I never knew how much I really focused on my weight...

My beautiful grandmother held physical beauty in high regard. I wanted so much to be accepted by her, for her to see me as beauiful and worthy; And to be honest, in later years, as we both matured, I was.

My husband and I are now the keepers of the family memorabilia and I was sorting through some of it recently. I didn't realize it as a child or even a young adult, but apparently, my grandmother kept nearly every note and letter that was ever sent to her. I got to see myself through the notes I wrote to her and I have to say that I found it a bit painful. There were lots and lots of letters and cards over the years and in almost every one, well over 90 percent, I mention my weight; trying to lose, the dress doesn't fit yet, have lost 20 lbs., hoping to be my sister's size by summer, approaching a normal size, lost 30 lbs.... and so on. It was painful to see how incredibly focused I was on my weight. It was the over-riding theme of almost every letter or note I ever sent to her. 

She would be so happy for me now and I am too, but maybe for somewhat different reasons. She would be happy to see me 'looking' the way she always knew I could. I am happy for finally shedding the excesses that made it hard for me to fully appreciate me. 

Barbara,
thank you for sharing...
Susan

How touching Barb!

Enjoy the memories and learning more about you! Funny how we think we know ourselves.

I do not have any letters to look back on but I do know every one else in my family was obsessed with my weight, not me! I so wanted my family to accept me and love just as I was, overweight and all. Thinking about it, I believe I tried so hard to excel at every thing else to gain their approval because it was not happening with my weight. No matter how well I did in anything, the focus was always on what I did not or could not do. That is still true today.

I am happy for your accomplishments and being able to get to know you and share in them!

And thank you for teaching me to be proud of my ownself!

Hi Valerie,

I think that your observation that you tried harder to do more really hits home for me... and I'll bet others. I know that I have always bent over backwords to do more and be better. Would I have done it as much if I wasn't trying to compensate? I'll never know, because I only have the road I've walked. 

 

Thank you for sharing this insight from your journey. It's amazing how many years the weight - both physically and emotionally - ruled our lives. I'm just now realizing how I let it hender me in so many ways for so very many years (actually my entire lifetime).

One of the things that I dearly love about OH is the honesty that we share about this journey. It can be brutal sometimes but there is also so much humor here too.

- Iris

Hi Iris,

I have to say that this group of friends continues to provide me with the support and insight I need to continue my journey. You are certainly one of the people that I learn from on a continual basis. I wish we were able to 'see' one another in person more often, but I want you to know that I am glad for the friendship and support.

Ladies, it seems that the more I learn about you, the more I learn about myself.  I never really thought about it until I read these posts.  I always felt accepted but a bit on the outskirts of everything.  I wonder now if I put myself there or was that really my place?  I am in the part of the journey now where everyone tells me how wonderful I look.  It is truly wonderful to hear.  Will I miss it when it becomes the norm for me to look this way?  Will I miss all of the attention?  I don't think I focus on that.  I pretty much feel embarrassed when too much is said.  I do love feeling better though.  Hopefully that is what I will always remember.  Thanks for sharing.

Hi Sandy,

As you said, it seems that the more we learn about each other, the more we learn about ourselves... even if we are the one starting a thread. I think that our personal experiences converge considerably and yet are still unique to us all. I have to admit that the 'OMG!' comments are both delightful and embarrassing; and yes, they do wane as you move further out and your new you becomes your new 'normal.' That said, I think may take others longer to come to terms with the new you in some ways that it will for you to do so. I still run into to people more than 2 years after my most signficant weight loss and find them floored. It doesn't happen as often, but it does still happen. I don't think that you'll really be distressed as it wanes. I think you have your head on straight. I doubt that you'll suffer from a lack of positive attention. 

Re: putting ourselves on the periphery. I think that in some respects it has been done 'to us' and in others, we have done it to ourselves. This is an incredible journey and while the actual shedding of the extra pounds is a major part of it, how we see ourselves and how the rest of society sees us plays a role as well. I think that society is judgemental about obesity. I think we also may have been our own harshest judges... even when we 'handled it pretty well.'

Congratulations on all of your successes... the weight loss and being able to see the new you. 

 

thanks, you are the best!

Barbara,

I can really relate to this post as my grandmother was the same exact way however, since she lived in the same town as I did there are no letters or notes to refer back to.  I know that all of my life I too was compared to my sisters and she always wanted me to look like them.  Luckily I had my WLS a year before she passed away so she was able to see me as I melted away and I got to see her pride in how I finally looked.  It is quite amazing how much we seek to please others with our physical appearance more than what is within, especially when we are younger.  I hope you are/have found peace with this.

Nicole