Forgive me Father. It's been 3 months since my last confession."

Good morning my estranged OH family.

     I know it has been a looooooong time since I've been active on the board. I do lurk from time to time and am quite impressed with the progress you've all been making, thrilled for those who had/ are having surgery and feeling the pain of those having difficulty with approval. Been there - done that!
     I always like to think of myself as a strong person and like to be viewed by my peers as one. But the past few months I am feeling anything but that. I have made myself scarce for the simple fact that I don't want to tell anyone that I'm feeling like a failure.
     I am still in frequent touch with several of my OH family members and I've expressed my frustration to them at the extreeeeeeemely slow pace of my weight loss but haven't been completely honest in tellling them why.
     Those demons are back. Actually, I don't think they're even gone. Let's just say they were dormant for a while and have lately reared their ugly heads once more.
     Although I am about 160 lbs lighter than I was a little over a year ago, I still feel disappointed at my progress since surgery last February. I know that we shouldn't compare ourselves to others but I think it's only natural for us to do so. I feel absolutely fabulous health & energy wise. But I am having a hard time disciplining myself with the foods I've been eating and quanities I eat.
     Some days I am "on my game" and feel great about it. Other days? Not so much. I really can't put a finger on the what triggers it. Same triggers as always, I guess. Boredom, emotions and the simple fact that I LOVE to cook and, sadly, still LOVE to eat.
     I eat nowhere near the amounts that I used to...thank God. But my weight has been stuck within the same 4-5 lbs...up & down...for several months now. God! I hate how I'm feeling about myself. I know I can take this the rest of the way. I have to. I've come waaaaaay too far to fail now.
     So, I haven't meant to abandon you all or be unsupportive of all the accomplishments and life events taking place. I guess I just didn't want anyone to ask about my progress...or lack of...and have to let my secret out that I am not as strong as I want you all to believe.
     So there it is is a great big, chocolate covered, carb filled nutshell. Turns out I am only human after all. Imagine that?
     I'll be making my presence known more often, okay? Perhaps it isn't coincidental that my lack of progress came about when I lost touch with you all.
    
Have a great Thursday and keep warm.
xoxo
Mare

OMG - You're Human??????!!!!!!???? I've really missed you online but I realize that life happens. I'm so glad you're back on here. There is so much to be learned for this journey and we all gain insight  from others successes and failures. You are in no way a failure. This can only be described as a bump in the road.

(((((HUGS)))))

Iris 

Thanks Iris.
I know I said I was human but some may still disagree.

;O)

Hiya Cannon,
  Just wanted to say, I feel you!  God, I remember goin thru that stage.  I even complained to Dr. Harris why I wasn't losing like everyone else!!  Its been 5 and a half years.  I went from 290 in 03  to 145 in 06 back up to 175 right now.  The carbs and lack of working out on my part is why.  I so have to get back on the band wagon.  Just sending you some encouragement cause I know what your feeling right now!!

I have an appontment with Dr. Harris next Friday.
I'm fearing a lecture from him, which I really don't need to hear right now. But then again, I always expect the worse. LOL
Thanks Cassandra

Hey Mare,
  You know how he is.  He will prolly say,  ok.. what are you eating?.  Then say.. how much are you exercising?.  Then say.. ok your labs look good.   Then say... you need to burn more than you consume.  HEHEHE that will be his lecture.  Don't sweat it too much.   Sending you a smile,
Cassandra

(((((Mare))))),

I'm glad you are back! I'm so sorry that you are feeling like a failure. I know you might not think so, but I really do understand... at least some of it. You've come a long way baby... but, I think it's really scary when we realize just how much farther we have to go. I think it's when we get out to about a year or so ... whether we've lost to the point we wanted to be or not... and realize that the honeymoon is over, that our heads still rule and that we are treading on dangerous ground. It's really terrifying to see yourself engaging in those dangerous behaviors that you had hoped would be gone forever. I struggle with this myself more than I would like to admit.

It is clear to me that now my 'pouch' is going to be a much more minor player in my ability get and keep weight off than I had realized when I started this journey. I now realize that I have to get my head in gear to help me keep off the weight. That is a scary proposition and I have to admit to faltering, but the difference between now and then is exactly what you said. We've come too far to stop now. We need to support one another as we find ways to identify and manage our triggers. We need to support one another as we look for ways that will work for each of us... and just like we use different surgical methods to get the weight off and help us keep it off, we'll probably need different methods to address the head issues that we have avoided for sooooo many years.

We can't go back. We need each other to help us cross what seems like a treacherous bridge sometimes. We are here. Know that we NEED you as much as you need us. We are in this together and while we will surely falter and fall, we can help each other up and show each other courage and support we need to continue towards a healthy life.

Hang in there my friend,

 

Thank you Barb.

I'll bet you have seen my posts on this before, but I honestly have found this to be an incredible tool to help me 'find the monsters under the bed' and bring them out into the clear light of day. If you haven't done so already, please consider investing in a copy of the "Beck Diet Solution" book and associated workbook written by Dr. Judith Beck. You can find them on Amazon or any other online bookseller and maybe at Barnes and Noble or other local booksellers. It's a 6 week program to help you identify and address the behaviors and issues that sabotage weight loss and maintenance. It's not a diet. It's about learning to think and act from a different perspective. You are a strong woman who has been through a lot. If you remember the physical therapy you engaged in to rehab after your orthopedic surgeries, you will remember that it was hard work, but that allowed you to maximize the benefits of the surgery. Think of this in the same way.

Hugs,

Mare!  Hi and welcome back. I have missed you!  I hate that you feel like a failure and I have to agree with the others 160 lbs is a great deal of success from where I stand!  I understand that you are not where you want to be but look how far you have come. With the differences in everyone's body and metabolism we all lose differently.  And we all trip and fall, we just have to dust our drawers off and get back on the road.  So you tripped, so it took a little while to get back on your feet and get moving, give yourself a break!! That does not mean you are a failure. Just human!  You have been an inspiration to me and continue to be so.  I look forward to your post.

Hugs,