I lied... (pouring my heart out)

well I did and didn't.   I'm trying to be the strong one and be a diplomat to everyone and say that I'm patiently waiting for that call and stuff like that... but the truth is, IT CAN'T BE SOON ENOUGH!!!! 

We went to Halifax yesterday and had fun, but I'm so much more conscient of everything now more than ever.  We went by bus...  HELLO??!?!?!??!!  Are bus seats size 2?????  Thank God I was sitting with Mike.  On the positive side, we got to cuddle to say the least!!!!  If it would've been a stranger, guess what?  I would've been totally embarrased.  Mike and I looked at each other with "that look'"    You know, the one that you don't have to say anything but you know exactly what he's thinking... and it's so intense that you are speachless!   The operation was confirmed positive, if we doubt before.

I realized how totally out of shape I am.  What happened???  Why did I let myself get to this point???  My whole body is aching today just by walking around, shopping (mind you the hills were tough to handle)

Also, we haven't been perfect with our food.   I read your stories, you're flat rootbeer, your no potato, no white bread and all while I was eating some chips. (ok, please don't judge me, I'm a good person, I promise)   I really feel like I'm starting my greiving process...  I'm in the stage where I know it's going to happen but I'm panicking.  I know I want it, and I know it's right and that I'm ready but I'm still having a hard time to let go...

Dr. S didn't mention anything about losing weight- I'm waiting for my call to see the nutrionist- it's the holidays, parties... family... friends...  I feel like I did the step to get the surgery but I'm so mad at myself that I didn't really change my lifestyle... YET.    Am I scared?  Am I really ready?  Am I out of control???????

You guys all sound like you're doing so great and I feel a bit like a failure right now...  however, the positive thing is that our trip made us both reflect on the reality.   Surgery or not, we are tired, aching and out of shape.   We got to talk, deep talk and promised ourselves to respect each other more... Our journey has started but we need to kick it up a notch and make our own adjustements (no pun intended!!!)

Are we normal???   anyone else feeling the same way???

We have all been there....and even after surgery we visit often.  The difference is with the surgery, we have to tools to help us, so we regonize we were "slumming" and just move on.

And as for being embarassed with the seats....I hear ya!  I fly alot...so the people beside me are paying alot for a seat that I am so aware I am infringing on.  All I can say is it was a happy day when I was able to sit entirely on my side of the line :)  and if I see someone really big, sometimes I wish they were going to sit beside me...so I can smile and make them feel comfortable instead of the frown that I used to get.

What I said to Tamera yesterday....and see how it works for you...but after I was sure that I would have surgery....I found all of these things like the seats, or being too big for medical equipement...a lots less painful as I had an answer....and I knew it was definately going o change by say next year that time.  For me...that made things alot better.

So...we all have your t-shirt...and the good news..it comes is smaller sizes!

Take Care,
Catherine

Thank you so much Catherine.

I already bought the shirt size medium as a goal so we're on the right track!!!

It's a blessing to be able to come to a place like this that you can be true and people get what you're saying!!!!  

Did you read my post? The one about stuffing my face Friday night.  One of my problems with eating right/healthy is I expect perfection. NO ONE is perfect. When I eat something I shouldn't, I beat myself up; I usually give up at that point, and dive in with both hands stuffing it in because I blew it. Again, no one is perfect. No one here is perfect either. It is a blessing to come here and be imperfect and be honest, like most of aren't when it comes to our eating, and be accepted, encouaged and know that our pals have all been there done that.

I know what you are saying. I am having a very hard time to get myself on track. I really would like to take a little weight off before the surgery. I would like to walk and strenghten my lungs. Saying and wanting to do this is so much easier then doing it. I guess if I could do it I wouldn't be in the place I am now needing surgery.

As for the seat thing. I end up staying home when I am asked to go places where I am afraid of fitting in the seat. I have not been to a movie in years. I can't wait for this surgery please please please time go faster!!!!!