I'm struggling...

My weight is down to 138. I'm trying to eat more, but must not be eating enough. I've even been eating junk, but it's still dropping. I also realized that I'm haven't taken my supplements in more than a week. I need to get a grip. 

Believe it or not the stress level has magnified significantly since my FIL's passing last week. Maybe that's to be expected. My MIL wants to stay in her own home that she and my FIL shared for more than 50 years. My SIL who lives nearby, wants her to move to her home which is handicap accessible; however, she would require my MIL to get rid of her dog, while losing her home, just after she has lost her husband. My MIL wants to explore every option that might allow her to stay in her home and my SIL is livid. Right now her anger and rancor are laser focused on me because I am facilitating my MIL in exploring her options... My heart is aching. I've lost the friendship and support of my SIL. I feel like an outsider. I feel like my husband and I are doing the right thing. I hope that she can find a viable way to live in her home. If not, I hope that she will see that she has exhausted her options to live in her own home so that she can move there with more peace. I just don't know. 

I have been praying for wisdom and guidance. I continue to do so. 

This is really wearing on me and it shows in my steady weightloss. Funny... If this had happened 3 years ago, I'd probably be having the problem my son's are having and my weight would be going up, instead of down. I guess down is a better problem for right now. I worry about us all. 

I know the stress of loosing an in-law. Try and remember that everyone deals with deaths differently. Also, it is wise after a death that you make no major changes or life altering decisions for at least 6months to a year.
I am sorry for your loss and the stress you are under, don't be so hard on yourself. Give yourself time to be a littl lost and out of control. Time will bring you around to your normal routine.
Hope this helpeed,
Audra

Hi Audra,

Thanks for your words of support and consolation. I think that we are on the same page. One of my concerns is that my sister in law is talking about making some significant, major changes, some of which could be irrevocable. The hospice counselor has advised us not to make any major life decisions for at least 6 months to a year which is why my husband and I are trying to support my mother-in-law's wish to stay in her home with her dog. She has already lost her life partner. To lose her home and the companionship of her dog, just seems like too much. We also have to look at the practical and financial implications of having her stay in her home, but hopefully, we will be able to find ways to make it work all the way around. 

I guess I expect to be lost and out of control a bit. I didn't expect to become the target of my sister-in-law's grief and anger and that is just exacerbating my own stress and pain.  While he was my father-in-law, not my father, I can honestly say that I truly, deeply love my in-laws who have been a part of my life for nearly 40 years. Because of this, I am experiencing my own deep loss while trying to help my mother-in-law navigate the transitions that life has in store for her. 

Thank you again for your kindness,

I am truly sorry for your loss, Barbara.  It doesn't help your grieving process with the family struggles playing a major role.  I believe you are doing the right thing by praying for God's guidance. 

When I said, "My foot is slipping," your love, O Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul. (Psalm 94:18-19)

Lisa

Lisa,

Thanks so much for your condolences and for your words of support. 

Barbara,
I am sorry to hear you are having a tough time. We are having some of the same issues as my mother gets older. She and my father have been divorced for years, so it isn't a loss situation, but more of where she needs to live as she gets older. My husband and I are, for all realistic reasons, are only children when it comes to our parents. Although I hate having to go it alone in the decision making process, I can appreciate that I don't have to have conflicts with other family members. It has to be really hard on you.

If it means anything at all, and I doubt you even know this, I met you once at Golden Corral at a support group event. It was over a year ago, and I can still picture your confidence and beauty to this day! You and your DH have been an inspiration to me.

I hope you can find good ways to deal with the stress you are under and that your weight will level out. T

Hi Terri,

Thank so much for you thoughtful and kind note. I am sure that things will even out eventually. I'm not at risk at all of getting too thin. I'm a bit thinner than I like, but well within norms. 

I do recall meeting you and I'm glad to hear that you are moving forward. It's probably good that you took a step back and then started again. I imagine it will help you as move forward. If you are able to come to our monthly meetings again you might want to talk with Angela Parham. She had the DS about a year ago. She had a much higher BMI, but for her the BMI wasn't the driving force. She had a number of reasons for choosing the DS, but high on the list was the ability to continue to take NSAIDS to help her cope with her arthritis issues. She has been very successful with it and I think she has an even approach to the considerations that surround it.

Thank you again for you support.

Barbara, I know this is a very hard time for you.  I hope your MIL can come to a decision that will be the best one for her.  It would be very hard for her to lose a husband, a house, and a loved pet, practically all at once. If she is self-sufficient, I'm sure she would rather stay where she is.  If she needs help, can she afford a part-time care giver? I'm sure your SIL has her Mom's best interest at heart, but sometimes you have to back off and let Mom figure it out.

Hours before my Dad passed away he said to my Sis and I "Don't let your mother do anything rash for at least a year."  He knew we would try to convince her to leave the retirement community they had lived in for nearly 20 years and move closer to one of us.  We backed off, and she was ever so much happier where she was. Unfortunately, it was a mute point because she passed away 1 year, 1 month and 1 day after Dad.

My thoughts are with you and your family. 

Hi Carolyn,

Unfortunately, my mother-in-law is not self-sufficient because she suffered a major devastating stroke over 20 years ago and my FIL was her primary caregiver. This really complicates matters because she needs 24/7 care. While we would like for her to be able to remain in her home, it may not be possible. That said, we want to help her explore every option, so that if she does have to go live my SIL that she can come to that realization on her own. While she has some retirement income, I don't know that she has enough to facilitate the cost of a care-giver to come in take care of her at home, but it is something that we will explore. 

You are so right when you say that my SIL only has her best interests at heart, as do we all. We are just having some trouble navigating these choppy waters right now. We've been family and friends for many years. I have faith that we will weather this storm as well. 

Oh Barb (((HUGS))) I've been MIA for the past week and had no idea about your FIL. I knew he was ill but nothing like this. It's amazing how people deal with their grief and just how angry some people can become. Be there to love them and support them in any way that you can. I'll continue to keep your entire family in my prayers as decisions and adjustments are made.

- Iris