8 days and I am gone for 22

Hello all,

I want to thank everyone again for their support and kind words and encouragement to my last post.  My emotions were in the toilet gang, pure and simple.  But what better place to come for help in the bad times?  All of you are amazing and I am so very grateful that you are here and I think of all of you as my dear friends.  I was of the mindset that I should only bring inspiration to this forum but now I realize that my entire experience - good and bad might help someone along their way in this amazing adventure.

Now today I am not going to bring you all down.  I have good things to share. 

Of those pounds I had gained - only 2 are left.  If I can lose those in the next week  I will be at the weight I was when I left for my last major trip last year.  I think that is a doable thing - 2 pounds in 8 days.  But I might be pushing it so if I don't get them gone in 8 days -  no biggie, I will be fine with that.  I will be doing a lot of walking and swimming on my trip.  So as long as I maintain my calories or even if I splurge once in a while, I will be fine. 

Let me tell you a bit about our trip.  It is a dream vacation of sorts.  My husband and I and 4 of our dearest friends will be leaving early early in the morning a week from this coming Monday .  We fly into Newark New Jersey and then connect to a flight to San Francisco.  We will be there for 2 full days and then we are renting a car to drive down the Pacific Coast Highway.  We will be stopping in San Simeon to see the Hearst  Castle.  Google that one -they have a virtual tour and it looks amazing.  We stay in the area for the night and then the next day on to Los Angeles.  Every friend I have as asked me to look up their favourite stars.  One wants me to kidnap Rob Lowe.  One is positive that Kiefer Sutherland is ready to retire to her bedroom and all I have to do is give him directions ha ha ha.  She figures since he is Canadian he will love it here.   But we will be doing the whole star gazing thing in LA for a few days.  Then a red eye flight to Fort Lauderdale where we will meet 10 more of our friends and family.  We will hang out in Lauderdale for a couple days and then we board a cruise ship for a 10 day Caribbean cruise. We will be home very late on March 1st.- (if there are any robbers out there monitoring this weight loss site, then I guess I have given you too much information ha ha)

Now I have gone without a lot of stuff to save enough money to be able to take this trip and I was feeling way bummed that I had not lost weight from last year so that this trip would be even more enhanced.  That was impacted too by a horrible experience with a person who had just pretended to be my friend.  But I am not bummed any more.  I am in the moment and excited and fit enough thought not my fittest and my weight is what it is - down from my all time high and I am strong and ready to take on the world. 

I am far from perfect and I have made mistakes since being banded but I am human and I had a lot of "stuff" in my life that got me to my highest weight.  We can't expect that when the doctor installs the band or makes that RNY pouch that he excises all the "sh*t" that got us there.  He is not a miracle worker, only a physician.  We have to deal with the sh*t ourselves and often that is not the easiest part of the experience in fact it will almost always be the hardest.  My self esteem and my outlook on who I was and who I want to be -  was and probably is a more than just a bit screwy.  I will probably have to work very hard for the rest of my life to keep the monsters in my head at bay.  The band is just a tool to help me deal with the weight not a tool to help me deal with my demons.

So I guess this is indeed a rollercoaster ride of sorts.  Emotional ups and downs, highs and lows and along the way hopefully some if not many physical triumphs.  So for today, my name is Ann and I am a recovering obese person.  And for today I will try to eat sensibly, exercise moderately, and be the best Ann I can be.  Yesterday is gone.  Tomorrow will be another day and today is a gift and oh my gosh I am gonna say it, I know its kinda corny but that is why we call it the present.

Thanks again guys and if I can get those 2 pounds gone before I leave on my adventure - you will be the first ones to know.  And if I don't, I will tell you that I am okay anyway.

Ann

Ann

Have a fantastic journey and enjoy yourself! Wow what an amazing trip you guys have planned!

Try to live in the moment and enjoy all the wows you are able to do now that you are healthier- for me now vacation does not revolve around food which is a bit startling - after years of food not the activities being the draw on my trips abroad- it is a different experience.

So this year after wanting to for about 35 years - I swam with the dolphins! I have been a zillion places where I could have done it but the shame of my size and not fitting into a life jacket or in some cases wetsuit was the deciding factor!

We just returned from a trip to Mayan Riviera- we have been to Cancun before but not the Mayan- it was fabulous- two things I learned though-

1. Depression follows you no matter what or where you go

2. I am far enough out and because I dont dump I am on my own with regards to food and the result of any stray I may have.

At this point my body has figured out a way to get around malabsorption and no longer does that with my food - this is something they dont advertise readily about RNY - in the two years of research before my surgery I do not remember one book telling me that my body would learn to compensate and figure out a way to absorb calories again at 18 - 24 months out !

I am told it happens also with the DS but they continue to malabsorb fat so they get more leeway as they must consume a high fat diet.

So what this breaks down to is bascially calories in if not burned will end up with activity etc will be back on my ass or stomach lol!

So this fab tool certainly continues to work with restriction but the 18 so called "honeymoon months" of weight dropping off are now complete - I will always have to supplement with my vit's but weight wise its up to me - I have basically stayed the same for quite a long time now  - a few lbs up at that time of month- down a few lbs after - but I think my body is done !

