Sadness and shame

Hi everyone, I'm Vickie - I went to Barbara's support group at Perkins last month - I'm the one who boo-hooed. :) I had my first appointment at Duke and it went well.  I'm working on getting other paperwork in right now.  I'm on the path. I'm feeling such sadness right now and just wondered if any of you felt this way at this point of your journey.  I'm accepting that I need the surgery and I'm letting go of the hope that I could do this without surgery.  I think I'm feeling some shame too, that I have let myself get to this point.  That I can't do this on my own, even for my daughters, my husband.   I think 3 things have brought me to this realization that it's time for the surgery.  The first is that we're moving on the 23rd, and I can hardly pack my stuff.  I'm usually so exited about being in a new home, and I really am excited, but my body will not let me do the things I want to do.  I feel so defeated.  I can't even keep my house picked up and not looking like a disaster, let alone pack everything up. I'll get it done, and my husband will take time off soon to help, but it's just that I"m so different now.  My husband and I were talking about how the last couple of years I've really gone down hill - it's like my body said "no more" and is breaking down.  He, for the first time, is 100% behind me on this, which is the second realization-he sees I need this and sees the risk as necessary.  Thirdly, my psychiatrist wrote a letter in full support, as well as an eating disorders counselor that I saw for 2 years in Arizona.  They both have patients that have been helped by this, and they both state that it is beyond my control now.  It's hard reading in black and white that I'm out of control.  I feel so powerless. It's very hard to be at this point.  I'm letting go of the hope I could do it, and right now the surgery is just a scary unknown to me, so I feel I have nothing solid to hold onto.  I feel a little lost. Sorry so long-I just needed to vent.  Thanks for listening.   Vickie  p.s. I'l be there saturday.

Vickie, Hi!  Welcome and I'm glad you came in to say hello!  I hope you enjoy our family as much as I do.  We have a lot of knowledge, loads of support and lots of love!  I'm glad you have the support of your Hubby and family!!! Now for the hard stuff...  You need to stop beating yourself up for the past!  It's time to focus on the future and realize you've got a whole new life that is starting NOW!  We all have thought about our failures and how we could have done things differently if we could turn back time.  I think we all think about this when we start our process, it's natural to feel this way!  All surgery is scary and this is a life changing event, we're here for you...  vent away, let us have it!   Keep us posted on your progress!  We'll start polishing a spot for you on the loosers bench!  Be happy!!!  

All of those feelings are normal and I think it's important to acknowledge them.  I was scared, we all were.  I was excited at the prospect of a new life.  I was also ashamed for the same reasons you mention.  How did I let myself get this out of hand?  Why can't I just lose it on my own, for myself or my two boys?  Seriously, I think it's just something that some of us have to feel so we can let it go and move forward. Shame is a useless emotion/endeavor, in my opinion, but we do feel it sometimes.  Better to embrace it for the last time, and then let it go as you move forward.  You are very blessed to have a supportive spouse and children to cheer you on.  A year from now, you will be amazed at your progress and the shame and fear will be gone. Take care. Ellen

Hi Vickie,      Boy, can I relate? Your feelings are perfectly normal. But when you see where you are a year from now, it is going to be SOOOOO worth it.      Don't feel like a failure for not doing it all on your own, or that it appears that you don't love your family enough or you would have done it. I'm sure that they are alot of the reason you are going ahead with WLS now.      Cheer up friend. There's a whole new world waiting for you...and your family! We're here for ya. xoxo Mare   

Vickie, Do not feel hopless in fact if I were you I would be very proud of yourself for making the choice to help yourself with wls. It is a huge step and it is very scarry the unknown is always hard. BTW the last meetup you and the others were lucky because normally I get very emotinal about sharing about my personal journey. The way I feel now is almost undescribable. I do feel great and boy can I move. Keep in mind I am working my butt off to make my choice work. I look forward to seeing you Saturday. I am very black and blue from my lazer treatments from yesterday but I know it will be worth it in the end. Please let me know who you are on Saturday. I am pround of you for making the choice.                                          Annie

Hi! Don't feel that way at all. I think we've all been there - the powerless, out of control feeling, like food is just there all the time. This surgery is like a dream really, hard work, but the chance finally to get a grip on our issues with food, eat normally and be able to finally have a chance to have hope!

Will you be there on Saturday at Perkins? We'll all be there for you!

Hey Gorgeous!!!

I hope you will be able to come on Saturday. I love the new avatar. You look just fabulous.

I hope you feel at least half as good as you look.

All the best,

Barb

((((Vickie)))),

First of all, please know that the feelings that you are experiencing are very common to many of us. Most of are bright, high-functioning people, who do well in many other areas of their lives, but just cannot get a 'grip' on our weight issues. I know it's hard to see it in black and white, but I think the fact that you are addressing it head-on, with the best odds of getting the excess weight off and learning to manage your weight issues is a reason to truly be hopeful. Please give yourself permission to do this for yourself, your husband and your children. You will be giving them and yourself one of the most enduring gifts of a lifetime. You have everything left to hold on to ... you have your physical, emotional and mental health ... you will be regaining control of your mind and body and we will be here to help and support you along the way ... as will your family and your medical support team. You can do this. You can change your life for the better.

I hope to see you Saturday and get a hug.

Warmly,

Barb

Hey Vicki: We have all been there or we wouldn't be here.   This has got to be the most fantastic place for support with an awesome group of people.   My husband was very supportive of me as was my sis in law but my kids were awful and afraid i would die.  I explained to them if i didn't do the surgery, i would surely die soon from an obesity related illness.   I am now 3 months post and they are finally coming around....they are older so their problem..not mine.  My folks were also very worried but supported my decision and even came down from MI to be here for me while i recouperated.   We all handle the emotions of this differently but I can honestly say this was the best decision of my life and I feel like i finally have control of it again..for the first time in a long long time. Take care, good luck and God Bless you, Pam

Hey Vickie, I am so glad you reached out.  Actually powerlessness is a GIFT!  It's the first step in recovery:  to admit we are powerless and that our lives have become unmanageable.  The rest of the process can only take place AFTER we have admitted that we are powerless.  Now I am not trying to 12 step you,  lol, just want you to know that you are exactly where you are supposed to be, no matter what you are feeling, and that you are definitely in the right place!  WELCOME!  And keep sharing!