Checking in from CA... Can you spell STRESS

Hi All,

As many know, I flew to CA to take care of my ailing FIL and he passed away 2/18. In the wake of his passing our family is struggling with how to best provide care for my MIL who suffered massive strokes over 22 years ago. Ben and I had considered coming to CA to care for her, but we will not be doing so for a number of reasons, including the fact that my SIL and sons consider me an 'unfit' solution because of my mental health/depressive issues. On one hand this 'lets me off the hook', but it also infuriates me for a multitude of reasons. In the meantime, my mother who used to live with me in NC now lives in CA and is rapidly failing. I was hoping to be able to see her while here, but the woman that she lives with and is caring for her considers me to be a controlling ***** and mandated that I not be allowed in her house when she is present which means that I can see my mother once a week. As I told a friend earlier this week, I think that there must be a special place for all eternity for people like that. This is made worse because there are things that my mother needs and I don't have the input or power to help her. It literally breaks my heart. 

I have been very angry about all of this, but that anger isn't helping me... it's just causing my weight to drop, so I've resolved to do the best I can to take care of myself and my MIL until I can get her settled. I'm also working to take care of Ben and Sarah from afar since I had to send them home last week.

My weight is down somewhere between 139/140 right now and seems to have stabilized, so that is good.  I'm leveraging the counseling services that are being made available through the hospice program for both myself and my mother in law. While I've contacted a couple of life-long friends that I have here in the area, I haven't connected with them yet, but I'm working that. I also contacted my Rabbi from our old congregation and will be attending a special service and dinner this evening put on by the Caring Committee... how appropriate! Before I go to services tonight, I am going to the internment service for my DIL's grandfather who passed away a week after Dale. I can't make the Rosary or Funeral Mass because I need to have someone care for Margie... it wouldn't unconscionable to ask her to attend another funeral service just a week after laying her dear husband to rest. In some ways this makes me crazy because my in laws live on the east side of town, but my mother and we used to live on the west side of town... So, I'll be over there and so close to my mother when I go to the internment service and to the synagogue, but not able to see her... :..(

I'm trying to eat better, but it's a bit of hit and miss. I have no idea what I did with them, but I've misplaced my supplements moving from one bedroom to another... that means it's been about two weeks since I've had my supplements! YIKES!! When I'm out today, I'll get some more for me so I can get back on track. I know I have to do that to take care of me, so I can take care of Margie. 

I miss you all and while my heart will always be torn between NC and CA, I'll really be glad to get home. 

Anniep>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>wants to get on her soap box
AS for the person helping your mother sounds like a GD idiot to me.
You are your mother's daughter.
It would seem to me that she has no rights as to weather you can see your mother or not.
Does your mom have a health care advocate in your family?

Glad to read you will be able to connect with some of your old friends tonight at the synagogue.
Be sure and get those Vitamin's.
You have always been a kind and gentle person I think you are dealing with some unreasonable people.
My therapist always tells me to speak my truth and I do it to. Too bad who dosent like it.
Do not be a doormat for other's
                                                                          Annie

Hi Annie,

Thanks for the support. My sister has my mother's durable power of attorney for both legal/financial and health care. She IS my mother's health care advocate and she supports the woman who takes care of my mother and with whom she lives. I think, in part, she doesn't want to 'rock the boat' with my mother's current care situation and I think that there is a part of her that thinks I 'deserve' this treatment. 

For the time being, I'm going to try to set aside my 'angst' at what is happening with my mother and just try to enjoy spending whatever time I can with her. I can't do anything that will negatively impact her health and unfortunately standing up to this mess will do that, so I'll let it go as much as I can. I'm reflecting on this in thought and prayer. 

I did go to services tonight and saw several friends, but one in particular that was very supportive. I came to find out that she had lapband surgery in Dec and is doing wonderfully. It was great to see her and to have her friendship and support. 

I'll see about picking up the vitamins when I'm out tomorrow. 

Thanks again for the support,

 

Who is that person? Where have they been? You are a wonderful person and just want to care for your Mom. Certainly there is someone there that can advocate for you and your Mom to get some more face time. maybe the Rabbi can help here?
Please get some more vitamins. When you do get back home We all need you healthy too. I bet your coping skills will improve when you have all of your nutrients. Keep trying to do better in caring for yourself. 

That person is the woman that helped to care for my father when he was will, became Sarah's Nanny for a few years, then started watching my nieces and eventually opened a daycare. She lived with my parents for many years, until we moved to NC. When we moved, my mother would stay with her when she visited CA. Mom has been living with her for quite a while and paying rent while Edna had a Day Care, but in the past few months Edna shut down her daycare so that she could focus on caring for my mother and she is being compensated to do that. Apparently, I have offended her on multiple occasions and even though I have apologized, it doesn't matter. I honestly don't even know what my transgressions are or when they happened. According to my sister they are very old wounds... Talk about caring a grudge! I don't know what to because I can't do anything that adds to my mother's stress because it causes her blood sugars to swing out of control and also causes her problems breathing. 

I'll see about picking up some vitamins tomorrow. I honestly don't know that I've been off of them long enough for them to be impacting my coping skills I think the 'stack' of current issues, including my grief over the loss of my FIL and the impending loss of my mother are more responsible for my problems coping... When you add the stresses associated with making arrangements for my MIL ... which are HUGE and the issues with my mother and Ben's unemployment and the fact that we will have to move, my plate is beyond full. 

Thanks for your support and concern.

I can't imagine having to deal with all of this. I do seem to get stressed when my routine is interupted so this would throw me for a loop I am sure. You are an amazing and strong person and I know that you will be fine. I am just sorry you have to go through this 'fire' to prove it though.

Ann,

As always, thanks for your loving support and concern. 

Hugs,

Barb, I'm so sorry things are not going well and  I know it's more difficult without Ben and Sarah there with you.  Just do your best, take care of yourself and know that you're in our thoughts and prayers!

Love ya, Alice

Alice,

Thanks for the support, love and prayers... keep 'em coming! 

{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}} to Barb!!!