To tell or not to tell my children.

This thorny subject is coming to the forefront with me again.
Yesterday I was at the pay phone at the Dumont and the man next to me was obviously telling someone about his wife who just has WLS. From his half of the conversation neither he or the person he was talking to are supportive of his wife's decision. This made me glad that i have limited the number of people  who are in the "know" about my surgery. On the other hand, I am reconsidering telling my children. What do you ladies think? Should I call them the night before and tell them? Should I e-mail them the day after, with an admonishment to be supportive or else? Should I stick to my original plan to say nothing until I have lost weight and an doing well with it? I already know that my 2 oldest don't support WLS in general. I doubt that number 3 supports the idea. My baby would be supportive even if she does not agree. Then again I did tell child number 2 that I was on a wait list for WLS (because I figured she would understand because she battles her weight too).  I did ask her to keep it to herself; so the other 3 may already know my plans, even if they don't know when.

Charline that is a tough one.  Only you know your children well enough to make that decision but I can tell you this.  I thought my youngest would not be supportive and I thought my oldest would be indifferent.  At first I was not going to tell them but then it crossed my mind - what if something terrible happens and I don't wake up - now I know that is the last thing you or any of the waiters need to read but I have to be honest - it crossed my mind more than once and I struggled to make the decision about the surgery and about telling them.  So here I was so conflicted and then I started doing all that stinky thinking and then what.

So I told my husband how I was feeling and he felt I should tell the kids.  He said whether they are supportive or not  - wouldn't you want to know if they were doing something like this or if they had a health issue and did not share it in hopes of sparing you the worry?  Well he was right there. 

So I told both my sons, ages 22 and 33 at the time, the same way but at different times.  I said I have made a decision, a life decision and I want to share it with you.  Firstly I want to say that nothing you can say or do will change my mind and I also want to say that I love you and support you and have done for your entire life.  So as my adult child I hope that you will be supportive of my decision even if you don't agree with it.  I am having bariatric surgery to install an adjustable gastric band to help me lose this weight once and for all.  

The reaction?  - son the younger - cool you know I hear that it is a very successful procedure.  I was wondering why you hadn't considered it yet.    Son the elder - he cried and told me he loved me and said that whatever I decided to do he would support me.

Now what would I have done if one or both of them had put up objections?  Well I had planned to say thank you for your concern and your opinions.  I appreciate it and I will consider your position on this but as I said, this is my intention and I will do it because I have done my research and with the support of my family doctor and your father, I am going to have this procedure. 

If it were to escalate, if their objection were to be loud and opinionated well I would just reiterate.  You are my grown child.  I love you and I support your life decisions often when I don't agree with you.  I was and am expecting the same in return from you.

I had it all planned for whatever they might have said or done.  I played senarios out in my head for weeks before telling them.  I was lucky, they came down on my side of the issue.  Had they not, I knew my husband supported me and that was really all that mattered because he has to live with me - the kids live with their wives.  My youngest son and his Common Law wife have just had a baby girl together.  I did not think it was the right time for them and I told them but I also told them I would support them in their decision to do this.  My oldest son is  making some serious life and career choices.  I might not necessarily agree but he know I will be there for him whatever he decides.  I knew if I approached the matter in this way that they would see that I was just telling them to keep them informed but that I was not going to change my mind. 

All that being said, if you tell one you better tell em all because you would not want to start a family war over who knew and who didn't. 

There I have basically brought you back to where you were, wondering what to do. 

Its a tough decision, as tough as deciding to have the surgery.  But I know you will make the decision that is right for you and for your family.

Good luck,
Ann

Because there is just my two sons and me in this province and I have no other family here, I did tell my sons. One is 28 and the other is 29. They didn't really say anything. The youngest went online and researched it.
 
I told them because if anything were to happen to me they should have known up front. That and I will need a drive to and from the hospital.
 
Nobody else knows. Not my family, not my best friend, nobody. I will tell my family that I am going in for gallbladder surgery in case they see my scars this summer. That way they will know I'm going in for surgery in case I don't make it out. You never know. I've seen a lot in my years of nursing.

I am doing this for me, for my health primarily. Secondary for my sons. My decision, my risk, my life.

