I blew it!!!!

And it scares the you know what out of me! A week or so ago I had a bite of a snickers bar. I don't dump and it was fine. It soothed my craving and I just went on my merry way ... you know, like a normal person. Well yesterday was a totally different matter. I had a bite, then another, then another ... you get the idea. :...(

I know that in the scheme of things yesterday's indescretion is a bump in the road, but I can't tell you how much it has scares me ... It feels more like a sinkhole. It really showed me that I don't have control over what I'm doing ... that I really need to stay on the straight and narrow. I don't know that I'll ever be able to "eat like a normal person" ...

Oh! I'm back up to 188 again! Not from the candy ... it was 188 earlier in the day, but I just can't seem to shake this number and get down ... I've been here for about 2 weeks. Oh well ... I guess patience is a virtue I need to cultivate.

I'm going to go shopping and make sure that I have all the things I need to keep me successful. ... yes, I did log it in fitday.com btw ... and extra 480 wasted, expensive calories!

I'm so ashamed and mad and frustrated and scared ...

Thanks for letting me vent.

Barb

Barbara, take it as a learning experience.  We are all human and make choices that later we regret.  Don't beat yourself up.  I am not yet on the losers bench but will be soon I hope.  My paperwork should be going to insurance this week, so maybe you'll be giving me support soon Have a better day today!  Alice

Alice -

Thanks for your kindness. I'm looking forward to continuing to learn ...hopefully, more positive than negative.

Please do let us know when you get an answer from your insurance company.

Thanks again,

Barb

In OA they talk about living day to day, hour to hour, even minute to minute.  You didn't "blow it", you just saw a part of yourself you thought was gone.  I have done the same blessed thing, and it scared me too.  The other day I went to the pantry to get a protein bar and ended up with three, not one, but three chocolate chip cookies instead.  I dump a bit, but didn't particularly care right then.  I chalked my choice that day up to just that, a bad choice.  I didn't let it ruin the rest of my day, nor did I use it as an excuse to pig out on more bad stuff since I'd already "ruined" my day.  Neither did you!  That was a success. So now you know, for sure, that you don't want to go there.  You know that sugar is a trigger food for you, as it is for most folks.  Actually, I have heard recovering alcoholics say that they stay away from sugar as well, it's a trigger for them to drink as it sort of acts like a drug.  Do your level best to stay away, just as you said in your post.  When you do slip up, just shrug it off and don't let it get you down. All of this may or may not have any bearing on your situation.  I just know what my trends were, and still are.  I am a recovering food addict and always will be.  I know what my triggers are and that I should avoid them.  When I start down the sugar path, I end up craving it enough that it does make me a little crazy.  I guess my point in all these ramblings is keep your head up.  The stall will pass, the sugar splurge is over, and you will do well.  You're already in "Onderland" which is Onederful!  This surgery does work, and you do have to be diligent, but you're allowed a slip up once in a while.  No one's perfect! I hope something in my ramblings helped. Take care. Ellen

Ellen -

I love you and your ramblings! Thanks so much for the support and perspective. I am coming to the same conclusion. It's scary to see that those "deamons" are still there. I guess the positive thing is being able to acknowledge that and not to give into them.

Thanks again. Your support and means more than you know.

Barb

I find limiting what I have access to allows me to have control. If I am craving candy/sugar or something sweet I will go some place that sells the bulk candy. If I am wanting Jelly Bellys I will literally take 2 of each of my favorite flavors and end up with less than 10 beans.. I pay my few cents and leave. When I am done... there is no more... so no temptation! I rarely crave chocolate but usually keep a few hershey kisses in my desk... 1, maybe 2... they will sit forever until I may have one... again... limiting the amount limits the temptation :-) Dont be ashamed, mad or frustrated... take your experience and learn from it. Remember that you have been eating one way for how many years of your life... thats not corrected with surgery... it will take you time to relearn how to eat and you *will* make poor choices/mistakes... its life :-)  The first 6 months I ate a lot more things that I do now... from 6-12 months is really when I started to decide certain foods were no longer worth eating and really didnt taste all that good and wernt good for me either. At over a year out I feel I am 'good to go' for the most part and really learned a lot over the past year.

Jennifer, I can't tell you how much I value your posts.  It's obvious that you have put in a lot of work and research and I learn so much from you.  Just wanted to say that. Ellen

Thanks :-)  Im getting wise in my 'old' WLS age :-)

Jennifer -

Thanks so much for your response. I truly value your input and it gives me hope.

Thanks again.

Barb

I really enjoy your posts Jennifer. Thanks