Think Im cracking up!

For 2 days now I feel like I am having an emotional breakdown.  It started yesterday morning, sitting in my living room by myself as everyone is still sleeping and I had this overwhelming fear came over me, almost panic.  It hasnt gone away yet,  Im thinking crazy things like what if I screwed up the pre-op so bad that I dont make it through the surgery.  I worry how my husband, mother and 5 yr old nephew would deal with my death. I feel like I need to write letters to them in case I do die.  I am also worrying about after the surgery, I feel like its my one chance and what if I screw it up.  Ive been crying for two days and am spending the night at my moms for a break from my  house and fridge since my husband works nights and I am alone all evening and over night....did anyone else have these fears this bad.

thanks

Hi there,

Guess what?  You are a normal bariatric patient!!

The blues and fear are very very real as you approach surgery.  I went through it just before my band surgery.  It is such a huge mix of emotions.  I was like you, afraid I would not survive the surgery and I felt the guilt of leaving my family behind to cope.  I did write letters to my loved ones just in case and I even taped a video for my grandchildren.  I also felt a great deal of grief.  Grief for the lifestyle and eating style that I was leaving behind forever.  Grief for all the years lost in obesity.  Grief for what might have been had I not succumbed to obesity in the first place.  I shed a lot of tears right into the operating room.  But even through all the tears, I knew the surgery was my last hope and my only chance for survival and I knew more than anything that the risk of the surgery was by far outweighed by  the risk I would be taking without it.

I struggle sometimes and I succeed sometimes and I fail sometimes.  But above all I know I did the right thing and had I passed away from surgery? Well I would have done do doing something positive to try to make the best of whatever life I have left.  I know that may sound harsh and even silly but nobody but us knows what it is like to live in an obese body.  Nobody but us knows the pain, the heartache, the dispare, the fear, the helplessness of a lifetime of obesity.

Yes your emotions will probably remain very raw up to and right after your surgery.  But once the weight starts leaving your body and you start feeling stronger and healthier and wiser for your decision - you will know that it was after all just grief and fear and that you overcame it and from then on the sky is the limit.

Hang in there - you are doing the right thing.  It will be okay.  You will do just fine so long as you follow your surgeon's instructions. 

And of course you have this forum.  This wonderful bunch of fantastic people to hold you up when you feel like you are falling. 

Deep breath now - take it a few minutes at a time if you have to and then just get on with the job of being the best you that you can be.

Ann

I don't think that anyone else could put it any better then what you said Ann, it is so true we have all thought this at some point along the way...God knows I have thought about it and after seeing Dr B the other day it is going through my mind more so.� My oldest son�Michael came in with me and he is worried about me and if something happens during surgery.� He is 21 years old, and he told me he was booking my surgery day off with a few other days to help look after me.� I told him everything will be just fine and that I have all my family and friends support and love behind me and that in itself is amazing.�

Angela if you need some company some evening especially now where Ron is working overnights let me know and I can come in and stay with you in the evening and keep you company and chit chat.� I know sometimes that being home alone and staring at the 4 walls is not comforting at all but trust me my dear all your fears and thoughts will surpass and just think of how this surgery will help you so very much and you are in the best hands for your surgery.�

When I go in for my surgery I will leave it in Dr B's and his staffs hands and the hands of God and I am sure everything will go smoothly.

Yes certainly take a deep breath and look forward to your next chapter that soon awaits you for a healthier you.

Hugs
Beth

How sweet that your son is so willing and eager to be your support - and you will probably need someone to be there with you for a few days - I was fine after 2 days but it was good to have someone there to help me for the first couple.  It may not be "open" surgery but it is surgery none the less and can be very draining.  Knowing I was not alone meant the world to me. 

Angela - it's OK - completely normal. I went through ALL our financial records, mortgage, car loans, wills EVERYTHING - and made sure it was all in order and labelled and easy to figure out. As well had "the talk" with those people really important to me in case something happened to me. I think it's all part of preparing and working through the process. The house was the cleanest it EVER was - my car was spotless - closets organized - you name it - I did it. But - it kept me occupied and busy.

I'm so glad you went to your Mom's to get away from the fridge and house while hubby is working., You are doing what you need to do. Crying is ok - we'd be worried about you if you weren't emotional. And worry is normal and healthy as well. This is a big step. But you have done EVERYTHING you need to do.

Hang in there and I hope it helps knowing we are ALL there rooting for you!

Take care------------Mary

And I thought I was the only one. I had my surgeyr Dec 8 and I had all the chriatmas gifts wrpped and signed form santa and told my hubby all he had to do was place them under the tree. I made a point of spending alone time with each child. My hubby thoought I was crazy and he did mentione that he highly doubted that if I died the kids would be looking for gifts form santa. I just had a need to get everything in order.