I'm not taking care of me and it is showing on the scales

Can you spell STRESSSSSSS? I can and I'm hating it right now. My mother used to live with me. We blended households about 8 years ago and it all went terribly wrong for a multitude of reasons. To be honest, I'm sure that there is plenty 'blame' to go around. She used to primarily live here with me and go visit CA. That changed about 18 months ago and she's decided that she's happier in CA. I understand, but can't help feeling both guilty and sad. Guilty that I couldn't 'make it work' and sad that she will be sooooo very far away. You see she's been diagnosed with terminal ideopathic pulmonary fibrosis. She has had a full compliment of Drs on both coasts... In NC she uses DUKE and in CA she uses STANFORD, so she gets good care, but when she saw her pulmonologist here they said that this would be her last trip here. This was just a short 2 month trip and because of what the Drs have said, we've spent the most of the time sorting through and packing up. Because we had 'blended' households many of they things in 'our' home are hers and many are mine. She has decided to gift many items to my brother, so I'm literally seeing my house being 'dismantled' as she gives him a number of the pieces of furniture, art, etc... Of course, some other things are going to others. I know that it's just stuff. I even feel guilty and shallow for feeling attached to these 'things;, but it's still really HARD. On top of this, my husband lost his job in January and has only had one interview, so if something doesn't happen soon, we'll have to put the house on the market and we'll be lucky to come out of it paying off the mortgage and costs of sale. The financial strains are taking a toll on me as are the emotions of packing up my mothers things, having things removed from my house and worrying if I'll even have a house this time next year.

Okay, so now that you get the 'picture' here's the next big stress. Last summer I got down to 132 for a week or two, but I really settled in around 136/8 until December when my husband had his surgery and we found out that he would be losing his job. I started comfort eating. I have struggled off and on and seemed to settle in at a new weight range of 145/147. Well, this past week we were able to go to the beach for a few days and I absolutely threw caution to the wind and gained 2 or 3 lbs. I know that the amount of weight I have gained is not the real issue. The issue is the fact that I have been indulging in behavior that can undermine my hard won losses and all of the health and aquality of life gains I've made.

My overall weight is still at an 'acceptable' level. The problem is that I've been steadily gaining weight since this winter. If I keep it up, I'm going to be FAT again. I'm trying, but I'm falling a whole lot more than I'm succeeding. I'm terrified. I'm terrified, my mom will die and I won't see her again. I'm terrified that my husband won't get a job and we'll lose our home. I'm terrified that I'll keep doing things TO myself and not do what I need to FOR myself so that I don't really let this get out of hand.

I have the Beck Diet Solution and while I am trying to use it, it's obvious that I'm not doing a great job with it. I have contacted Jewish Family Services and have finally been able to get some counseling. When I went to see the counselor she said that will many folks have 1 or 2 issues, my life sort sounds like a soap opera right now... It's true, but I'm really worried about how I am or am not coping. I hope that I can get this under control soon. It feels like a runaway train.

The next few days and weeks will be really hard. I have to finish up packing my mom's stuff. I am clearing my china and crystal out of the dining room china cabinet because my mother gave it and a bunch of other stuff to my brother (after she gave it to me ;-/ ... I'm not sure why this is happening. I want to make sense of it, but I can't). We leave for CA before the crack of dawn Tuesday so I can escort her home. When I leave, I don't know if or when I will be able to afford to come see her again. I am having a very hard time taking care of me right now... I need to find out how to do that.

Barbara,
 I am so sorry you are having so much to deal with right now. You have been so helpful to me and so many others on this site and I'm sure in real life also.
You and your family will be in my prayers. When things are stressful around me I try to realize that some things I have no control over (such as what decisions your mom makes or whether your husband will get a job right away) and try to leave these outcomes up to God. Just try to love your mom and your husband the best you can while they are both going through tough times.
Also you must find a way to take care of yourself. You are sabotaging yourself by eating for comfort and it backfires by making you feel more guilt. Try finding something else to comfort yourself with other than food. Talking to a counselor is a good place to start.
Treat yourself the way you would treat someone else that you cared for. If you wouldn't do it to them or want them to do it to themselves then don't do it to you.
Please take each day as it comes and try not to worry so much about the future. Just do what's in front of you and don't borrow trouble from the future.
Good luck and may God bless you and your family during these difficult times. Jackie

Hi Jackie,

I appreciate your kind words. I'm trying to take care of me and everyone else right now, but I'm truly struggling. I know that I have no control over my mother's decision and/or actions, but have to tell you that to say that it is difficult is a major understatement. Nearly everyday I find out that something else that she has given to me, she has now given to my brother... I don't even really begrudge my brother having things, but so many of these things are things that I thought were already mine. I feel like I'm on shifting sand and it's incredibly stressful. I also know that I can't  control  whether Ben gets a job, but I can help him and I've been working hard to do that. Before I became ill I was very good at presentations and communication... I'm working with him to try to help him cram and prep for his interviews... In our line of work, there usually is a long, protracted interview process. I feel like I need to do whatever I can to help him get a job, especially since I'm not able to work right now. I know that G-d will provide, but he provides the opportunities and we have to recognize them and work hard to seize the opportunities put in our path... I'm trying to do just that in helping my husband. 

