Just curious....

I was up late last night wondering how can I raise my daughter to have high self esteem and confidence in herself...when her mother does not.  My daughter is only 18 months old and I am
already worried about what she eats. I hate it when my husband  gives her sweets or fried foods.  I dont want her to end up like me. He just doesnt understand how it is to be overweight.  I do not want my daughter to go through what I went through growing up, the teasing, the hurt feelings, always sad and upset.  I hate that I worry about it since she is so young. But thats is mostly why I am going through this WLS is for her I want to be around for her and to be healthy and set a good example.  I guess what I need to do is to fix my inside while I am working  on the outside. All and any advice of how and if you went through this would be great.  Just feeling a little low right now.  Thanks for listening.

What a wonderful, caring mom!  Big, big love for you and your daughter.

I work in education accountability, and we just did a study last year on measurable resiliency factors in children.  The No. 1 factor in raising children who overcame obstacles was that they had a parent or other adult in their lives *****ally listened when their children expressed their frustrations and shared their goals and dreams.

Another factor was having parents/other adults who had high expectations for their children: who expect them to go to college, be active in whatever interests them, follow their dreams, etc.  NOT NAGGING!!! but setting high and achievable standards for the children themselves.

Supporting their children's interests was also important.  If a child likes to collect rocks, for instance, take interest in their rock collecting and sit with them as they sort their collections, find a shelf to display them, etc.  Even at just 18 months old, a child can express interests in things like this and parents can support those interests.  This can also serve as a reward for things that she does well.  Nonfood rewards are sooooooooooooo vital, as you've already pointed out.

Friends are crucial, too.  Even babies and toddlers have friends.  Take your daughter to the playground and let her play with other children.  Set up playdates.  Sign her up for swim parties or parks & rec programs, etc.

You are so amazing for thinking about these issues for her even while she's just a wee one!

Thanks Kim......I do seem to do more outside of the house since she has been old enough to start taking interests in things...ie museum, playground, or even going to the beach.  Things that I would have not done by myself bc of my low confidence or low self esteem, I seem to shy away from large groups of people.  I have told myself that my daughter does not have to suffer for the way I feel.  And she loves to paint, sing and play in sand so I try to incorperate those activities everyday.  I have a friend that has 2 yr old twins so they are always together.  Thanks again for you advice I really do appreciate it.

Amanda

Hey, Amanda! 

Look at that -- already you're doing EVERYTHING that's on the list of the factors we discovered in our resiliency study!!!  We should have just asked you to begin with.  *grin*

Isn't it amazing how even the littlest kids can have such talent and interest in expressing themselves through art or singing or sand or building things?  I find it fascinating.

My granddaughter Leyla lives with me, she's 5.  Right now she's going through a really rough time, as her mom has been suicidal.  We have a ritual we go through every evening: a friend of mine who makes jewelry sat with Leyla and made a little pixie-dust bottle and filled it with sparkly sand.  Each evening we sit with the pixie-dust bottle and tell each other our wishes for the next day.  It's a good time for her to tell me what she's worried about and for me to let her know what to expect the next day (she's very worried and anxious about who's picking her up from school, what time, what her mom will eat, where her mom is sleeping that night, etc.).

Cute story: the other day, Leyla wanted to talk with me "pwivately."  So we went out into the hallway, where my younger daughter wouldn't be able to hear us.  Then Leyla whispered, "Nana, how do you do know the pixie dust weawwy works?"  It was so cute!  I told her that we don't ever really know, but that it's beautiful and that's magic in its own way.

That is a sweet story.  And I love that yall do that everynight.  That probably means alot to her more than you know.  I will pray for your family and hope your daughter gets better.   Congrats on your weight loss as well.  Im still waiting on approval and a date.  Ugh the waiting.  But I dont want ru****it will happen when it happens. 

Hey Amanda:

I was an obese mom when my son was born almost 19 years ago.  I swore i would do everything in my power to make sure he didn't have wt issues.  He loved fruits and those became his treats.  When he was 4 he asked his 3 buddies if they wanted a snack and when they also said yes, he went in the house and got a bag of baby carrots to share.  They all scrunched up their noses but then told david what a good idea it was and they polished off a lb bag.   Their parents all wanted to know how i got them to eat carrots and i said i didn't, David did.    Kids follow what others do.   We also went to the park everyday in the summer so he had interaction with other kids and toddler activity classes in the fall and winter.   I sought consult with a education specialist and psychologist when he was young as he taught himself to read at 18 months and they didn't feel he was a candidate for preschool as he would get bored but he needed exercise and interaction with other children.     I also discussed diet with his pediatrician who gave me recommendations and also said he could set an appt with a pediatric nutritionist.  

Good luck!

Pam

Thanks Pam...my daughter loves fruit...we do not keep sweet stuff in the house so she loves fruit which is a good start...thanks for the info.

((((HUGS)))) Amanda!!!

We will get together someday, I PROMISE!!!! I am going to have company for the next 2 weeks and after that we WILL get the girls together!! I really want to meet you and give you some encouraging words. Hang in there girl!! And you have my number if you ever want to talk!! I will be getting long distance here soon and i can call you too :)

You are an AWESOME mommy and don't you ever forget that!!

JAMI

Thanks Jami...I know we definetly have to get together...my mom and my niece come next Tuesday until the next Wednesday....I am so excited to see them.  Let me know when your free I cant wait to meet you to and get those words of ecouragemnt. I need them. 

Amanda

Amanda,

Both Kim and Pam have given you wonderful advice and from your responses I can see that you are already creating the nuturing environment that will help your dear daughter grow into the healthy child you dream of.

One of my greatest distresses and pleasures has been how I have affected my children's habits regarding food and their health. Before my surgery, all of my children were somewhere between chubby and 'mildly' obese. My sons are grown men and don't live with me anymore, so I don't have much, if any direct influence on their eating habits anymore. However, I have to tell you that one of the best things that has happened as a result of my WLS is the absolute metamorphosis that my daughter has experienced since my surgery. I eat so much more mindfully and responsibly than I used to and I'm much more physically active. This has all 'trickled' down to Sarah and she has benefited immeasurably. She has grown about 4 inches and lost more than 20 lbs. That actually factors into a net weight loss of about 40 lbs for her when you factor in the additional height. She's slimmed down from a size 13/14 to the same size I wear ... a 4/6. I think that like the rest of us, she will always have a propensity to gain weight easier than others because she's my daughter and has the same darn gene pool, but she now has the behavioral tools and changes in lifestyle that will enable her to truly 'manage' her weight and health in the long term. I have to tell you that this is probably just about as important to me as my being able to put my diabetes into remission because it will positively impact her life forever. I only wish that I coulda, woulda, done it when my boys were a little as your dear daughter, because they live with the dietary and behavior legacy I raised them with ... and I'm afraid that their long-term health probably will suffer because of that.

As you make the life changes that you are making, you will be modeling behavior for your daughter that will lead her to live in a healthy, responsible manner. As she mimics your behavior, you probably won't have to 'nag' her about what to eat, she'll see first hand that eating a diet higher in protien and complex carbs, with a modest amount of fats and simple carbs will leave her feeling well and satisfied.

I also think that as you make this journey, your own self-confidence will soar and as it does you will be modeling that new, self-confident you ... She will want to grow up to be just like her lovely mommy.

As Kim said, you are already a wonderful mother. Keep up the great work.

Barb

P.S. Re: you husband ... help him to see that moderation is the key. That will probably become much easier for both of you as you go through this life-changing process you are embarking on.