My relationship with the most important person in my life...

is horrible.  I am so very, very, sad...Did any of your relationships completely change after your bypass...I'm talking about my relationship with my mom.  We have always been best of friends, although it did get a little more distant when I moved to Texas in 2003.  I was so looking forward to going home to NY for the holidays and it was just miserable.  As a matter of fact, we returned home today (a week early).  Since July I have lost 91 lbs.  I feel great and I think I look great.  My mom has nothing nice to say to me...she just says things like "what the hell is wrong with your posture now", or "yep, much thinner, but you still got those black bags under your eyes", or "what the hell happend to your brain after surgery."  She didn't say anything positive, she told me I need to send my "friggen kids to camp for their behavior".  They are only 1 and 4.  While I have lost 91 lbs. she has gained about 40 more.  She probably weighs about 230 right now and is down right miserable.  I know what that feels like and I'm trying to be patient with her.  She is having some health problems because of her weight (needs knee replacements, over 300 cholesterol, HBP)  She went to her doctor last week and asked for diet pills (Meridia) and he said no, but did tell her that he would advocate for gastric bypass for her.  She would never choose to do that and frankly she's not open to changing her behaviors or eating habits.
I told her I was leaving early because of the weather because as close as we are, I don't feel like I can tell her how she makes me feel.
This is just heartbreaking for me...the one person I have counted on my whole life to celebrate my successes and cry with over my failures...seems like she's gone.  I talked to my stepfather and he says it's me who's different.  He says that mom and I have always been bad for eachother's diets and our lives consumed by food.  He said that I have now lost that connection with her.  Isn't that sad?
I was thinking about writing her a letter?  Do you think that's stupid?  That may be the only way I can really get it out.

Michelle,

My heart aches for your pain. I'm so very sorry for the loses you are suffering right now. First of all, I think that writing to her might be a good idea, but if you do, please consider writing it, then setting it aside and revisiting a couple of time before you send it. Secondly, I imagine that your stepfather probably has a point regarding some of the dynamics of your relationship preop and postop, but I doubt that it is 'all you.' I would imagine that your mother is keenly aware of her weight gain that has occured while you have slimmed down because of her recent appointment with her GP. I'm sure that she was consumed by little green frogs and for that I'm so very sorry. I think it might help if you can tell her the things about her and the relationship that you have enjoyed with her that you miss and look forward to reconnecting. It might also help to help tell her the things that you like and admire about the person that she is... She may not be able to see those things right now. Once you do that you may need or want to tell her what you need and want from her in the most positive ways to allow her to step up graciously and with her dignity intact ... I guess what I'm saying is that while you need to let her know what you need, it's probably also important to give her room to move, she may be so consumed with her own pain and anger at herself that she's mirroring it onto you ... not that it's okay, but she may not realize just how hurtful she has been. I think asking for the behavior and support you want as opposed to criticizing the behavior she has shown might help... but, I don't know, because I don't really know you, your mother, or the relationship you have had with her...

Wishing you all the best in this difficult situation,

I have no relationship with my Mother for very different reasons. But I do hope I can step up for my daughters in positve ways and try to never say hurtful things to them. Some of the things she may have said were meant with a little bit of worry that you may not be, in her eyes, in the best health. She just may not have found a good way to express her thoughts. She may have not been able to handle the natural exuberance of a 1 and 4 year old and so that horrible comment came out. I hope you can find a path back to the relationship you enjoyed before but without the food issues shared in the past. I like Barb's suggestion to write your letter but don't send it right away. Maybe put it on your computer and reread it a few days in a row and tweek it until you get the best message across in the friendliest and warmest and loving way possible. I hope this is helpful.

I agree with the letter writing suggestion. You may never even send it. Sometimes it just helps to put words to our feelings. I wish you much luck with repairing this relationship. In the mean time send her a little note and tell her you're thinking about her. The next time you talk to her - if you're up to it - ask her what she thinks about the changes that you've made and tell her how difficult it's been to step out of your comfort zone.

Good Luck - I tell everyone that it's a hard job raising a Moma these days.

- Iris

I think that yes, you should write a letter telling her how much you love her and how she makes you feel, but that you are trying to improve all areas of your life and she is making the relationship between the two of you miserable. you do not want to have that in your life right now, and send it, and let it go.   It will be her decision to change the relationship for the both of you or drop it untill she can accept the new you. From how you describe her acting like, she is not a very happy person and sounds a bit scared or intimidated by your weightloss. Soem people cover up their unhappyness by trying to make others miserable too. Maybe it hit's too close to home?  As much as it hurts, I think I'd set my foot down and tell her you can't allow her to treat you and your children as she is.....you love her and want her to love you all as you are.  Good luck.

Nancy