I know that you are right about my needing to find some ways to take care of myself that doesn't involve 'hand and mouth' disease, but I'm not sure what that is or what it looks like right now. I think that I'm SOOOOO stressed and out of coping mechanisms that I'm flailing. 

I have to say that I truly am trying to take a day at a time, but I also NEED to look ahead because if Ben doesn't get a job soon we will lose our house. I feel like need to prepare for that possibility. 

I'm hoping ...and praying that things will ease up after I fly my mom home Tuesday and Ben clears his first interview hurdle tomorrow. 

Thank you again,

Barb, I'm send you big {{{{hugs}}}} this morning!  It's really strange how our lives almost seem to be running parallel paths with our weight loss and family issues.  I totally understand and empathize with you.  My hubby has not worked in over 2 years and my Mom is slowly losing her battle with lung cancer.  I'm lucky in that she is not moving across the country like yours; I can't imagine the pain of knowing that your time being with her is going to be cut so short.  As for the 'things"; well, it's harder for you since the stuff is there in YOUR house already.  The weight gain only adds to the stress you're dealing with and vice-versa but you are being proactive in trying to find ways to deal with it.  I've heard many times that many WLS pts gain about 20-25 pounds back before stabilizing.  Like you, I don't want that extra weight back on my body.  We've worked too hard to lose it and now it's even harder to keep it off.  

Just know that all your friends here on the NC board are here for you as you've been here for us over the past.  Give Ben a hug from me and wish him well in his job hunt!

Love ya, Alice 

Hi Alice,

Thank you for your caring and loving support. As you know, we make aquaintances and friends here, but there are some that become good friends... Thanks for that long term friendship and support. 

I'm so sorry to hear that you are struggling as well. 

I will pray for you and your family.

Warmly,

{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}

I shared your struggles with Michael after the last time we met and we have been praying for you and your family.

I pray the counseling gives you an added outlet to combat the urge to find comfort in food.  Take it one day at a time, and even one moment at a time. Continue to pray, cry, scream, and let out the fears and anxiety and stress to make room for the peace that is coming!

There is some lesson or some aspect of this that will make you stronger and that will help you to be a blessing to someone else.

I cannot imagine how you feel with the things happening with your mom. I have always known my sister was my moms favorite so I was able to accept early on that no matter how 'good' I was, my sister would get the attention, the love, the appreciation, the mementos, etc that I wanted. I continue to try to please her, but in the back of my mind, I know it is fruitless.

A couple of years ago Michael was laid off for 9 months. That was such a painful time! Although I was working, he was to the point where he was filing for bankruptcy alone, as we had kept some finances separate. He did not want his finances to affect mine and was determined to do this. We could not see our way out. This was prior to surgery so my weight was bordering the 400+ mark and rolling. Unfortunately, his mother died from lung cancer in the midst of our troubles and left Michael enough money to restore our finances and then a job came through as well. We would have much rather had his mother with us, but her work was done and through her, God provided our means of escape.

We share your pain and your struggles. Hang in there! A better day is coming!

We love you and are here for you with a shoulder to lean on, an ear to listen, and an heart to help in any way we can! 

Hi Valerie,

Thanks for your support and love. I do truly appreciate it. 

You know what's funny is that I have always been considered the 'favorite' child. What's both weird and I think hurtful is that many of 'things' mom is giving away are things she already gave me. It's okay to give to the others. I know I'm only one of 4, but I almost think that she's now punishing me because things didn't work out as we had hoped they would regarding her living us. It's her decision not to live with us, but... It's all such a mess. 

Thanks you for your shoulder, ear, and warm heart.

I hope to see you when I get back and get one of your wonderful hugs.

Love,

 

Barb,

I just read your post and want you to know you are in my thoughts and prayers.  My heart is breaking for you and all that you are going through.  Please, Please, Please take care of you.  And remember that is O.K. to feel.  Not allowing ourselves to feel is what got us in trouble in the first place. 

I am sending lots & lots of hugs your way...................Take care my friend, Carrie

Hi Carrie,

Thanks... I'm afraid 'not feeling' is not a problem for me. I feel like I've been hit by a train, multiple times. I've talked with my mom... I've been in tears for days... They are streaming down my face now. I think instead of not feeling, my problem is I'd like to distract myself in anyway and enjoy something, anything... and chocolate feels good in the short term. It's just not okay in the long run. 

Thanks so much for your warmth and caring,

Barb

Have you reminded your Mother that she has given you these things and you cannot afford to replace the things she is giving away?  Please gently confront her so you will know and understand her, and not be angry. I pray wisdom and courage for you.
Deb