Emotional Eating

Thank you Charlene. As a nurse I have studied all of this and at times I even recognise different stages in myself but sometimes you just need to hear (read) someone else say that it's OK to feel depressed and to allow youself time to grieve. That it is perfectly normal and I will eventually feel normal again and not burst into tears because I came across a sock she knit for my son 25 years ago.  Again my friend. thank you.
 
Holy Moses Charlene what a horrible week you had way back then. You must have been shaking your head wondering where to turn next. I really hope you had a really good support system.  

My main supporter was in palliative care, which was next to peds- kind of ironic eh? The realtor came to the hospital to find me to the final inspection on the house. I wanted to skip but she wouldn't let me. I know it had to be done, but....The day Sarah, my daughter, came home from the hospital, my husband had to tell me that my Godmother died.  Two days later I had to go to her funeral. I lost it the moment I walked into her house- reality had hit.  I call it my week from hell. I just kept putting one foot in front of the other & I made it through- just as you will. The time will come in 6 months or a year from now when you will think of your mother & smile at the sweet memories.

When you relate these events now, so many years later, do you stil get a sharp stab of pain? I ask because I lost my mother-in-law in 1991 and evn now sometimes when I talk about her, it still hurts. I don't cry about her loss anymore but I still miss her everytime I speak about her. I don't miss her everyday. As a matter of fact I will go days/weeks sometimes and not think about her at all. When I do think of her I miss her.I can't even imagine going a day without thinking about Mom. 

I can't even comprehend your many loss'. I don't know how you have coped with them all. You even had one this past year. I suppose we will go on. Not much other choice, is there?

Thank you for taking the time to help me feel better. If you ever need me for any morale supportr, you only need to say.

Nine months ago, I lost my cousin James-he was a really a close friend. As teens he showed me the ropes in doing all the things our parents told us not to. Then 5 weeks later, his mother passed away- the most loving giving person you could ever meet. I didn't get to say goodbye to her. I really regret that.
What I feel depends when I think about a lost love one, depends a lot on how recent the loss is and the degree to which the.y were a part of my day to day life. Sometimes the place plays a role too. I miss some people more when I am back home in Rexton.  Usually when I think of my sister or brother, after 22 & 34 years, it is usually with a smile. I often think of funny things they said or would have said, a shared laugh. My sister "got" my sarcastic sense of humor- lots of people don,t.  I remember the good times....usually. At other times, the loss is almost fre****hink of how much I miss them and the many memories that never were. This usually happens at times where I still need them to talk to & a hug. I often feel so sad at how young they were. My sister would be only 70 & my brother would be 68. With my Mom, I usually just hear her opinions or imagined advise.  Sometimes I regret not having shared the important moments in my life with Mom. Believe it or not, occasionally I have been glad she isn't around to share some of her superstitious opinions. She scared the heck out of my sister-in-law when she was pregnant. She would have scrutinized every cent I spent on my wedding. But she would have been bursting with pride when I graduated from university. What I regret the most is we never got to have an adult relationship, to be friends. I was a topical hormonal teen girl when she died suddenly.
I am almost in tears writing this, so I still grieve all of them. Most of all, I miss being loved unconditionally-  the people that loved me unconditionally are all gone. But I did have such people in my life. Everyday , I work with people who never had & likely never will have that kind of love in their life, so I shouldn't feel sorry for myself.

I don't know where in your family you land  but I am the youngest in a family of 11 children. I moved out of my province when I was barely 16 and have never lived home since so Mom was the only member of my family I ever got along with, Because I have been away so long I barely know or even like the rest of my family, The only people in my life who love unconditionally are/were my sons and Mom. Now with her gone I feel orphaned. I am 50 years old and all my life Mom called me Babe or Baby. I used to get annoyed and say "Mom I am 35 or whatever and I am not a baby. She called me that until she died. Somehow it always made me smile because I finally accepted I was her baby. Now I am no one's baby and there were things I would tell Mom that I would never tell anyone else beause it didn;t matter what it was she always had a comment or solution or just said she was sorry and wished I was there. Thanls for letting me vent Charlene.

I am 7 of 7.  I was always introduced as the baby and the reply from the person I was being introduced to would always say "Big baby". No matter how old you are when it happens, when your last parent dies, you are an orphan.
I kind of left home at 16 to go to school in Moncton. I think Dad was a bit relieved to have me go; he was not an involved father- a real traditional father. He wasn't distant but he was the head of the house & women raised children & he never had to consider the needs of his children in planning his day. When Mom died, he just carried on as if nothing had changed. We always had a housekeeper (which my mother hated but it was a status thing for Dad, I suspect), so laundry, meals, everything domestic just rolled smoothly on. He really didn't have clue how to parent a teenage girl. He was 50 years old when I came along, he retired the year after Mom died. He even went south & left me with the housekeeper without a thought. Years later, he said that one thing he regretted in life was that he was not a hands on father like my husband. He realized he missed out by being the pampered head of the house. As you may imagine, I have abandonment issues with my mother. As I grew older, I understood my mother more & more. Like most of the world, both my parents did the best they could with the hand they were dealt. Even thought my children turned out very well, I know I made lots of mistakes. Sometimes I think they turned out well despite of me. You never know how the combination of nature & nurture is going to turn out.
I don't know about you, but this sure is good therapy for me! It's kind of like journal writing as therapy!.

Me too Kitty I feel the same way. It makes it easier I think because we do not know each other and our connection is only here on an invisable space. I think it helps to open up to someone you have never met so there are no expectations or judgments on either side, Thank you for allowing me to say what I want witout recrimination or fear of being judged.

