For the post-ops: What kind of support did you need?

For the post-ops: What kind of support did you need?

I know that my family and friends will support me, *if* I tell them what I need. What did you need from your friends and family after surgery, as you were adjusting to your new lifestyle?

Hi there,     I'm so interested in this question that I'm going to post it on the RNY board where I spend a lot of time.  I'll let you know what sorts of things I get back - Treading

Well, the first bit of support that I can remember post-op is what I got from my youngest daughter, who was a nursing student at the time.  She came to visit me in the hospital, and on the evening of my first full day after surgery, she broke out the wash basin, facecloth, toothpaste and toothbrush and hair brush and set me up so that I could wash myself.  No one at Tufts had done that since my admission (and to be honest, I hadn't thought about it cuz I was just concentrating on hitting the drug button).  I felt so good after that.  My husband picked me up at the hospital to go home the next day, and he brought a bed pillow in the car, which I kind of hugged when we went over the bumps -- that was nice too.  A couple of days later, my Mom came and got me and brought me to her place, which is on a lake, and I stayed there.  My husband joined me on the weekend and took me home with him on Sunday.  At the lake, she just let me do what I could and rest when I wanted.  Back at home, my husband helped out around the house (which he does anyway), and when I could move from the pureed food stage, he went out and bought me a HUGE shrimp, which he cooked for me.  One of those filled me up, and it was yummy.  I was very lucky.  That was the physical support that I got, and I needed it.  Then there's always the emotional support we need, the compliments from those we love.  I got plenty of that also.  I'm 9 months out, and I still need the emotional support.  I get a lot of it from this board, my friends and co-workers, the hospital support group that I attend monthly and, of course, my family. 

I had my surgery on a Wednesday and came home Saturday.  My husband went to work on Monday and I was pretty much ok on my own.  What I really needed was understanding and patience from people.  I had lots of information, but knowing something and doing it are two very different things.  A lot of stuff I needed to figure out on my own.  As far as the physical stuff, I was pretty good at doing for myself.  My husband and my son did the housework and cooking and whatever else needed to be done until I was told by my doctor it was ok for me to start doing some of this stuff.   I guess what I needed was for people to help me with what I needed help with not do everything for me like I was an invalid.  My obligation, therefore, was to be assertive and tell people what I needed. 

Can you give some examples of what you mean by patience?

I'm fortunate to have a husband who does a LOT of the housework (more than his fair share IMHO LOL!) But as far as emotional support, I'm just not sure how to communicate to him what I will need.

I know that I don't want him standing over me saying "Are yoiu supposed to eat that?"

What I *would* like is for him to come home from work and suggest going for a walk as a family, so that we can all get exercise.

A lot of people "know somebody" who had the surgery and think they know what you should/should not be doing.  Also, I was tired a lot at first and needed to rest a lot.  I walked a lot (a little too much at first actually.  I wound up with dehydration.)  People wanted to visit the first couple of days I was home and I wasn't up for that.   Later on, a lot of people would say things like "oh, you can't go out to eat, right?"  Well, yes I can thank you.  One of the first soft/puree meals I had was the fish chowder from Weathervane.  So, I guess people being patient means giving you some space to rest, and as far as the family is concerned, to really not expect you to do anything at first but take care of yourself.  As far as communication, just tell him what you need.  Period.  How?  Use words.  For example, you said you'd like him to suggest the family go for a walk.   Why don't YOU suggest that, as in "I'm supposed to get some walking in regularly.  I don't want to get a blood clot.  Why don't we all go for a walk?".   You really can't tell him in advance what you will be needing.  Everyone's experience is a little different and what you think you will need might not be anything like the reality.  Wait and see, and speak up for yourself.  You deserve to get what you need.

You're right- everyone's experience is different. We've already decided to start walking together before dinner, but then Friday (the first night we planned to do it) he ended up working late.

I don't have any family in the area, so visitors shouldn't be a problem!

But ugh-- I am NOT looking forward to the comments people will feel entitled to make about what I eat or don't eat. That stuff already annoys me now!

Well, if you're anywhere near to Plaistow and want to meet for a walk, give me a holler!  As far as the comments, you're gonna get some.  Mostly, they will probably be inquiries as to what surgery you had at first and then effusive comments about how much better you look.  Tell who you want, tell what you feel comfortable telling and don't be reluctant to tell people "thanks for the concern, but I'm good" if you get comments or inquiries you don't want to deal with.  Not everyone who asks a question deserves an answer.