Frustrated and Depressed

Hi Everyone....sometimes I feel like a stalker on this site, I havnt had much to say lately because I have been so depressed and frustrated.  I finally have a referral to both Dr S and Dr B but now I know I am in for a long waiting period.  Seems like most of you are so much further in the process that I dont have much to add, so sorry for not participating.  I do check the site often and read what's going on though...it helps.  I was so focused on getting those referals to the Doctors that now I'm depressed about the long wait and I'm afraid that maybe it will be too late for me.  Did any of you go through a period where you felt like you may die before you can get the help?  I'm so distracted at work now and its hard to focus to get my job done.  I break down almost everyday at work, just feel overwhelmed and full of anxiety.  I've missed time too. I'm on antidepressants and anxiety medication but doesnt seem to help a whole lot lately.   I have started to see a counsellor.  I've seen a psychologist before for other issues but this time my focus is weight not everyone else.  I have obstructive sleep apnea and have only recently gone back to the girl who helped me with setting it all up as I really feel I need to make it work or something is going to happen to me.  I've struggled with the C-Pap machine for 3 yrs now.  I've been trying a new mask but my god I dont get much sleep.  Its hard running on empty like this.  I pray things will get better.  Thanks for letting me vent

Hello Angela:

You certainly are not a stalker on this site that is for sure, I myself do not say too much on here but I am on here each and every day lately reading things from everyone else.  I can certainly understand the frustration and the feelings you are having as I am sure we have all been there and still do get to this point as well.  I feel there is a lesser wait to get in to see Dr Marc Savoie then there is for Dr. B.  Your referral is in there now and I am sure that things will move along quickly with the list for Dr. Savoie.  I guess this waiting game is what takes so much out of us that are waiting and thinking will we ever get our chance.  I know that as we wait our health is playing a big part in everything and wanting to be feeling healthier. 

Give me a call and we can get together and chat sometimes just talking with someone who is also waiting for gastric bypass can be supportive and just to be there for one another.

My dear keep your chin up I am here for you as well as everyone else on this site.  This is the place to come and express your feelings and frustrations, because you know someone is listening and will give you support and feedback and will even put a  smile on your face.

Hugs
Beth

Thanks Beth- I will call to chat soon....just having a rough day I guess and needed to vent.  Thanks for listening

Ang

Angela, my dear, vent away. That's what we are all here for. To voice concerns, to share happy events, to be scared and need someone to ask "did this happen to you". I did not even find this site until I had already seen Dr. B. so it seems like I did not wait at all but I did. My referral was originally sent in in 2005. I used to feel like you do now. I'd think I'll be dead before I get this life saving surgery. When I had my referral there was only Dr. B. so there was no choice. The wait was what it was unless you had money to self pay. Not me.

I guess what I did finally was try to get some weight off myself. In 2007 I weighed 293 pounds on surgery day I weighed 250. I know it was no much weight off but it did make day to day life easier.

I  did not really start losing weight until spring of 2008. I bought a steno pad at the dollar store and wrote down every bite that went into my mouth. At the end of the day I would add up all of the calories I had consumed that day. Some days it would be as high as 3000 calories. Some days it was as low as 800 calories. The aim was to see what I was eating. It helped. I wouldn't lie about what i ate because nobody ever saw it but me so I could be honest.
 
By keeping track of what you eat, it forces you to take notice and when I was thinking about having that second or third helping of whatever, I knew I would have to put it on paper and that kind of acted like a conscience.
 
I started this because I had lost hope of getting in to see Dr. B. in the forseeable future and was not going to let fat kill me. I did not want to die from diabetes or make it worse if  there was any way I could prevent it. I still keep track of every bite I put into my mouth. Habit now I guess.
 
Hang in there Angela. We all know how it feels . Vent anytime you  need to.

