update - back again

Hi Everyone!

I just want you to know I have not dropped of the face of the earth.  I went on a little vacation to visit family in Ontario and had a wonderful time.  I came back on Sept 2 and managed to wrangle a fill for this Wednesday past.  I got .5 cc.  My band stats are thus:  4 cc in a 14cc band, total of 4 fills since surgery Dec 2, 2009. 

I have been kind of staying away from this forum for a couple of reasons and I will share them here because I talked to Rachel today and she encouraged me to do so.  Rachel is going to have surgery next week (yay Rach - can hardly wait till you are over here in Bandster Land) and I am her angel and so she called me today and I am so glad she did.  Here I was telling her how excited I am for her and arranging so her hubby can call me with her progress throughout the day  so that I can post it on here for everyone and then I ended up telling her how I had been feeling.  Even though I am supposed to be HER Angel, SHE angel'ed me.  God luv ya Rachel you are a dear, thanks so much.

So here is an installment in Ann's continuing stooory of How the Stomach Turns - I had to say that because I was a fan of Carol Burnette and I always loved the way they spoofed Soap Operas. 

I have been kind of staying away from the forum because all the success going around was sort of depressing me - I ended up having a big old pity party with only one guest - me.  I was feeling sorry for myself for not losing weight in ages and not having a fill and having absolutely no restriction.  I didn't want to come on here and cry the blues and bring anyone else down or discourage any of the "waiters" because this surgery is the best way to go but I was just kind of not having a good go of it.  That is to say, this surgery is not a miracle cure, it is not all peaches and cream, wine and roses, ya know what I mean?  But I felt that I had always tried to share the positive and not be the cause of anyone's second guesses, change of heart, etc. So I kind of dropped out of sight there for a while.

But then after talking with Rachel and telling her how happy I was for her upcoming surgery and that I would be here for her no matter what, well I just got to thinking.  I have tried to cheer others up and tried to be a positive entity on this forum.  I have also received a huge measure of support from  - Kitty_Mom, Penelope, and many many more of the wonderful folks who participate on this forum so why why why, when I most needed that support did I think staying away from the forum would help me   Duhhhhh.  I have never been accused of being brilliant.

So guys and gals, pals and surgi-sisters and brothers(there is a guy or 2 out there) brace yourself here it comes......Whaaaaaa, Wiiiiine, Cryyyyyyy, Poor Meeeeeeeeeee.  I have not lost an ounce in months, gained 8 pounds since my last clinic visit and have been feeding a head hunger that would stop a linebacker in his tracks.  I have been bad bad bad in my food choices, eating more than a cup, more that 2 cups more than 3 cups at a sitting because I can.  I was - up until this fill on Wednesday- starving all the time.  My tummy growled before meals and an hour after meals and I was totally F*%&ing up 24/7.

So on Wednesday I took the bull by the horns, got my fill, stopped and talked to Rinette for about 45 minutes, got some good advice from her for snacks and meals and tomorrow I am making some good big batch meals to portion and freeze so that meals on the run and meals alone will be a no brainer.  I am calling my local pool today to see about whats going on for the fall and I am dusting off the treadmill and lacing up my sneakers for a few walks in the country in this lovely cool fall weather.

I hate exercise! It is the one beast I have not tangled with and made friends with and so I have to focus on that now.  I have a lot of exercisy stuff at my disposal but if I even sit down for a second when I get home from work  - well just forget about me exercising.  So I have to find a way to motivate myself to move.  Any suggestions?  There is a lovely walking trail nearby but I have to drive to get there and then drive home.  I love to swim but the nearest pool is across the Nova Scotia border.  There is the pool at the local University but that is not really readily accessible to Plumpers like me who can't swim very well.  Public swims are full of guys who used to swim competitively and who do lanes andf make way too many waves to suit me.  Plus I need to be near the side or the pool cause I am not a confident swimmer.  Did you notice yet that I am making a lot of excuses here?  Geez - I am my own worst enemy!  So I am going to try to find something that I enjoy and that does not make me feel like I am going out of my way to do it.  Bottom line - I am LAAAAZY!  How to get the lead out of my butt is a huge question with few solutions thus far.  Its just something I am gonna have to do  - sort of like cleaning the toilet and scrubbing the tub - you hate to do it but it has to be done ya know?