I walked 3-5 kms on the beach a couple times a day on vacation that allowed me to eat what I wanted and sample many desserts- I can be happy with a taste or so of something sweet- since they are my downfall I dont test fate and throw caution totally to the wind and eat them full out- a taste or two thats it - and I dont do it regularily only on special occasions- if hubby or daughter wants the white sugary carby stuff- do it outside the house- they seem to be able to handle it and are healthier for it. That stuff will always be my downfall - I know it and must control it.

I have been battling a bad depression and the hormonal ups and downs of surgery have sure hit me hard- I may be 160lbs lighter than my former fat self but I dont see it in the mirror 99% of the time nor do I feel it in my head- I am sure working on the "mental stuff" but like you have mentioned its not easy and much more involved than I ever imagined- its a full time job and many days seems just too overwhelming! Baby steps and trying to live in daytight compartments is what my dr is suggesting - I am trying! Also trying some meds.

I guess I just wanted to tell you first - safe travels.

Also that many of us post up do find it challenging with regards to the "demons" that compelled to "stuff" our feelings in the first place - I tell my close friends all the time - the image may appear all fixed and they say to me what is there to complain about with a few lbs of xtra skin so what if you are wearing 6's and 8's - but on the inside I am battling all the mental stuff I did at almost 300lbs - my innards have changed re: my plumbing but not my issues - if anything they are more warped - cause the outside doesnt match the inside!

Stay well my friend and may you have the trip of a lifetime !

big hugs
deb

Thanks Deb,

I plan on taking each day as it comes all 22 of them and I will do my very best to enjoy each moment.  I am doing better now and the demons although they still live in my head are at least at bay for the moment. 

Man this surgery - the band or RNY or DS or VGS  -  is not and will never be the miracle cure so many people wi**** will be for them.  Nor is it for the faint of heart.  Although I could rationalize the whole "tool" speech in my head, living it is actually much different than I ever expected. 

I remember just after surgery when the weight was coming off quite nicely, I walked through the standard size section of a department store.  I thought to myself at the time that it would be no time and I would be thin enough to wear these "little" sizes.  Now here I am having struggled through a year and I weigh nearly the same as I did last year this time.  Whether I failed the tool or the tool failed me is not the issue.  What happened to me happened and I have to try to pick myself up and start fresh. 

So what difference is there then between a banded person and someone who is obese just going on a diet and trying very hard to stick to it?  Not much really except I get stuck on some foods and I have to chew my food more and I can't eat a lot of things that most people on a diet eat.  So why did I even bother?  Because I could not stick to a diet.  I need the rules and the restriction and the conditions of banding.  I need to have to chew, I need to have to be forced to make good food choices.  Otherwise I will weight nearly 300 pounds again in no time.  The fact that I have spent an entire year at basically the same weight is a triumph in itself.  I have not done that in years.  The past year was the first year in nearly a lifetime when I did not yoyo up and down drastically. 

I find my life does not revolve around food so much in that I don't contemplate all the bad foods I will eat when I get home from work.  Sure I plan but I plan to eat better and I plan to succeed more.  But I still find that food is my major thought a great percentage of the time, how many calories, how many ounces, how much protein.  And as an obese person - its nice to be able to say obese and not morbidly obese - I will always find that thoughts of food are foremost and that the dance I do with food will always be complicated and intense.

Also now, events don't center around food so much.  I prefer to enjoy the event or gathering and focus more on the people and less on the food.  If I can maintain that mindset I will be fine in the end. One day at a time, one event at a time, one meal at a time. 

Last evening my husband and I ended up in a restaurant - first time in a long while because we have been saving for this trip.  I think I did well.  At Pizza Delight I ordered the quarter chicken meal and fries but only kept half dozen fries for me and gave the rest to my hubby.  I then ate half the fries and I ate less than half of the large chicken breast and brought the other half along with the wing portion home for today.  No dessert.  Just ate what I needed and carried on.  I am proud of that. 

I will endeavour to do the same or similar while we are travelling.  With all the extra walking I will be fine. 

As for the demons.  They are what they are.  I struggle everyday to face them and not let them take control.  My issues that allowed me to gain all that weight are still in here and will probably always torment me from time to time.  I just have to try to stay in control.

Thanks again for you comments Deb.  I am happy that you are doing well all things considered.  Stay well and keep active and do what you know you have to do to maintain your success.  I am so inspired by you and very happy to know you.

Ann

It is amazing how many of us have mental health issues- whether it is depression or self esteem. I think they have a counselor connected to the clinic. Perhaps you could talk to her about your demons....after your trip. If I lived closer, I would take advantage of it......Maybe we should declare open season on demons and just shoot them!!

This is aimed towards Deb but Ann or Charline this may be for you too.

Depression is a real illness. It is not because of WLS surgery although the surgery may have brought it to the surface it did not cause it. Please please see your doctor. There are so many many antidepressants trhat will make you feel well again. This is not something you can pull up your bootstraps and pull yourself together.. It is a chemical imbalance in the brain that requires medication to correct. You will be amazed how much better life looks when you are not looking through the veil of depression. No stigma attached to this anymore.

I know that it is a chemical imbalance, and any doctor will tell you so, but I don't understand how weight loss can cure a chemical imbalance?? 
BTW I don't blame the surgery for the depression I or anyone one of us has- I know that diabetics and the obese  and women over 50 are at higher risk for depression (I am all of these things) and I have been battling it since 2001.