I think we all face this decision Charline and it , like the decision to have wls, is a very personal one. I wish you well with whichever you decide to do. I'm sure you will do the right thing for you. :)

Thanks for the food for thought. there is only one child I am concerned about- child number three- the middle girl. She is the most difficult to deal with and the most opinionated. In our family everyone but my son has said at some point- don't tell Lisa! She athletic, slim, eats to live, is an excellent, healthy cook....do you hate her yet? ....and can not see any reason for me to be overweight, except that I make bad choices.  I don't want to deal with her negativity. She may surprise me, but I doubt it.  I am considering telling them that I am having hernia surgery, which is probably true, but the spirit is a lie. I have always strove to be truthful with my children. Honesty is very important to me. Then there is the baby, who lives with us. She will be hurt if I don't tell her something.

I see where you are coming from. I only told my boys after I had the consult  with Dr. B.

When I expressed to them that I was unsure wheather to tell them or not, I think they were peeved at me. My youngest son, the most outspoken,  said "Geese Mom, how would you feel if one of us were going to have an operation and didn't tell you?". Point taken. I guess he was right.

No my sons wouldn't be negative because they both know I would have given this a lot of thought and wouldn't go blindly into anything this serious.

Hi Charlene,

I told my kids everything from the get go. As Rachel would be able to confirm, I am a very upfront, shoot straight the hip kinda gal. Since my kids are younger, 9,11,13, I felt they needed to be part of this journey as well.

My second was apprenhensive; when I asked her why, she said she didn't want me to die. I told her I had no intentions of dying & she would be stuck with for a few years yet! That all were very supportive  helpful throughout the process.

I did choose to not tell too many other people though. The decision is your's to make for yourself and no one has the right to judge you. Not everyone will be happy for you, but there is no way to please everyone. At some point, you just agree to disagree.

I just tell people that everyone has their path in life and we cannot be expected to follow the same one. You have chosen your path, now set your course and walk with your head held high. This way when you do come across the naysayers, you can keep on walking without falling on the wayside.

Jeannette

Charline

I am sure it is a very difficult decision when it comes to adult children....

I think I have told you before about my decision to not tell my 12 year old daughter - I wont go thru all my reasons and my husbands for not telling her but I am happy with my decision - this is my issue not her's and I dont want to impose any poor body image on her-she is perfectly healthy and a great weight and has good eating habits - at only 12 we have already experienced 2 girls in her grade who have are having treatment at the IWK for eating disorders.... 

Because of not telling my daughter I have only told a few select friends and family as I dont want people mentioning it in front of her - even now she would worry something would happen and I would die- she's a worrier.

It is so personal and you know your children best whether they are adults or not - make a decision with your husband and stick with what you both decide - you will have so much to focus on  - dont let negative energy steer you off track.

Good luck with whatever you decide..... all will be ok

hugs
deb

I don't know, maybe the difference is being a single parent. I raised my sons alone since they were 6 and 7 years old. They expect me to be honest just as I have always expected them to be open and honest with me. I see jet is a single parent as well. Maybe it makes a difference. I don't know. Married people do have a backup, a husband. Single parents don't have that back up system. Don't get me wrong I have many friends and the boys father is still in the picture but the primarily I am still the main parent.

I'm not sayiny tell or don't tell. It is still very much a personal decision and you do know your kids better and anyone. What ever you decide will be the right one for you. That is the key. The right  one  for you.

I have no idea, because I have no children...just dogs...I told the dogs and they just looked at me with their head tilted to the side in an ever so cute fashion...

"why would mommy want to eat less?  I don't get it?"

Besides children and dogs, I decided only to tell those who would be supportive of my goal.  I DID tell my immediately family i.e. father, sister and brother, husband, mother-in-law and a few very close friends. 

I would probably tell my children if I had some and I would like to think I could handle the discussion exactly the way Ann described it.

I think they would want to know.

but again, it's up to you !!!  Patsy

I have decided to tell them via e-mail. That way they can all "hear" it at once and can consider what I have to say before talking to me. Yes it is the chicken's way out too. I will tell them why I have kept it to myself and what I need from them. I don't think I would tell them if Sarah didn't live at home, but it will be obvious that I have had surgery when i come home and i will not be in any shape to deal with them then. I am thinking I will left them know on Sunday- surgery is Tuesday.