I've really been struggling lately

I have struggled with whether to share this or not. I don't want people to think badly of me. I absolutely am not interested in being berated or flamed. I do a good enough job of beating myself up. I decided to share this because I think that we have demons that we are fighting at one point or another and I hope that in sharing my own failure and fear that it will help someone else know that they are not alone and that together, we can conquer and learn to manage our weight and the triggers that threaten our weight loss and/or maintenance.

Many of you have known me for a while already know this. Those who are new may not. I struggle with and often succumb to severe, dibilitating Major Clinical Depression. You may notice that at times, I don't post as much. When I'm struggling, I tend to answer posts more and my answers may be very short ... sometimes people mistake this for my being upset with them, but it's that I'm struggling to think and function.

At any rate, as for most folks these days, life is stressful and when you add stress to depression, it makes a nasty combination.

I scared myself yesterday. I was in meltdown mode, crying off and on all day. I had made some cinnamon toast and hot tea for my daughter. I had a small piece. No problem. It's okay. But later, I when meltdown occurred, I had two, count them, two slices of challah cinnamon toast. It was like I was standing outside of myself having an out of body experience as I watched in terror at the old me and my old 'coping' mechanisms in full swing... It was terrifying and I couldn't, wouldn't stop. I just melted further into a deeper puddle of tears with the desperation, anger and guilt that surrounded my unteathered actions. I was amazed at how 'easily' I was able to gobble down the toast and how much I was able to consume. Of course, I didn't come close to dumping.

I was able to get myself stitched back together and I made better choices during most of the rest of the day, but the shear force of the urge to 'comfort' myself with food and then following through as I did, terrifies me and with good reason, I think. I don't want to end up where I was and I know that it's a slippery slope that I fell on. I've picked myself up and am in the process of trying to clean myself up and get back on firmer ground.

 

Our psyches suck.  I wish I had had brain surgery rather than stomach surgery.

Yesterday, I had 8 large sugar cookies with icing.  Day before? 6.  And I just couldn't seem to stop myself.  Why I bought them in the first place, I don't know.

But today is a new day.  And while the gym wore me out terribly yesterday and I won't be going today, that doesn't mean all is lost.  I think I'm going to treat myself to some scallops for lunch and remember that this too will, eventually but not soon enough, pass.

Stress sucks.  I get that.  Life really blows for alot of people these days.  And those of us with depressive states have more issues than most.  I miss my coping mechanism and wish I had my old life back again.  But I have to make do with what I have to work with and go from there.

You'll get back on track.  I have faith in that.

Thanks Andrea ... I'm glad you have faith in me. I'm working on that.

Enjoy your new day dear.

Barb

(((((Barb)))))

I was thinking of you last night and how helpful and encouraging you are on these boards.  For the time that I have been here I have seen you mention occasionally that you suffer from clinical depression.  I do too, as I think many of us do leading us to be in the situation that brought us here in the first place.

I was thinking of you and how beautiful you are, inside and outside.  How far you have come, and how honest you are with us .... and I wondered to myself if I could be all those things.  I am FULL of self doubt and fear that I will become a stronger contributing member of these boards and then fail miserably as I have failed in nearly everything I have attempted to do in my whole life. 

Please know that I am here watching you and proud of you and cheering you on and understanding your fear and commisserating with you on your stumbles and willing to help you pick yourself up and dust off.

Catt

Catt,

Thank you so very much for your reply. I literally had tears flowing down my face as I read it and had to stop twice until the tears cleared enough that I could see the screen again. Your compliments are very sweet and touching. I think that what scared me yesterday and still does today, is that while I have come a long way in some respects, I realized yesterday how very close I still am to that destructive behavior that compromized my life and my health. It was literally terrifying.

Please know that you are already a valued and contributing member to the fabric of this forum.

Thank you again for the support and concern you showed me.

Warmly,

Barb

Hey Barb-

Thank you for sharing this with us- It breaks my heart to hear you so down on yourself- mostly because you lift us up daily!  You are the "Mommy" of the NC board- and we can always count on your wisdom, insight, and support. But PLEASE remember that you can count on us too!! You are human and we as an OH family are fortunate enough to have you be so giving of yourself and always transparent with your personal experiences.

And it seems to me that you DIDN'T go back to your old coping mechanisms. You had 2 pieces of toast. What would that have been 2 years ago Barb? I guarantee you- more than 2 pieces of toast!!!  You had your toast- you stopped at two. Seems to me like you were more in control that you thought.

You are in control and we all have our bleak moments- You are stronger than 2 pieces of toast dear Barb, and I can't think of a single person here that would EVER berate you for sharing with us.

We love ya!!! ((((((((((((((((((((((((((BARB)))))))))))))))))))

Hi Kim,

Thanks for your supportive reply. I have to tell you that what really scared me was the knowledge that the only reason I only had two pieces of toast is that was all that was left. If there had been more, I no doubt would have inhaled that as well. I think it is the sure knowledge that I was, at that moment, totally out of control! I knew it and it didn't matter. I did it anyway. For me, that was terrifying.

I am still struggling, but I'm in better control now than I was yesterday.

Thanks again,

Barb

***SILVER LINING*****

Maybe that was just enough of a scare to put things back in balance for a while

We love you Barb- and We are here for you!

You bring up a very good point - surgery does not 'cure' obesity... obesity is like other addictions - we will have to deal with them (in one form or another) for LIFE. Nobody is perfect, we all have bad days and make poor choices... beating yourself up over them does no good, just keeps the cycle going. You realize that you were 'abusing' food so you learned from your experience which is the best thing you can do. Once you can identify a behavior you can work on changing it... I know you had mentioned reading The Beck Diet Solution, I know thru DrV's office there is a support group that is ran by two psychologists that deal with eating disorders and have a lot of experience w/post-WLS patients - they came and spoke and the Presby Support goup and were EXCELLENT... I got SO much out of that meeting - it would be worth checking into.
Either way, this surgery is a learning process.. even at 2.5 years out I am still learning and know that I will still always be. "Normal" people have bad days so its not really a big deal... it becomes more of an issue if those bad days keep happening more often than not and poor choices replace all the good choices. I use to use food quite a bit pre-op and I still do sometimes post-op... I find however that it does 'fix' things the way it use to... I find it helpful to write down how I felt before, during and after the experience so I can reference it in the future... it helps remind me that reaching for the food isnt going to make me feel better. Ive also made a list of other non-food things I can do to help with feelings and refer to that when I am feeling on the edge. Again I thank you for posting this because its a struggle for many, I think you are doing an excellent job with dealing with it so far so keep plugging forward.

Hi Jennifer,

It's great to hear from you. I always appreciate and respect your thoughtful input. You are so right that I realized that I was abusing food; it's that I was recognizing it at the and still couldn't or wouldn't put the brakes on.

I am sure that naturally 'normal' sized people do exactly the same thing that I did sometimes, but they have never let it get out of hand. I have have and have a fear of that mismanagement. I don't know if that fear is healthy or unhealthy.

I like some of your suggestions and have even used some of them. I think that the fact that I almost felt like a 'deer in the headlights' when this was happening and wasn't able or willing to extract myself is what really frightens me. That said, I'll work on employing some of the techniques you suggest to see if they will help.

It's great that you had such a wonderful experience with your support group.

Thanks again,

Barb