Learning to love ourselves

Sometimes, I think that we think that the 'journey' is just about the weight loss, but I think it is also about learning to accept and love ourselves.

Today several of us went shopping and with that came the you look great ... 'thanks, but I hate my "fill in the blank." We started talking about how we don't like this or that and how uncomfortable it makes us and I noticed that it was so true that each of had our own 'hang ups' about this or that. We truly feel uncomfortable about our arms, or stomachs, or legs, or ... and the list can go on and on. However, when we have others there with us, they are seeing something different when they look at us.

When I was trying on a dress to wear to my son's wedding, I was at a boutique that I had frequented long before I had surgery, so the shop owner knew me before and is still adjusting to the new me. When I put the dress on, I saw little bulges here and there. I thought I needed the dress in a size larger. I thought I couldn't possibly wear the dress without the jacket. The store owner was astounded when I came out of the dressing room and said I looked absolutely stunning and so incredibly small and slender. Now I know she own's the store and wants to sell the dress, but she is a friend and actually will tell me when something doesn't look right. Not only did she think it was fabulous, but I was surrounded by friends who thought it was fabulous After talking to me about it a while, I realized I was fixating on what I see as 'problems'.

Several of us talked about it later and one of the things that came up, was that when we are losing all of this weight we hope we'll be the lucky one that doesn't look like a sharpei when we're done. We know that other's may look worse, but that doesn't matter. What matters is that we did this 'damage' to ourselves and we to a certain extent grieve the fact that we have hurt ourselves and can't get back that 'lost' beauty. I know it sounds vain and maybe it is, but I know that if I hadn't done this to myself I would have been a beautiful young woman. I think I'm reasonably attractive now ... with the 'right' clothes on ... but it hurts to know that if I hadn't gained all of that weight, I would have been a beautiful young woman. That's lost, I can be an attractive middle-aged woman now. So now that I've recognized that I'm grieving what could have been, I need to learn to celebrate what is and what I have done FOR myself and let go of what I did TO myself. I can tell that for me this is part of my journey and it's a process that I need to get through. I hope that recognizing it will help me to come through it learning to love who I am without being upset about or making apologies for who and what I am now.

Barbara C. wrote:

So now that I've recognized that I'm grieving what could have been, I need to learn to celebrate what is and what I have done FOR myself and let go of what I did TO myself.

Best quote EVER!!

Kelly :)

Thanks! :-)

B

I not only grieve what I could have been. I grieve the damage I inflicted to my body by eating to much. But the damage is done and I am trying to correct it. I like who I am and all I have done contibuted to that. It could be that God layed out this path so I would become who I am.  Who would I have been if I had been 125lbs  in my teen years and through out life.  I might not like that person.  Lets see who I will become!  So far I like me even with the big round hernia and loose skin.  I can walk...fit in a booth...tie my shoes...buy clothes at most stores...not move car seat back....drive dh truck..ride a bike....and soon get on my horse.  Thats a lot to like and it has only begun. Myrtis

Hi Myrtis,

I think we are on the same page dear! While I do grieve for what I did to myself and what 'might have been.' I'm glad I'm who I am ... for the most part ;-) and I think I'm begining to accept that it's okay.

Congratulations on all of your successes and wishing you more,

Barb

Barbara, I understand what you are saying, but we have to let go of the past and things that cannot be changed.  I don't really think any of us purposely did this to ourselves.  We have to rejoice who we were, in who we are now and who we will strive to be in the future because that's what makes us -US.  Since I began this journey back in May, I have met some of the most beautiful people I have ever known.  Whether pre-op or at goal, or somewhere in between I have felt nothing but acceptance and caring from the people I've met in person or online.  There is a reason we've gone through our lives just as we have...each of us has been given the gift of compassion and understanding in order to help others through their journey.   (Besides, we'd probably all be snooty self-absored biotches if we hadn't) 

Hi Donna,

I absolutely agree that we need to work on letting go of the past and appreciate the present and the future. Like you, I have found this journey to be life changing in many ways ... many have nothing to do with actual weight loss, but as you say with the many caring, giving friends I have made while on this journey.

My point with this post is that while it may seem that the 'journey' comes to an end when you lose the weight, it doesn't. There are still 'issues' that need to be addressed and resolved. Of course those issues are going to vary from person to person, but they are still a part of the journey we are all experiencing. It was in talking to others who had reached 'goal' that I realized that I'm not alone in how I feel and that I can make it through this part of the journey as well. I think to a certain extent when you are still on the 'other side' of the journey ... getting ready to or in the process of losing weight ... it may seem like a little thing to deal with feelings of frustration, sadness and even anger that I don't look the way I hoped I'd look, want to look, etc... Many people, those who have had WLS and those who have not, seem to dismiss this part of the journey I'm on ... I think it seems silly or shallow, but it is real for me and now I find it is an issue for others as well and I thought it was worth addressing.

I'm looking forward to watching you as you make your own way to new, healthier you.

Warmly,

Barb

Barb, i din't mean to sound like your feelings aren't valid.  Sorry if it came off that way and you are correct, I am looking at this though the eyes of a preop person.   You are not being silly or shallow, your feelings are your own.  I guess because I've worked so hard to accept myself on this side of wis I haven't taken the time to address the possiblilites of the issues you and others see now.  

Donna,

Don't worry. You didn't hurt my feelings and to be quite honest, I was very much like you before surgery. Far from being a shrinking violet, I had really 'come to terms' with myself. I was comfortable with who I was and how I looked. I think that is part of what has kind of thrown me for a curve. Unlike some people, I was comfortable my shorts and probably not uncomfortable I'm used to being comfortable in my own skin and right now I'm not. I'm sure that I will be again, but I have to redefine what that looks like for me.

Thanks for your concern and support.

Barb

I actually think I'm smokin' hot!  But that's just me.  Just kidding ladies.