Long time no talk...

I know, I haven't been on or posted much in a long time. 

I've been batteling a lot. I fell into a very hard core depression. Essentially, I knew I would have "issues" to deal with after surgery. What I did not expect .. is what happened. Essentially a volcano eruption of 20+ years of just pure ****

It's been difficult to say the least. I had my 1 year anniversay Aug 30th.  I've lost 160+ lbs. But I'm no where near the end of the battle. I'm still 301 and need to get down to 200.

But the horrible part? I don't dump anymore and old habbits that die hard? Are resurfacing.

I've been seeing someone to deal with the issues and both recognize that food was a way to stuff the emotions.

In the last week alone, I'm back to hiding food, sneaking.

Pure shame..  pure humilation.   FAILURE..   the only words resonating in my head. The worst part is I know I'm doing it.. and it's like I can't stop it.  If I can't do it, I get angry.

I'd rather die than every gain any of that weight back. I'm still going through so many changes and too much all at once.

This is part of the reason I also stopped posting so much or coming to the get togethers. I am ashamed and embarassed. Everyone has such success stories.

That and it seems like some people just were looking for ways to have things they shouldn't have on here - cakes and such and how to make them "gastric bypass friendly" and knowing the state I was/ am in, I had to get away from that and not see it.

I don't know why I'm even posting this now. I'm not looking for sympathy or pity handouts.

I guess I just wish I wasn't a failure at everything I seem to do.  I have the perfect tool in my hands and I'm ruining it....

First off, big hugs to you. It sounds like you are really struggling, but in my eyes you are not failing. 160 lbs is nothing to sneeze at. I applaud you for accomplishing that. Secondly, I am glad that you finally posted about your issue. Self accountability is the first step. Kudo's for taking it. Also, It's good that you are seeing someone about your issues. I don't know if I could have done that, or honestly admitting your feelings of failure like you did........not easy. Not offering any type of sympathy but to let you know that I struggle too.......I've been this weight for awhile now, say 4 months?  Why?  Because my will power has went downhill and it's sooooooo hard to get back on track. I will keep you in my prayers that you will find the peace of mind to put your past issues behind you and find the courage to work the program again. Untill then, please don't leave or even take a vacation from this board......even if you don't go to meetings which I really really suggest you do, stay here for the support and friendship. Noone here is perfect, if we were, we would'nt be here. 

Big hugs again,
Nancy

((((((Jennifer)))))),

I'm so sorry that you've been struggling so much. I can hear the pain and frustration. You have come an incredible distance and know that you still have a long, hard road ahead. I think the fact that you are acknowledging and working to address the issues that pose a clear and present danger to your success and ultimately your health is great. None of us knows 'exactly' what the others go through. To be honest, I probably cannot effectively relate to the scope of the journey that you face, but there are others here such as JamieLynn and Annie who can. As a matter of a fact, Annie started near 700 lbs and is still marching down the hill. While I can't relate to the shear scope of your WL journey, I can relate to the devasting effects of "hard core depression" as I have and still do struggle with it. I know how dangerous it is as a whole and particularly to those of us struggling with weighty issues and the self-esteem surrounding those issues. I don't know if you can, but if you can, PLEASE come and talk ... come to the meetings, come online, PM me. I want you to know that I do not judge you and honestly, I don't think that the rest of the NC forum will either. We want to be here to support you. As I'm sure you already know, those of us who participate in support groups are statistically much more likely to attain and maintain the weight loss goals we have.

Remember that your journey will take longer than mine because to be honest, you have farther to travel, but that doesn't mean you are a failure because you haven't reached your goal in the same timeframe that I met mine.

I too am struggling with managing very scary bad habits.

We are meeting this Saturday at Golden Corral on Millbrook at Capital ... PLease come. I'd love to see you again. You may have fallen, but you can get back up and with help you can make your way. Let us help you. Remember that we all help one-another. But please do this for YOU because you are important and deserve to take the time to take care of you. I believe you want to take care of you because you would not have reached out if you didn't.

If there is anything at all that I can do, please do not hesitate to let me know ... Feel free to PM me.

Hugs... given without sympathy or pity,

Barb

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((YOU))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Losing 160+ pounds is NOT  a loser. We all have our battles. You recognized this and are taking the right steps to stop how your feeling about food. Keep up the great work, sure do miss you.............

Jennifer....don't say you haven't done an awesome job..you are 160 lbs thinner than you were just over a year ago.   That is not failure.  You have now identified a problem and are doing what you can to attack it...you should be proud of that.    I have just gone through a very stressful situation and while i wanted to grab for food....i fought it.  Bought a bag of chips and then threw it out after i ate a few while me and my brain had an argument.  My sis asked why i pitched them as there were others around and i told her that is what I needed to do.   Try having a dialogue with yourself when you reach for the wrong foods.  It doesn't work all the time but i have avoided quite a bit with it.

Take care and please keep in touch....we are all here to support each other and help each other through these struggles.  Please know we all have them..it is just a matter how we get through them.

Love you,

Pam

Jennifer,
Everyone has said it far better than I can.  Just want you to know I have missed you and that I love you.  I am so glad to hear from you.  I know a woman at work who is over 3 years post-op and she is still losing at a significant rate.  This is a process, not an event, and you are doing great!

A failure?  I think you're being too hard on yourself.  You've lost 160 pounds!  Under no terms is that a failure.  Yes, you want to lose more.  OK.  So now you're doing what you need to do to enable yourself.  None of us would call that a failure. 

I'm sorry that you're struggling and I know those old habits are frightening.  But give yourself some credit, because you deserve it.  You have taken a huge step in admitting these habits and realizing what you're doing.  Yes, you still have a lot to deal with.  Now that you realize you're sneaking food, you have to figure out why & how to stop it.  But you're working on that.  You're getting help.  These are habits because they're things you learned to do over time, so it's going to take time for you to conciously change - it's not going to happen overnight.  But again...take some pride in the fact that you're getting help.  Right now it may feel hopeless, but in another week or month, you may notice some small improvements.  Keep talking to the professionals, and keep reaching out to support groups.  We're here because we've been in similar situations.  I'm not saying I know exactly how you feel, but someone here does, and the true fact is that we ALL care about how you.

You have made remarkable strides.  Remember when you're dealing with emotional issues, sometimes it takes a a fall before you can rise up.  Hopefully this is your fall and you'll soon find yourself back up at the top of the hill to enjoy the view.  :)