up at 4am cleaning

Lets see if I can make this to the point. I had to take mother to urgent care yesterday because of her loosing her hearing all of a sudden on her right ear. Also I was told by my sister mother is having great difficulty eatting with a fork. This is all so frustrating for her and for me. I was made an offer to be assigned the health care executive of her before Christmas. At this point I just not sure I want this. I want the best for her always but dealing with her is so difficult. So at 4am I am up cleaning dishes and the microwave. One of my biggest fears is this is not going to get better and when she barks she wants everyone to jump. It is so important to me I walk everyday and ride my bike. In a situation like yesterday I was able to get my walk in. My concern is before my weding there was so much she expected of me and I tried to tell her I needed to go workout. I was called everything under the sun and before I knew it I lost that addiction to working out. I need that addiction it helps me so much not only get healthier but helps my depression. I am not spending tons of money on a club any more and have found I am able to get in a good workout by walking and doing my water class and riding my bike. I try hard to arrange my day around getting my walking in ect.. In fact I base my whole day on it. This is so upsetting to me and hopfully things will get better.                                                         Annie

Annie, As hard as it is to do, you have GOT to set boundaries with your demanding mother.  You have to separate her needs from wants.  Just because she WANTS something from you doesn't mean she needs it or gets it.  Most of us love our parents, BUT we also get to live our own lives as well, just as they did.  Perhaps much of her neediness is because she's getting older and scared about that. From other posts, it sounds like your mother has financial means to bring in help from others.  It's hard, but if you're her health care POA, you have the power to see that is done.  You were granted that power as the one who can and should make sound medical decisions for and about your mama.  All her care need not be done by you, nor should it be.  It can and WILL take a toll on you both mentally and physically, as well as emotionally (as exampled by the fact you can't sleep worrying about it and are up at 4AM cleaning your microwave). And this is a f.a.c.t... All these things WILL impact your marriage. Will Lee get so fed up he leaves?... and if so, you will be alone and your mama will one day be gone, and you will be the one responsible when you look in the mirror... and then YOU will repeat the cycle of being the demanding old lady. I saw this happen in my own family with a very demanding physically impaired grandmother who controlled my mama like a puppet for years.  Much of that control was in my grandma's threats to remove my mama from her will and nice financial means.  Even though my mama was the one caring for her night and day, I hated that my grandma used this like a carrot dangling over mama's head all those years while mama's brother did NOTHING for her... and rarely even came to visit her, even though he walked by her house EVERY DAY.  He didn't even stick his head in the door to see if she was alive or needed anything. My mama was a sweet and kind woman, but me and my sister and daddy took 2nd fiddle to my grandma until she died.  Thing is, mama was getting ready to start HER life when my grandma died (something she's put off for years), but mama was diagnosed with ovarian cancer 3 DAYS after we put my grandma in the ground, and it was downhill from there.  That night, mama laid in my lap at 3AM when we got home from the hospital and CRIED like a baby in my lap... saying "This isn't fair.  I was getting ready to finally have MY life."  I cried with her and told her that is wasn't fair... I was SO mad at God for a long time. MANY folks around here who knew them both, independantly of each other, said that after mama got sick like this and died so soon after my grandma... "Well your grandma had to take her with her didn't she?"  I had already thought that to myself, but it was sad how so many others thought the same thing about how my grandma controlled mama. Annie, take control of this situation NOW.  Don't be the one laying in somebody's lap crying saying you were getting ready to being living after your mama's gone and you've given it all away to her!  Save some for yourself, except start now.  We can love our parents without being their slaves. As long as you all DO jump when she barks, she's going to continue barking.  She's been trained by you all that her barking works!  It's time to start arranging her life around yours... and when that doesn't work anymore, it's time to pull in other help.  You have the RIGHT to set boundaries.  She ain't gonna like it one bit, but you get to start calling the shots now, and should.  Again, you can do that and still LOVE your mama.  Caring for her properly as well as yourself IS love. Caring for Elderly Parents? How to Say NO Without Feeling Guilty

Wendy, Thank you for sharing your story with me. It is so sad about what happend to your mother. I am not POA yet it has just been offered to me and has to be agreed on by my siblings. Mother is already in a assisted living situation and has several care providers during the day. I warned her and my sister about MLK holiday and asked what was the back up plan for coverage. Mother would not talk about it with me but then got into a panic yesterday knowing it was a holiday and the ENT clinic wasent open so this is why she went to urgent care. Mother did talk to her night nurse and she was willing to still work yesterday. The family is suposse to have a meeting in the future but still no date has been set. Thanks for your input and do know I have started setting limits with her. I just spoke with her and was informed there was no one who could take her to the ENT clinic today.I let her know yesterday that today I was not able to take her. Communication is lacking big time between her and the caregivers and the place she lives.                                                  Annie

Oh Annie,             I am so sorry you are being faced with such difficulty concerning Mother. Especially when it is at the cost of your newfound health. I know it is not what Mother wants but perhaps it is time for her to go into an adult home where she can be cared for (and bark orders) all day & night. I know you love your mom but if it is costing you in areas you can't afford to pay - emotionally, mentally, physically - I would strongly consider it. She may not like it but she will get used to it.       I don't mean for this to sound uncaring toward Mother. I understand the situation and the guilt that comes with having to make a decision like this. People have to make this very decision every day. No, it's not easy but in the long run, it's usually what is best for both. Stay strong, my friend. Take care of you. You will make the right decision. You know better that I what it is.

Love you!! Mare xoxo

Annie -

My heart goes out to you. I know that you love your mother and really do work hard to take care of her, but it is your obligation to take care of you first. If you don't take care of you, how can you care for anyone else.

You can take care of your mother without sacrificing your own health; physical, mental and emotional. However, doing so, is going to require some support and different ground rules. Sometimes, it's really hard for us who give much to set reasonable boundaries, but realize that when you are setting and enforcing those boundaries you are protecting not only yourself, but her as well. Those boundaries are what will enable you to do what you need to do in the long run. As Wendy said in her response, it is going to be important to separate needs from wants.

If I may, I'd like to suggest that you consider getting some counseling that is geared towards being a caregiver for an elder. There are lots of issues involved and I think that having an objective third party might help you to make decisions without carrying huge bags of guilt around.

((((Hugs)))),

Barb

Annie, I'm so sorry that you're going through this!  Everyone has given you really good advice.  My focus is that you have to take care of yourself.  That is paramount!  Yes, she'll get mad, but if you're healthy then and only then can you truly take good care of her too!  Best of luck in the future.

Annie I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this.  I just wanna give you a huge great big ((((HUG)))).   I know it can not take any of your struggle away, but I want you to know that I am thinking of you and I know this is extremely hard.  I agree with what everyone said about taking the time for you now, or it will get out of control before you know it.  she is your mother...and I'm sure she will be mad at you, but the good thing is...mothers usually do bark alot more than bite.  Their words can do alot of damage, but please know that she is also scared about what is going on with herself right now and she has always reached out to you.  You have always been there to help her, and you are now, just in a different capacity.  She will come around.   I also think that you do need to gather the family sooner than later.  Its important for this decision to be a family affair.  It will be extremely hard on all of you, but it is something that has to take place.  I am thinking of you all.   Your mother is extremly fortunate to have you as her daughter.  Annie..you are a very special person indeed.  Stay true to yourself....  You completely deserve this happy time in your life.   Connie