So I tried Boost, Ensure and Glucerna for a meal replacement since my fill on Wednesday and I think of all of them I liked the Glucerna best.  It does not smell icky or too much like baby formula and tasted most like chocolate milk rather than the Optifast - which is what Ensure tastes like to me.  And that is not to say that you would not like it, its just that I do not.  So I am going to go get some Glucerna in the house for post fill days and for times when I dont have time to eat a meal.  

So there it is - that is my story and although I still want to let everyone know that I would not change my decision for a second, I am happy I had the surgery, I am pleased with the 70 or so pounds I have lost since July of 2008,  I also have to say that it is not a walk in the park, its never going to be an easy hill/mountain to climb and I think you need to be prepared for days, weeks, and even months when you wonder if its all worth it.  People all over the net say "Oh surgery is the easy way out"  Like H E double L it is!  This is one of the hardest things I have ever done but I would not change it for the world.  For every success there is a bump in the road, for every NSV (Non Scale Victory) there is probably gonna be a SD (scale defeat) but then just think of the alternative - Death - and I am not going there without a fight let me tell you. 

So thanks for listening.  Thanks for being there and thanks Rachel for the good advice.  I feel better already just sharing how I am feeling.

Everybody please keep Rachel R. in your thoughts and prayers (if you pray) for her surgery on Wednesday Sept 23.  I am her angel and will keep you posted as her husband lets me know how things are going for her.  She is an awesome lady and has been very supportive to all of us and so its our turn to do the same for her. 

Ann

Hello and it is a "Long Time No See" , I was wondering many times where you went . So happy to see you back.   I am relieved that you got your fill & had a talk with Rinette  and that you are SO ready to get back on track....
Not everyday will be coming up roses , in all aspects of life we will have the good with the bad. Glad that  you took the bull by the hornes.
You can do it . Show yourself that exercise  is your friend .  It is a NONO for me as well .  I know that I will have to do it also .
Take Care ....missed your voice on here.  WELCOME BACK.   

Thanks for the response Cat.  I have missed touching base with everyone.  Sometimes I think I dont want my life to be all about the surgery and the process of losing weight and getting healthy and so you slack off and dont pay attention.  But that is not the way it goes.  Posting here and hearing from friends like you means more that I had given credit. 

Thanks for the welcome back, glad to see you are still here.

Ann

Ann even when you are feeling sorry for yourself, you are an inspiration. You have picked yourself up and done the right things. Good for you. This journey is not easy nor is it smooth. We all slip into old habits after a while. BUT you are doing the right things and one of them is talking to us. We will do our best to help you. PLEASE talk to us when you are struggling. We will do our best not judge or preach, and to be supportive with constructive advise. This site is about give & TAKE. you have given so much, it is time to take what you need. Feeling discouraged is our biggest enemy, and talking to us fights discouragement. I know because I have been very honest here at times and 90% of the feed back was just perfect and lifted me up. The other 10% was well intentioned lecturing which I may have needed but don't respond well to. I don't have to like it for it to be good for me, I guess. You can't change yesterday. Everyday is a new journey.m Set some goals and visit us often, because we also need you- whether giving or getting support!

Oh thanks so much Charline!  I knew you would post something supportive right out of the gate.  I love that  you are a no nonsense kind of gal and that you get to the heart of the problem and say it like it is.  I will be posting more again.  This time I am afraid it will be more of All About Me.  I need to self focus so that is what I will do for a bit until I get my act together. 

I have been over 48 hours on mixed liquids so tonight I got brave and had half a cup of pureed soup and some apple sauce for supper - total a cup of food 20 minutes to eat it.  I am going slow since eating slow is an issue for me.  I have always been a fast eater and so its hard to take my time.  I am feeling some restriction I think - woo hoo.  It remains to be seen just how much but I will try to go ever so slow and pay attention to how and what I feel.