Maggie, that is such good advice!  The best way to get your mind off of one thing is to do something else.  Focusing on something else really helps. Writing down everything you ate was a perfect example.  I think Angela, you need to focus on maybe working on your weight loss yourself during this waiting time. Also, it will impress the doctor if you lost some weight on your own. Pick one weight loss goal and work toward it. Even 10 lbs would be a great start. Focus on a stradgedy to loose that 10lbs,  create interesting menu's, cook up some food and freeze it so you will have prepared meals, write everything down including your feelings. This will keep you focused and motivated until that wonderful day when the dr.'s office calls.  Hoping any of this advice helps. I had my information session on Feb 17 for the Halifax Weight Loss Clinic and they sent us away with a binder of information and instructions to loose 10lbs before our next meeting and also we have to create menus and such. So this is keeping my mind occupied for the moment. I also find this forum keeps my mind on the strait and narrow.  My imput only, Good Luck and best regards, Sugarbear

Hi angela, I feel for you.  I know how it feels to think you will never get there.  I think I mentioned this to you before, but something to consider.  If there is any way possible for you to do it, you should consider self pay.  You get in much quicker.  When you feel the way you do, its a better option than thinking you are going to die.  If you don't have the money, sometimes you can borrow/get a loan to cover the cost.  It's tax deductible on income tax too. so you would get some back.  I know it sucks when you live in a province that will pay for it eventually, but if you can't wait that long you really should consider the self pay option.  You should never say you can't afford it, because your life is much to valuable to waste, waiting for the other way to come around.  Unfortunately I didn't have a choice, I had to go self-pay cause I live in NS.  I truly think this is what got me to the top of the list so quickly, in addition to all my co morbidities (the list is long).  You really really need to give this some thought.  If you want to talk send me a PM and I'll give you my phone number and we can chat.  hang in there.  We are all praying for you.

Take care, Patsy

Thank you everyone for your kind words....I'm taking it all to heart.  I know I have to live in the now and do something, even a little bit to help myself.  Some days are so damn hard when you are fighting the depression demons but I havnt given up yet.  thank you again

Hi Angela,
You are doing the right thing by seeing a counselor. If this one isn't the right fit or doesn't understand weight issues, find someone else.  Not all counselors are created equal & even excellent counselors are a good fit with everyone. 

As for participating here, don't feel you have to have great and wonderful things to say. I (& I think everyone) else appreciates all replies to my posts.  I like to chat about other things on the site too.

I know it can be a long wait for surgery, but you can do other things in the mean time to make sure that your health doesn't deteriorate while you wait.  The things you do for your health are also good for your mental health as a bonus. If  you can exercise- do it. It doesn't matter what you do as long as you do what you can. Besides the health benefits, you will be proving to yourself that you are worth the effort.  I know a few things about depression, both from a professional point of view and having lived with it off an on for most of my adult life. Depression is anger turned inward at oneself.  Depression is self-centered in that you blame yourself for everything, even things that you couldn't be responsible for. Depression thrives on poor self esteem.  Depression makes you your own worst enemy- here I am talking about the negative self talk and messages you are giving yourself. Within this description of depression lies the anti-dose. First figure out why you are angry. It won't be just your weight. It isn't likely to be just one thing. It may be about your  childhood, or your current situation and/or things in between. A counselor can help you figure out why you are angry and help you forgive yourself or others, if appropriate, or in some way release the power these people or events have on you and your life.  Your worse enemy (you) is telling you lies all the time. Silence the self talk, when you are saying negative things to yourself, literally tell; the inner voice to shut up, to stop, to go away. If you are alone, even do it out loud. If the same negative message is playing over and over, sit down and take a piece of paper and open, divide the paper into 2- one side true and one side false. Now write down the proof that the message is true and proof that the message is not true. If you are a good CSI, I am willing to bet that most of the proof is on the not true or false side. I also want you to give yourself positive affirmations. There are lots of ways to do this. You can write a positive message (even if you don't believe it) on your mirror and read it even morning and before bed everyday. You could look yourself in the eye (in a mirror) and tell yourself that you are a wonderful, worthy person. Finally, you may be a wonderful worthy person, but no one, not even you, is responsible for all that's wrong with the world, even your own piece of the world.

You need to use the time waiting for surgery getting yourself mentally and physically ready for surgery and life after surgery. Your surgery is not a magic wand that will make you a happy person. That comes from within, and begins with learning to love yourself.

As wonderful as you and others may think wls is ,in my case it does produce a certain amount of depression in itself. I had rny a little over a month ago and I don't just think it is because I am having problems with it but I feel depressed and sad.

