keeping it a secret?

Hi, I'm new at this, so bear with me. Ever since I began the process toward my surgery (eventual RNY) I have felt the need to keep it a secret from my friends, my work collegues, and even my relatives. I was really not comfortable with anyone knowing about it except for my immediate family. I'm not sure why. I'm usualy not a private person at all, far from it! But for some reason I really don't want others to know about my surgery. My husband blabbed it to his 8 brothers and sisters in casual conversation, so when we recently visited them I felt so self-conscious about it. Does anyone else feel like this? Is this a confidence/self-esteem issue? Or am I just being shy? I wonder if my attempts to keep others out of my experience might indirectly sabotage my efforts. If they don't know about it and I don't want to "let them in," they can't support me either.
Meredith

hey meredith
welcome to the forum.
its amazing its almost as if i was typing your post. only some of my immediate family know. ive kept it from alot of people around me. im having my gall bladder out as well with my lap band surgery next week. im just telling people im having gall bladder surgery. theres such a stigma with WLS. people who are not in our shoes cannot understand what we are going thru. i have read so many websites where people are saying we are taking the easy way our or just lazy. so to avoid people having diarrhea of the mouth i just keep quiet. i think once i begin losing and people ask i will then tell. maybe im wrong but it is working for me.
where are you in your process?
take care

I have only had my initial exams, nutritionist consult, upper GI exam, lab work, psych eval. The person who did my psych eval was a diet nazi. I thought she was supposed to evaluate my emotional readiness and determine if I comprehended the seriousness of the surgery. I did very little talking during the session. Mostly she lectured to me and even shook her finger at me. I thought, WOW! I never gave her cause to think I wouldn't be compliant. She gave me a LONG list of things I have to PROVE to her with written documentation. I have to see her again in about a month and bring all my documentation with me.

Everyone handles this so differently and it really is a personal decision.   I know my son and surrogate daughter were against it as they were afraid i would die.  They are extremely happy now that i made the right decision when they see i am off bp meds and have so much energy.    I told everyone at work and rec'd so much support from everyone it has been wonderful.   For me, it was a very positive experience but again that is a personal one you have to make for u.

Take care, Pam

Hi Meredith,

Welcome to the NC Board! I just had surgery on 7/25 and I am going back to work for the first time tomorrow. Before surgery, I told my parents and a few close friends. I decided not to tell anyone at work. Now that I've had surgery, I think I will tell people if they ask. I'm sure that they will notice my new eating habits and wonder what's up.

I really think I wanted to keep it "secret" because I was afraid that I would fail. I wasn't aware of this at the time; I just didn't want people to talk about me. Upon reflection, I think that I didn't want to look foolish for taking the drastic step of having surgery and then not losing any weight. Now that I've lost 13 lbs, I'm feeling good about myself and hopeful for the future.

Try not to worry too much about who to tell and who not to tell. Just go with your instincts. And, like me, you can always change your mind later.

Shelli

You're right. I'm probably thinking about this too much. And I also think you're right about the fear of failure thing. Most of my collegues are very nice and very supportive, but some are very judgemental and my self-esteem can't take that too well yet. I'm an elementary music teacher, so most of the teachers around me are the nurturing type, which should make it much easier for me. My school nurse did a weight loss club one year and everyone who wanted to join put in a dollar. At the end of the month the one who'd lost the most won the pot. I didn't join because the scale in the nurse's office didn't go up high enough for me. It was just too embarassing to face that! Do keep me posted on how you interact with your collegues as you lose your weight. I'm curious to know how they react and what they say.

Fear of failure was EXACTLY my top reason for not telling many people.  It just seems that I've let so many people down over the years with my failed attempts to lose weight that I couldn't bear to set myself (and them) up yet again.  So I kept it to myself and to my health-care providers.  I didn't even tell my younger daughter (who's my rock and joy in life).  I was just so sure I'd fail as I'd done at everything else.

Another reason is that I hate people fretting over me.  Which, once again, leads back to the fear of failure and the idea that people fret over me when they believe I'm not capable of doing something I set out to do.

Now that I'm six months into my LapBand, I have no problem telling folks.  I'm owning this!

I'm still looking into surgery and I feel the same way, to some extent.  But we need to remember, it's really not ANYBODY else's g.d. business.  Excuse my French.  People just LOVE this kind of juicy gossip and they can end up pumping you for all the details of your interesting surgery, watching your every move.  Plus, as somebody else said, there is still a "stigma" attached to WLS.  Like:  it's "dangerous,"  or "last resort to lose weight" or "maiming your body."  (But being 100 pounds overweight is what... ok??)

It's something almost everybody has an opinion about, and you're sure to hear their opinions if you bring up the topic.  So, I'd choose wisely who I told.  In fact, the people I'm afraid I WON'T tell are my sisters and brothers, mostly.  They are quick to say everything that pops into their head and not too supportive.  So I've told a few friends, and my children.  My children, like a lot of "normal sized" people, are ignorant about WLS, so they were unhappy to hear what I'm planning.  But I wasn't looking for their approval, only informing them of what I was doing.

Tell your husband too:  IT's NOBODY ELSE's BUSINESS!  Zip it!

Nancy

Because of the qualifying process, I told one co-worker (the one who is right by me and swore her to secrecy).  I didn't even tell my boss--all she knew is that I was having surgery.

I did tell my immediate family and my parents, sisters and brother.  My husband told his mother and I am hoping she didn't tell anyone else.  I suspect my sister in law had lap band or RNY but she never told anyone.  She is a real secretive (to the point of bizarre) person but I noticed the way she eats it is the way you will be eating once you get RNY.

You have to decide who you will "let in".  Work colleagues are an issue only with food and you have to be strong.  Once you get RNY, you will not be able to eat like you once did. 

If anyone ever says it is the "easy way out", your response should be "if that is true, you should go thru it."

Good luck in your journey.

Sylvia

OK, I know this goes against what everyone else who's responded has said, but you asked and I feel compelled to answer with my viewpoint.  :)

I do feel this is an individual decision, and you have to make the one that is right for you.  But, I told the world and I'm so glad I did.  Once you start dropping the weight, you'll realize it's just too dramatic and too fast for a normal diet.  People are going to know, whether they say something about it to your face or behind your back.

When I first decided to have surgery, I felt like it was a mark of my own weight loss failure, which is why I wanted to keep it a secret from all but those closest to me.  But a friend of mine helped turn that mindset around.  He told me I should be proud that I was taking charge of my life and my health.  He was right.

Also, I worked with a lady that obviously had WLS.  She had "abdominal surgery" and was out for 3 weeks.  When she came back she'd lost a LOT of weight.  And as she continued to drop weight, she told people that she was just "cutting back."  But it was pretty obvious.  The sad thing is, if she had told people, she would have found a lot of support.  Instead, it just caused a lot of rumors to fly, mis-understandings, etc.

So...when I finally came to terms with my own decision to have WLS, I decided I didn't want people talking behind my back.  I invited all my friends over for a lunch and told them all at the same time.  This encouraged all of them to ask questions and have an open conversation about it.  I told them if they heard anyone talking about me losing weight, they could feel free to tell the real story and help me educate people.  It was the best decision I've made.  Since then, when anyone asks me how I lost the weight, I tell them.  Yes, some just say, Oh.  As if this was the easy way, but I don't care, and I know better.  Those that matter know better.  I'm at my goal, I feel like a million bucks, and I truly am proud that I took control of my health.

All that said, again I know this is a personal decision, I just wanted to share the "tell people" point of view.  :)  Either way, best of luck to you...and you know that we all know, so we're here to bounce your day to day ups and downs with!  :)