Oh.. those old feelings came rushing back

I swear, just when I start to feel normal it never ceases to amaze me how I can put myself back into that "fat girl with no self esteem" mentality.  (By the way.. dont be offended when I say fat.  I never liked to be called obese or heavy or overweight.. I prefer fat.  I dont say it as a put down for sure.)  This week has been tough at work.  My bosses have been butts and it seems that when people treat me badly I fall back into that "its because I am fat" feeling.  I know many of you can relate to that same feeling.  We all know that overweight people are treated like second and third class citizens in society.. and some of us even convince ourselves that we are only that good because of our size.  Well I will tell you that on the outside I am no longer fat.  However, on the inside that fat girl still lives.  I still look around a room to see if I am the fattest person there.  I still walk around the Plus Size section in clothing stores.  I still cringe when we go to sit in a booth at a restaurant.  I still think "wow.. I am too big for ___insert whatever here___.  I still beat myself up.  It is funny how something like cross words can set all of that off inside of me.  It is funny how this surgery can "fix" your outside, but those old pains, scars and hurts still linger behind.

To make matters worse, I am designing a website for our church.  (Feel free to look.. its still pretty skimpy but I would love some feedback..  www.northwadesborochurch.org)  My pastor sent some pictures by email for me to use and guess what I found..  the old 300+ pound Jennifer in line to EAT at church.  Wow.. what a great thing to see on a day I felt like sludge.  LOL  I even cropped it and posted it on my OH albums to remind me.  I am holding my youngest child in the picture and the sad thing is that you can barely see her for my rolls and such.  :(  Oy.  

I suppose that old country music song is right.. some days you are the windshield and some days you the bug.  LOL  I had to get all of that old baggage off of my chest.  If anyone would understand it would be some of my great friends here.  Thanks for "listening".

That sounds like a pretty lousy day.  I'm sorry.  I know how you feel since I'm still that fat girl.  But I can say you look awesome in your pictures!!  I can only hope to look as good.

Chin up!  You are no longer fat!!

The funny thing is that I think I will always be the fat girl on the inside.  Thanks for your words of encouragement.  It means the world to me!

Hey Jennifer, I can relate! I still have weight to lose but have come a long ways but I still have those feelings. Just tonight as I ate with the other OH ladies in Jacksonville I kept looking around to see if anyone was watching the "fat" girl eat. Were they checking out just how much food I was eating. On the way home I was talking to 2 of the ladies and I told them that I still see the 429 lbs woman staring back at me. I know in my head that I am smaller. Heck I am wearing clothes smallest I have worn in 13 years. But when I look in the mirror I still see the old me.And I am still self concious in crowds or restuarants. I dont know how to get over these feelings unless it comes with time but I think we have seen and had so much negativity in our lives that it is like inbred in our heads that we are the token fat chick. If you find the secret let me know. But you know I think you have done amazing! I can only hope to accomplish what you have.


Melissa

Hey Melissa..  I looked at your meet up pics and GIRL.. you are looking FAB!  I know it is so hard for our brains to catch up with our bodies.  Thanks for your understanding and kind words of encouragement.  THey mean alot to me!

Jennifer, I with ya girl....  I still have those same thoughts and feelings myself.  I still see the Fat Alice in the mirror even though I know I'm not that same person anymore.  I still worry that one day I'll wake up and be in a size 22 again.  It's too easy to fall back into the bad habits that got us FAT in the first place so it makes sense that our heads have a hard time believing what our new bodies are telling us...

Well, today is another day and and a great friend of mine is going in for RNY today, so I need to get myself into coaching mode and help her achieve her goals!!!

By the way.... I'm the webmaster for my church too...  you can check out our site if you want...

www.aydenchristianchurch.org

I want to redo it sometime, but not sure when I'll get to it....

Have a wonderful Wednesday!

Alice

Thanks Alice! I will check that website out.  I need to see what other churches do so I have some direction.  :)  Thanks for your encouragement and friendship.  It means a great deal to me to have the support of my NCOH friends!  

I feel the same fat feeling.  It doesn't matter what size I am now I still see the same fat person in the mirror.  I can tell a difference in the pictures of course but just to look at myself I still see fat. I still worry that I will gain it back as I have failed at every other attempt to lose weight.

I will check out your church website as we are going to be doing one soon! 

Thanks for your words of encouragement..  It is hard.  The physical part is certainly the easy part.  I just do not see what others see I suppose.  It is nice to know that I am not the only one who is having these struggles. 

Between you, Alice and me we should have some rocking church websites.  We need to collaborate for sure!!!

((((Jennifer)))),

We are all our worst critics aren't we? I think we may look 'normal', but we have only been this 'normal' size for a relatively short time. I hope that at some point we will be able to 'see' ourselves as other do, but that may not be the case for a very long time, if ever. I know that when I see you, or LisaW, or Deb_M, etc... I see slender, healthy, beautiful women. However, when I look at myself, especially if I'm struggling, I see the 'fat girl' looking back at me too.

I really appreciate when you share these thoughts and feelings because then I don't feel so alone. Sometimes we are sooooo focused on the process of losing weight and the associated WOWs that happen in the first year, that I don't know that we give much time and attention to the headwork that really seems to start in earnest during the second year.

I am hoping that we will all learn to continue to make the positive changes in lifestyle and the way 'see' ourselves as we continue this amazing journey. I think that developing a positive view of ourselves will be important in our quest to maintain the enormous losses and gains we have achieved.

Wishing you all the best as you learn to be gentle with yourself. Remember to talk to yourself with the same gentleness and compassion as you speak to me when I am struggling. You will find yourself a warm, loving, compassionate, and thoughtful friend.

Your friend,