I have lost my life long best friend, food. All of my life I have depended on food to make me feel better, to help me celebrate all the good things and to console me in all of the bad trhings in my life. Food had never let me down, ever.  Now it is gone forever. Yes, I suppose I will lose weight but the loss of a friend is bigger than losing weight feels. Right now anyway.
 
Remember I am still having a hard time eating even the smallest thing. I may and I hope to feel differently once I am able to eat normally. I have completely lost eggs, coffee, jam, cheeze whiz, cheese, cottage cheese, most juice, cereal,,peppers, mushrooms,,deli meats, crystal lite, pea soup, spinach, beans, bread and pasta. That's all I've tried and can't eat so far. There may be a whole lot more I will lose that I haven't tried yet.  I hope to regain some of these things.

If you are suffering depression now, you need to get it under control before surgery because surgery has a good chance of making depression a lot worse. When I was at the info session, we were offered to come back and talk to the psychologist at the clinic. If Moncton weren't so far away, I think I'd take advantage of her service.
 
I am hoping to feel better in the coming months and learn to be content with this life change, and the losses and the gain of my life back.

Angela

As so many on here, I can truly relate to your feelings and your frustration.

A therapist suggested to me way back when to journal my feelings..... I had a lot of anger I was carting around and needed to get it out ..... but being a people pleaser I just ate my way thru the frustrations and disappointments!

You dont have to be a great author to journal - when you start out maybe it will be point form - not even complete sentences...... I flip all over the place sometimes I write in point form listing all that is bothering me or making me sad or angry - whatever the emotion.... other times I will write pages and pages about a subject...... no one ever has to see it - but there is some very healing about getting it out.... Thats why I was overweight I stuffed those feelings when something was wrong I turned to the best friend that was always there for me .... that never did me wrong...... but I have now learned food wasnt my friend.... I was sick and had so many co-morbidities and was so unhappy.... how could I ever have thought it was my best friend.

Now I look at food as fuel to make my body work - it cant give me comfort or help me thru a tough time or be there when I need it to be there- I have to be my bestfriend and look out for me ...... I need to learn to put me first and although like many mothers I then think negative and go well you cant be first you have a child and husband and ailing parents...... but until I put me first and look after me all the other things will not get proper attention.I have to learn to look after me as well as I do my family and friends..... one thing I am doing lately is when I do that negative thinking - I stop and say what would you say to your best friend..... how would you make them feel better....... it seems weird to try to rationalize that out but I would never dream of telling anyone the negative horrible things I tell myself over and over- low self esteem is a constant battle and I am working on it.

I did have to find a way to juggle our finances and self pay - like Patsy coming from NS I had no choice with my health.......the NS clinic was just starting and they told me it could be anywhere from 5-7 years as the list had been waiting for a dr to replace the old one for years.  I knew I was the walking time bomb and I was running out of options. So cashing in RRSP's was my route - I know not everyone can do this but I have talked to a lot of people who have self paid and they found a way........ something to think about.

One of the worst episodes of depression for me was my first 4-5 months post op - I truly thought I was losing my mind.... your hormones run rampant and you probably have read our hormones are stored in our fat cells so if you lose rapidly and if you are already peri- menopausal like I am wow it was a rough ride.... that coupled with my other complications post op and I thought ok great got this surgery but I am still not gonna live.

I am the first to admit that my head has not caught up with my body.... even though I have sought some therapy like Charline mentioned you need the right fit and so far no one is experienced with weight issues let alone weight loss surgery - so I trudge ahead and rely on friends and family and support groups to get thru this but it has been a rough time.

Surgery is not a magic fix and although I now can say oh yes I am glad that I had it - I had buyers remorse for a long time post op- the holy **** what have I done to myself kept running thru my mind each and every minute of the day... now 9 months post op RNY I am finally able to breathe and say ok I am gonna make it thru this and come out the other end ok.

Take this time to work on you - to make yourself healthier - try to get to the bottom of some issues now before surgery so you can be more prepared for the roller coaster of post op.

You are onto something with your lack of REM sleep - you need to address your sleep problems without restorative sleep all of your health is affected and it will definitely make any depression worse.

You are in my prayers and please know that all of us are here for you anytime dont be a lurker or hang back- be proactive - there are so many forums on OH and other sites as well for support- take advantage of them.

Hugs

deb