what would you do???

Ok you all know I suffer from sever major depression. OK the doctor and the lady I just talk to said my anorexia and bulimic and depression is coming from my child hood. (sex abuse) The doctor has me on prozac I have been on it for like 6 months. I am more depressed now than I was before.  I try to tell him it's not working he will say talk to mary.....the head lady I just talk to...........Mary is just a person that just listens. She don't do meds. They say all my body pains and throwing up is coming from depression ok and the depression is coming from my childhood. OK I GOT THAT......the lady I just talk to said wright a note to god and let him know how mad and hurt I am from what had happen. And then burn it............WTF.............I am not mad at god. He didn't do this to me.........I called and ask to see another doctor and they told me I could see one from another town but not here. What the hell. It is just across the street from my work. That is why I went there. I go about 3 times a month. I don't have a car so I just walk across the street. Ok I am suffering real bad. Done have my funeral planned out. The prozac is not working...............I feel worthless.............I don't know why I am here on earth.........and does it even matter if I am here????? I am only here to give my kids money.....I don't think they care about me as much as I do them. They only help me when they want money. When they have money I don't see them that much. What can I do. I don't want to be this way. I have no desire to even get out of my chair. I don't want to move I don't want to be at work. I don't want to be anywhere. I want to cover my head up and sleep to the end. What can I do? I want to be happy and laugh again. I still have good enough mind left to know something is wrong. If I went on off the deep end it might be better. I would not know something was wrong. To me being put in a padded white room in a stright jacket don't sound to bad right now..........some mornings it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps...................................................should I go to the mental health floor at my hospital???? I don't want to get all doped up and not know what is going on. My son said if they get me there they is no way in hell they would let me go. I was told it would only be 3 days. I work for a place that we have to keep a upmost respect and act like we are the best in the world at my job. We have to act like angles. This would disgrace my work people. They would find a way to get rid of the crazy lady..............Oh well if anyone has had depression what did you do to get better????????? any info at all will help.............god bless you all I know I can count on you all......... lots of love Amy

Hey Amy, I think the writing the letter to God about things you are angry about is not about being angry with God.  It's just getting the anger out and then burning it, so you don't reabsorb it... kind of a mental exercise.  You'd be surprised how well it works.  I know it sounds silly.  I too, was a victim of childhood sexual abuse.  I went through years of therapy, so I know first hand the tools they use.  It's only meant to help. Prozac did nothing for me.  My sister also was on it and said it killed any kind of desire for her husband.  Encourage your doctor to try another medication if it is truly not helping you at all. If your therapist is not working for you, find one  that does.  You should feel elevated and inspired and unburdened when you complete a session, not worse.  Find one that you have complete trust in.  This is very important. I can't say one way or the other whether you require hospitalization.  That is a personal decision between you and your doctor.  It is not a good place to be. if you can function, work and continue to improve on your own, then strive for that.  You are stronger than you know.  If you lose sight of those things and cannot function, then 3 days might be a good thing.  If nothing else, it will encourage you to never have to go there again. Try making home made soups with lots of fresh vegetables and shredded meat.  It is healthy and easy to eat.  You must nourish your body honey.  God entrusted you with this body and it is your responsibility to take care of it. Pray, pray and pray some more every day.  God answers all prayers.  He loves you Amy.  You know that.  He is the only man in our lives that we can really count on.  He never lies, cheats or steals.  He is our faithful, loving and forgiving father.  Pray for comfort, peace and healing in your life. Oh yes, and one more thing.  Forgive yourself.  "And this above all, unto thine own self be true and then thou canst not be false to God."  (William Shakespeare's Hamlet)   Thanks for keeping us posted on your journey. Love ya, Diane

You know what had happen to me as a child then raped very violently when I was 16......why is it just now bothering me. I never did before now. I know I can't change what happen so I don't know what to do. I do not want to go the the hospital......I know the nurses will say something to me and I will go off on them.  Then they treat me like crap and refuse to come in my room......I wanna be better for Christmas with my kids. This might be my last Christmas and I want to make it special.  I hate feeling down in the dumps.............I am even tired of it so I know peple around me are. Amy

I have to agree with every beautiful word Diane wrote. You are worth fixing, honey...whatever it takes. Maybe your doctor should run some more tests, bloodwork, etc. There may be a chemical imbalance or something else that was overlooked causing you to feel this way.  If he's unwilling, perhaps a different doctor. I know it seems like a PITA to have to do all this, but unless you do you may never know how REALLY good you can feel. Praying for you to find the answers, friend. xoxo Mare PS - Taking those bags off your window would be a good start.  All that darkness can't be good for you.  

You make me feel like I am worth something!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are a good friend and person......

 

Amy

Hey Amy, I think you missed your calling.  Really. Look at how many folks love to read your posts.  They pop in from every state in the union when you post. You are like the daytime drama of OH.  You could make a fortune as a writer for the Young and the Restless or As the World Turns, General Hospital, and The Bold and the Beautiful.  I'm serious.  You keep the board hopping and folks entertained. Love, Diane

lol girl I have a story for everything...........after my divorce I went a little on the wild side...........for a few years...........I can say lol....been there done that..........Just think if I felt good what all kinds of stuff I could get into now.....lol........might be a good think I am weak...............

love ya

amy

I am with Diane on this too.  You are worth fixing..  you are worth pulling up by the bootstraps and getting better.  Pray Amy.. Like you said, God is not at fault here, but I know he is there waiting for you to call on him for strength.  :)  You are in my prayers.

Than you so much. Why don't I feel like other people. I hide from the world. I might not have as much money or stuff or even a car but I am here on this earth trying to survive.....I work with rich women. I come in and hear what all the bought and already buying christmas stuff and I just go and hide. To me it is a reminder of how poor I am........... amy

For your medication you should be seeing a psychatrist.... they are the most trained in prescribing meds and knowing which combos/drugs work best for different issues... if its just a PCP general type Dr prescribing he should just admit he doesnt know enough and send you to an expert... that would be my suggestion at this point. A few years ago I had horrible depression, anxiety attacks as well as OCD... I went thru my PCP first and tried medication after medication... finally the psychologist I was seeing (I had to go thru a few before I found one I liked) got me in contact with a psychiatrist... they finally got me on the proper combo of meds to help... it was the first time I started to feel better. I think for mild depression/anxiety issues its fine to use the PCP and just try a few drugs until you find what you like... but for serious issues you need a more serious Dr with specialized knowledge. As for writing the letter... I dont think you have to address it to God... maybe by just writing it down it will help... do you deep down blame somebody for what happened? do you blame yourself? if you dont know who you blame... or even who to blame perhaps write a letter to those who were around you and put into words how you feel they should have helped or what they didnt do that you wish they had... its worth trying. Sometimes getting whats on the inside helps... I know ive written many letters that were never sent... just getting it on paper would be enough sometimes.