang in there Shirley...we are all here for you, and love you.

Martha

Don't bother being diplomatic about it. Tell her exactly how you feel, if she can't understand what a jerk she is being, maybe you need to re-evaluate the friendship. You shouldn't have to put up with the negativity she is spewing. I know this is easier said than done, but you need to figure out if she is really your friend.

Good luck to you.

I can understand how you feel about her comment, BUT maybe she was trying to pay you a compliment, even though it certainly didn't sound that way.  She might have meant that you've changed so much and look much better than when she first met you - I've learned that WLS not only affects the surgical patient, but all of those around also.  She also has to adjust to all of the changes that are happening with you.  (Plus she's going through her own adjustment period too - a double whammy).  You've been friends for 30 years, so she probably feels comfortable enough around you that she thinks she can say anything (even if it is a case of "opening her mouth and **** falling out of it").  Anyway, with a friendship as long as yours has been, I would probably, in a diplomatic way, remind her that you are the same Shirley you've always been, just that on the outside, you are no longer Chubby Shirley.  Good luck!

I've been giving this matter a lot of thought and am so grateful for the feedback and kind words I've gotten.  THANK YOU.

I think I'm going to politely explain, (via email so she can't argue with me) that she really upset me and that I'd appreciate it if she could think a little before she makes these kinds of comments to me.  I agree that I need to say something, but I think the friendship can be preserved.  I'll let you know how it turns out, but I really want to thank you for the responses. 

good luck Shirley.  Write it, then save it, read it, then change it, save it, then read it again.....you get the point.  Don't say things in haste. Maybe she just needs a wakeup call.  I tell you, you are much more patient than me....I think I would have blasted her already!! 

I wrote to her last night.  I got a read receipt for 10:40 last night.  So, if you see a mushroom cloud over Plaistow tonight, you'll all know why.  I thanked her in the email for all the support she's given me, cited specific quotes of what was bothering me, stated that my feelings were hurt and asked for her to just think a little before she says such things in the future.  If she's mad at me because of this, then I guess the friendship isn't what I thought it was. 

I think part of the reason that I'm being so "patient" as you put it is that this is much more than a friend.  I have no family other than my husband's family (no thanks to most of it) and my son.  I am godmother to this woman's son and she is godmother to my son.  Our kids call each other "cousin".  So, to me anyway, this is an unbreakable bond.  She's family, and family is forever. 

Thank you for your validation.  It's funny, I can give this advice to someone else, but to give it to myself, I hesitate.  I think this is the "settling" factor I've talked about before. (Settling for what people will give you as opposed to asking for what you need). 

Something to work on. 

So let me know how it turns out.  It is hard when that person is part of your "family".  It is unfortunate that sometimes frienships become strained and misguided over just silly things.  Hopefully she will see it this way.  I am glad that you spoke out for yourself.  I think it is important, and part of your personal growth.  Sometimes it is so hard to take your own advise, so don't beat yourself up too much.  She may be angry for a bit, but just keep talking to her, and maybe she will come around.  Time does heal old wounds!

Thanks!  We'll have to see.  I don't control anyone except me, and even that not 100% of the time, lol.

I hope it all works out for you Shirley