Body Image

Okay, I admit I have issues about my body and what my head sees in the mirror as opposed to what is really there.  It's something I'd like to be able to work through and get past.  I've always had this number in my head of what I want to weigh.  I'm now wearing between a size 8 and 10, which should make me happy, but I haven't hit that number yet, and I keep striving towards it.  My rational side tells me that I can stop losing now and be happy here - I look good and feel great, but there's still that little voice inside my head that tells me to get on the scale every morning and count down to my "magic number."  Anyway, I had my post-op support group meeting last night at Tufts.  Someone said something that I thought was inspiring.  She was actually quoting someone from one of her pre-op behavior modification classes.  She said that she didn't go into the surgery thinking of a specific goal weight to reach like she had with every other diet she had ever been on.  She said that WLS is different.  It's not a diet that we follow until we get to goal (think Weigh****chers).  It's a new lifestyle that we take on.  It's not about the number on the scale or the size of the pants.  It's just the way we live now.  All the stuff that happens along the way:  weight loss, smaller sizes, etc. are just bonuses, but it's the change in lifestyle that is actually the life-altering event.   Well, now that I've put it in writing, it sounds pretty obvious.  I know all that, but to actually live it without worrying about the numbers is still tough.  Just thought I'd share. 

I think body image is one of those things we will all struggle with.. especially those of us who have never been small.  My goal since the beginning has been to reach a single digit pant size.  I know its possible I may never reach it due to the way i carry my weight, but its still my goal.   I have lost 75 lbs and want to lose 35 more.... I am happier and healtheir right now than I have been in years... but I still want that goal!  I definatly don't look at WLS as a diet - everything in moderation (well almost everything) I did choose this surgery to change my lifestyle for good!!!!  Not to lose the weight and gain it back again like the million times before.   Its funny how we can all lose so much weight and no matter how the world see's us we still see a fat person.  I know I look better, but I still see a fat person in the mirror.  Hopefully someday my eyes will see what the rest of the world see's!   On the plus side, if I saw a skinny person in the mirror I may not work out as hard   Until then.... Back to the gym!!!  

I wonder if there's anyone out there who can say that their brain has caught up with their body and that they can now see the person that everyone else sees.  If that person is out there, I also wonder how long it took for them to get to that point.  I may cross-post this on the main board to see if there's a person out there like that who exists!

Still waiting for the orientation class at CMC next month.  This process is sooo sloowwww.  (Started with my endocrinologist in April). I was walking into work today and I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the window and thought, "My God, who is that?"  ...It's time.

A few comments come to mind.  Fist of all, this is one of the reasons I do not want to make a goal number for myself.  When asked what my goals were I said things like:  Getting down on the floor to play with my three yr old and up without struggle, to go for a bike ride with my kids without being self-conscious, to go to Canobie Lake and go on any ride I want without fear....  Now that being said, When you start out at over 300---I will say that I will be content with anything where the first number is a 1!  However, I would really like to see 150 and would be THRILLED with 130!  I have a hard time even imagining 130---it seems to much to hope for.   On another thought....body image.  I definately have a very confused body image.  I wonder how this is going to change.  I see myself as SMALLER than I am.  I am often shocked and disgusted at pictures of myself..........that is not the person I see in the mirror every day.  I would say that my image is a good 50 lbs. lighter than the actual me...at least 50.  I have long told myself that 'I am not THAT fat.'  Yeah well---I AM THAT FAT!  So, I look forward to see what is going to happen with that.