 I cannot imagoine how you coped with losing your mom at such an early age. It was good that you had an older sister to help bit you must have been so lonely and felt as if you had been left to fend for yourself. I feel for your Dad too. To be left with a 15 year old with his traditional thinking must have been really hard for him. He was dealing with his own grief  but that was of no help to you. You must have spent a lot of time in such pain for a long time, To get graduate, get married and have babies without your most ardent supporter. I don't know how you did it. I suppose there was not much choice but to go on.  

I got married at 16 and moved to this province so I too had to grow up really fast. The first few years here my husband and I had no phone because we were too poor and I couldn't write to Mom because she could not read so I knew loss as well. I hated it here and knew no one, I think I was homesick for the first 8 years. 

I really didn't know how big my loss was when Mom died. It was my first death, & it was more of a long slow burn. As bad as this sounds, it had it's "perks" for a 15 year old.  I could never fool Mom- she always when something was up. Dad was a piece of cake. He never knew what I was up to. I got to choose new family room furniture. More or less, I ran the house. Dad bought me a car when I was 17, so he didn't have to drive me to work everyday. I didn't even have to ask. On the other hand, it would have done me a lot of good to spend a little time with Dad everyday. I didn't know it at the time, but I was a ship without a rudder. I had a lot of things I didn't need but not much guidance, parent attention, or supervision.

I don't remember my sister being around as much for the first 3 years after Mom died. No one came home as much as they did when she was alive. Home had changed. My sister's marriage broke down when I was 18. She  was around for me a lot  from then on.

 I'm still pre-op so give in to the emotional eating more times than I'd like to admit.
Emotional eating and dealing with grief has pretty much been my existance the last couple of years.
I lost my son's Dad, three years ago in April -- dealing with my Mom who was palliative, and lost her two years ago in May.
My son's Dad was taken in a random act of violence, my Mom's health deteriorated over the years with coronary issues, angina, thyroid, diabetes.   One of the last things she said to me was not to let my little boy look at me the same way i was looking at her... and asked me to lose some weight.  "Some"  seems like a funny word, since I'm 5'3 and weigh over 300 lbs.
During Mom's sickness, I went to a Grief seminar at a lunch workshop through work.  There was a handout given to us -- with words like -- best friend, confidant, admire, patient, therapist, loving, advice, strength, etc.  The list went on and on. 
They said to think of the person you were losing or lost, circle the words that apply.  I circled every word... about 50 or so words.  Every word. 
The lady giving the seminar took a break, asked me to stay behind.  She asked me who were the people I was thinking about when I circled those words, and thought I misunderstood her directions.  She said .. this is meant to focus on that one person you are losing.  I said I know.  She said.. one person is all of those things to you?  Yup.  My Mom is.
She said.. How are you coping?  I said.. not so well.  She said.. no wonder.   You need to begin to search and replace some of those things your Mom has been to you, or the loss you feel will be so overwhelming you may not recover.  
I took her words to heart.  When I need a good kick in the butt, I found a friend for that who can be brutal.  haha
When I need to laugh or cry.. I have a friend for that now.
I miss my mom and my son's Dad every day of my life.  But I know they're around me, guiding me.  I feel their presence, my son has his Dad's sense of humor.. so we laugh every single day.
Find people to fill in for the people you've loved and lost.  It really does help ease the pain even just a little bit.
The hardest thing about losing my son's Dad is the feeling of bitterness.  I don't want to become a bitter, hateful person.  I fight that every day.  Sometimes I feel angry that I'm left all alone to raise my son.  Then feel horrible that I'm angry at someone that lost their life trying to protect other people.  How selfish is that?   
Anyway.. When I'm really down.. I have this poem I found that I read.  It helps center me.  I'll share it with you.  I hope it helps you when you're sad.

 Ooops.. here's the poem:

A shadow of joy flickered; it is me.
I told you I wouldn't leave.
My memories, my thoughts are imbedded deep in your heart.
I still love you.
Do not for one moment think that you have been abandoned.
I am in the Light.

In the corner, in the hall, the car, the yard ~ 
these are the places I stay with you.
My spirit rises every time you pray for me, 
but my energy comes closer to you.
Love does not diminish; it grows stronger.

I am the feather that finds you in the yard, 
the dimmed light that grows brighter in your mind,
I place our memories for you to see.

We lived in our special way, 
a way that now has its focus changed.
I still crave your understanding 
and long for the many words of prayer 
and good fortune for my soul.
I am in the Light.

As you struggle to adjust without me, 
I watch silently.
Sometimes I summon up all the strength of my new world 
to make you notice me.
Impressed by your grief, 
I try to impress my love deeper into your consciousness.
As you should, I call out to the Heavens for help.

You should know that the fountain of youth does exist.
My soul is now healthy.
Your love sends me new found energy.
I am adjusting to this new world.
I am with you and I am in the Light.

Please don't feel bad that you can't see me.
I am with you wherever you go.
I protect you, 
just as you protected me so many times.

Talk to me and somehow I will find a way to answer you.
Mother, Father, son or daughter, it makes no difference.
Brother, sister, lover, husband or wife, it makes no difference.
Whatever our connection ~ friend or even foe ~ I see you with my new eyes.

I am learning to help wherever you are, wherever I am needed.
This can be done because I am in the Light.

When you feel despair, reach out to me. I will come.
My love for you truly does transcend from Heaven to Earth.
Finish your life with the enthusiasm and zest that you had 
when we were together in the physical sense.
You owe this to me, but more importantly, 
you owe it to yourself.

Life continues for both of us.
I am with you because I love you 
and I am in the Light.

-- Author Unknown