hate the fat person I am and feel like

Well this morning I weighed in at 250 pounds really a big mark for me it has been over 13 years since I have been here . I should be happy and smiling but the last two weeks I find myself sneaking food pushing the limits and overall feeling crappy. I look in the mirror in the gym  when I am on the excercise bike and feel more disgusted than I have in a long time . I avoided mirrors for so long now when I am forced to I look in them I cringe. How come when I weighed 326 I did not see the fat person and now that I have lost 76 pounds all I see is the fat person? I asked for a referral to talk to the psychologist but they are waiting for her replacement. I worked in mental health myself years ago but really can not get myself out of destruction mode and the self disgust. I hate and I mean hate when people tell me I look good or I am melting away I think yeh right 250 pounds I am fattttt. Sorry but I needed to vent has anyone else felt like this? Or am I just  crazy?

im sorry to hear that your feeling this way...i cant say the same because i havent had my surgery yet, hopefully next year.
though i dont understand, i am much heavier than you and would love to be where you are right now :)
maybe its because your not to where you want to be yet so you are thinking how can people think i look good?

i think you are doing great. you have had a loss so things are going in the right direction for now.
cheers,

thank you sunnie41 I know it sounds silly because I can do so much more than I did in the past and when I look at my pictures at 326  and my pictures now I see a difference. But my mind is playing tricks on me 22 years ago I weighed 155 pounds and in the past 15 years I have avoided photos  and when i looked in the mirror I never saw the fat me I only saw the 155 pound me but on the rare occasion I had my picture done I could see the fat .

Now it seems like I have the reverse disorder not that I am slim but I am down 10 pant sizes and my BMI is down but all I can see is the FAT me. I bought a magizine last night that has a good article" eye on the prize mental stategies to boost your motivation and tap into your inner athlete" that I hope to sit down and read tonight.

I keep telling myself when i get to 226 , 100 pounds off I will rejoice.

Well you basically summed up everything I am feeling as well.  I am having my surgery on Nov 24th but I feel like a total loser blob.  I am over 10lbs heavier than I was when I saw the surgeon last. I intended to try and go in the opposite direction but that did not work out so well for me.  I look in the mirror and am miserable.  I am so tired of being fat and hating myself for it. 

My lowest weight I could ever attain was 180lbs and I am almost 240 now.  I am 60lbs heavier than I was and it kills me that this could happen when I worked so hard.  I lost over 100lbs on my own and gained some back.  This time I did not gain all of it but if I don't have this surgery it will creep back despite running and trying hard.  I am so demoralized. 

I have only 8 days left until I have to go on my 2 week liver shrinking diet in prep for surgery so I am having the last of my food funerals. I love spicy food so am having my last Indian and Thai meal and then mentally I am ready to move ahead.  I keep telling myself who knows where I would be if I did not try --- probably 400lbs or more.  You can't saw saw dust ... its done and you can only look ahead and be positive. 

When I run and go to the gym and am tempted to beat myself up I remind myself that I have some dear friends who are struggling with some ver serious and life threatening medical conditions who cannot move or function much at all.  I should be greatful to be able to move and have a body that can.  There is always someone who envy's me as I do others and there is nothing good in that.  Feel blessed in who you are.

So great tto get  your post I watched my taped Biggest loser last night and worke feeling happy. I have told myself over and over taht I will not give up on the excercise this time around . This past spring summer I had some major surgery and was facing the fact that I may die and leave my children behind. Now when I excercise I tell myself my legs may hurt etc but at least I can feel them.  Today I put on a 3x shirt I bought about 6 years ago and it actually is loose and I have been wearing my husbands old 2 x t shirts when I work out that is progress. I have decided not to excercise in the small room at the gym with the mirrors shining back at me when I am on the excercise bike but go to the big part of the gym. I do feel alive when I am on the cardio machines. I am planning on running 5 km this May in the Fredericton Marthon but with your post about running I am wondering if I can do more. I will encourage you when you are low . I read the article I was reading talking about yesterday and it was great. I also ordered myself two books from chapters the eating clean diet and the eating clean diet workouts. I was thinking of trying a personal trainor but they wanted me to commit to three times a week for a year which would have cost close to $8000 I had no problem commiting to the excercise but can not afford the  money.

You will lose anywhere from 10-15 punds on your liver shrinking diet it will be hard but worth it .You have come a long way  240 is better than 280 your excercise combined  with your diet will bring you awesome results.

I will say no matter what I will never regret my lap band even with the difficulties I have had and the worry about having to eventaully get it moved. It has given me back my life.
God Bless

Hey we should train the run Fredericton togeather.  I figure after surgery I will need to build up my run base again so may not be able to run the half marathon in Fredericton next year but I should be able to run the 10K for sure. 

That would be awesome I will inbox you

have been reading your posts, and am hoping things are better for you this week. You should feel proud of what you have accomplished thus far. Losing weight , even with the lapband is an enormous challenge. You are doing GREAT!.  I have 20 pounds to lose to meet my doctors weight goal, but have been unable so far , in the last 10 months to get there. My body just seems to like where it is at, and after much internal debate, I am now in a good place emotionally, meaning I like my body now, and if never lose that last 20 pounds , that is ok. For so long I saw myself as fat, and lazy, but now I am doing so much more, that before was just too tiring. I can go for long walks, canoe, go shopping, and feel pretty darn good . I havent been able to get off my insulin , but have cut way down the units I take. So am happy with that. I realize and accept I don't have to be perfect. Take the time you need to lose your weight, and realize and accept that you are getting there in your own time, not on anyone elses timetable.

Thank you for your kind words I have spent a few days reflecting and reading I do love how I feel with my exercising so I have decided to focus on that and I have spent some time looking at old pictures and how far I have come I am just going to continue to plug away at it and journal what I eat if I have a bad day I have promised myself to restart the next day.