Thanks so much for the response. 
Ann

Oh Ann it is so good to see you again. I was just complaining a couple of days ago about all of the oldies were missing. And lo and behold, there you are.

Ann, please don't feel that you have to be always upbeat and inspirational. That's not even human nature. If you feel bad or discourage, come on in. We don't judge.
 
God knows I bit^^ and complain enough for 4 people most of the time. Sometimes I just need to vent and there is no place like here to let 'er rip. we have all been there. Gaining bloody weight and stalls and fustration. Here is the place to do it. I wake up some mornings with a hate on for the world and for my RnY. I come here Pi*** and moan a bit then I feel better. No matter how much I complain, people here know I wouldn't change anything about my surgery. I am just having a pukey or bad day and will be my old self tomorrow. 

Sweet Ann, drop in more often. Tell us how you are doing. We will boost you up and pat your back like family do. And that's what we all are here, family of losers. LOL

I too hate to exercize, or I should say i will do it for awhile and then I get bored, or its just too far to drive to a gym, too cold in the winter , etc, etc, but the one thing I recently found I like doing were the sports games on the WII  games system . My husband and I played baseball on it, and boy did I work up a sweat, and also the bowling looks like fun, we were playing it at our daughters house with our grandsons, so had to take turns fighting for the controls. Now we are going to buy our own system, I think they are around $200.00 but considering how much a gym membership costs, that a good investment, and darn havent laughed and had so much  fun doing any other exercize, ever. Plus I can use whenever I want and on those cold winter days dont have to worry about going out to get my execize. Just thought its something you may want to try. 

Hey Annn,

Good to have you back. There is nothing easy about this journey, but like you, I would make the same decision again if I had to.Unfortunately, the exercise factor is so necessary to achieve and maintain results. There is something out there for everyone. Have you tried Tzones? Is there one in your area?

I have discovered that I LOVE running on the treadmill. I sweat like a pig when I'm on there, but man, when I'm done,I feel like a million bucks. Last Sunday I went running at Centennial Park with my 12 year old daughter; it was great to be able to do that with her. . Maybe a dance class might be better suited for you.

I know you will figure it out :))

Jet

Glad to have you back Ann, weather you are doing good or in a rut, you are an inspiration to me.  You were the first one I spoke to about WLS and I will always be thankful for your information. 

I go to the gym three times a week (on my lunch hour) and I HATE it........LOL.  I'm not gonna lie to you and tell you I enjoy it because people who say that I think are a bunch of liers, I mean really, who are they kidding.....hehe.  *****ally enjoys sweating and having your whole body ache.....NOBODY!!!!!!!!

It's hard to get into an exercise routine, but like anything, once you do it enough, it become second nature.  I don't make any plans for Monday, Wednesday or Friday on my lunch because I know that I go to the gym and I don't let anything change my plans.  OF course, when I first started going, I felt intimidated but then I thought......who the hell are these people to me anyway.....NOBODY, so what does it matter what they think of me, I've gone my whole life being insulted about my weight, I can take the looks and stares.  But you know what I learned....nobody even cared what I was doing there, people will look at me and smile and say hi and go back to their own workout.

So my suggestion is to keep looking and trying new things until you find something you enjoy and then work your butt off doing it.....oh yeah and make sure you have really good music to help you move.......LOL

Ann, welcome back. I'm glad you decided to come back and post. I'd be lost without the support on the boards and the daily motivation of reading other's stories. It's so important that we are here to give AND to get. People need to hear ALL sides ~ you are right, this is a lot of work.

You nailed it on the head with the exercise ~ find something you ENJOY. There are so many different ways to exercise and the key is finding something you enjoy doing.

Glad to hear you talked to Rinette. Just start fresh. We ALL have to do that sometimes and the important thing is that we don't give up and keep on keeping on.