unsupportive family ..............

my husband is not supportive of my hopes to have the surgery.  we have discussed it, and he has read the information from the education class.  all he can focus on is the "possible" side effects.  i have been researching this for 2 years and i am comfortable with my plans.  but he is against it.  i finally told his sister tonight, and she just added fire to the flames.  all she had to say was so and so had it and had all these problems, etc.   my parents and sisters are behind me 100%.  they know i have struggled my entire life with my weight.  i just don't know how to get him to understand how i feel.  i have begged him to go to this website and read.  he is very old fashioned and isn't comfortable with the computer.  he and his sister act as though i think this is a quick fix.  i am wayyyyyyyyyyyy beyond that train of thought.  any suggestions????????????????????????

thanks,dee

I'm so sorry to hear this. Some folks just don't get it. Sounds like he has some fear issues - probably more to do with his fear of his life changing than a fear of something actually happening to you. As far as his sister fanning the flames - ask her how many funerals she's been too becasue o heart attacks and other weight related illnesses. Is there anyway your folks can help persuade him? Can you drag im along to your next appointment and let him ask the doctor directly about his concerns? If you can't get him to the computer - bring it to him - either print it out or quote it.  good luck - Iris

thanks iris.  i am going to get him to make a list of concerns and questions...........and have the doctor address them all when we go for my consult with the surgeon.  i hope he will leave there feeling more comfortable.   thanks!

That is very difficult. You need to remind them and show them that the percentage of people with problems is very small.  There is always risk.  Have any of them had surgeries recently? You can find out what the risk factors are and complications possible afterwards and compare it and show them the equality and how they were ok (if they were).  This is in no way a quick fix. In fact, after having had the RNY, for me, I find it to be harder. It is easy (the restrictions) because once you try to do an old habbit, the dumping is enough to keep you from doing it again. But I think about food and liquid more than I ever did before. Constantly having to count and watch and keep track.  I think you should have your husband make that list of concerns and have him go with you to your appointment and talk to the surgeon. If he can't get his answers or feel comfortable after talking to the doctor and getting the REAL Facts...  then, you might have a problem. If he refuses to go and talk with the surgeon, then you have other problems I would think. There are men who are afraid that their wives won't want them. I know I had that problem with my husband. He is still afraid that once I loose weight I'll want to venture out.  But once we found the real root of the issues he was having, we have been able to work around that. My husband also likes his women... well ... meaty.  My surgeon reassured him that with my bone structure and density and height, I will always be of an "amazonian build". I really hope things work out for you. It can't be easy to be split like that.

Do what makes you happy! Don't live life with any regrets. It gets you no where wondering "what if"..........

Amy

Dee -

I understand your hurt and frustration. I imagine that they are speaking out of their own, fear, concern and to a certain extent, ignorance. I know that my mother and sister were both against my persuing the surgery, but I have to admit that they were more willing to 'listen' than it appears your husband and his family are. One thing that I decided to do was to invite my mother to attend any all of my appointments with my Dr. This helped all of us a great deal. We started with our primary care and moved on up the ladder. I also printed out information related to the incidence of complications with and without surgery.

I think that it is normal for some people to be more reticent to accept a surgical solution. We hear more about what didn't work and the horror stories than we do about what did work. The news rarely reports good news.

I don't know if it will help them to understand that you don't consider the surgery as a cure, but as one of several tools that you will put in place to ensure your longterm success and health. I think it might help if they understand that you realize that surgery won't cure the problems you have had with your weight, but it will help you lose most if not all of the excess weight and give you tool to help you keep it off. I know that most programs require you to undergo some counseling to support the 'head changes' that you have to make to ensure that you can keep the weight off long term. If yours does, then I'd address that. If you feel like you might need additional help with 'retraining' your brain and habits, you could look into a counseling program that will help with that. Maybe if they see that you are considering this as one of many tools to help you live a long, healthy, happy life, they can get behind you.

Sometimes, for spouses and other family members there are issues that go beyond their articulated concerns. If you lose this weight, what happens to the dynamics of the relationship? Sometimes when people aren't secure about where they fit in a relationship, they may not be comfortable when there is a shift on the horizon.

Ultimately, it's going to be you and your own decision. While it would be preferable to have your husband's support, you can do this without it if that's what you want and need to do.

Warmly,

Barb

thank you barbara.  can you give me some direction as to where i can find some current, dependable statistics to print off and let my family read for themselves.   there is so much out there, not sure where to go first.  any suggestions or recommendations???? thanks,dee

Dee -

I'll research a bit and get back to you.

Barb

Could it be that he's possibly jealous?  Maybe of the new-found attention you'll be receiving due to the weight loss or that you may "GET SKINNY" and want someone other than him?? I like to look at why people are acting the way they do and try to reassure them that their fears won't come to fruition. Kelly :)

Dee, use me as an example of how things might go all the way RIGHT after this surgery. I have had absolutely NO side effects at all with the exception of weight loss and some hair loss. I've not even so much as thrown up once. It is possible to have this surgery and have a very possitive experience.

If you'd like me to, I can email you my before pictures and you are free to use any of my blog in helping to educate your husband. Heck, we don't live far from each other, we can get together sometime and sit down and talk as well.

I'm sorry he's not being supportive, I hope it's just because he's affraid for you and worried for your health. Be consistant and persistant though, if this is what you feel is right for you deep down, then this is what you should do. I aslo did a couple of years worth of research as well. When I told people of my decision, I didn't get 100% support either, however over time and them seeing my own personal dedication to making this work and doing things the right way, they came to understand that this was exactly what was right for me, just the way I had always known. Sometimes it just takes our worrying families loger to see the good.

Good Luck hon!

{{{Hugs}}}