Random thoughts

Well, forgive me if I get way to winded in this post. I can not sleep tonight, and just have so much going on in my head. First, I miss my dad As some of you know, I moved to PA to take care of him, he had terminal melanoma. He passed away in February. I have a brother and sister up in PA, and they have not been there much for my mom. I feel so bad for her... She is taking care of my grandmother who had dementia. It is getting worse. She is going to come down and stay a few months with me soon, but she is working on painteing her house and trying to make some repairs... plaus she is not ready to leave yet, and face going home to an empty house. I miss hearing my dad in the back ground when I call. Mom would tell him "Connie is on the phone," and he would say, " Connie Who?" He'd laugh and get on the phone, I would say, "Hey pop," and he'd go, "I'll pop you one." He was such an awesome man, and proved that anyone can change the direction of their lives. My niece lived with me for about 2 years. She moved in with me when she was 16. My brother and his wife (the mom) kicked her out cause she was into some bad stuff (sex, weed). She thrived while she was here. She had failed 9th grade 2 times when she was home, and had a's and b's down here. Last year she was dx'd with Pulmonary embolism at 17. She could have died. She has a clotting disorder. Well, she missed home. When my dad got sick, we went home for a visit. All hell broke loose just about. Her mom wanted her home. She didn't care about school or health insurance... so when she turned 18, she went home... She quit school , and has no insurance They took her to the ER cause she was having symptoms, and now she has a 15,000 dollar bill - her parents say "she's 18, it is her responsibility" even though HER MOM is the one that pushed for her to come home. I begged the mom to make sure she had insurance coverage for Leeah. Hmm We are fighting insurance for my house repairs. We are repairing it finally, should be done in a month or 2 at the most... I just want insurance to pay up and be done I am worried about this surgery. Mom said she had NO qualms AT ALL!!!! I do, not about the lifestyle changes, but about the risks.. I am scared to death of surgery anyhow. I cried when I had to have my gall bladder out, I thought for sure I was going to die. I have to get this done though, cause I want to LIVE life... but is it worth risking the very life I live right now? Sometimes I say yes, others I just don't know. I think about hubby and mom... Maybe I will feel at ease when I meet with the doc at the seminar. I haven't been in church. I know that is why I am feeling so blue... I smoke a cig every now and again to calm down Mom and hubby hate that... although it is less than one a day. I started when I found out my dad had terminal cancer.. it was just so much to handle. Wow, I have pretty much told my life history here... sheesh. Anyhoo. thanks for reading my rambling. Hopefully I can sleep soon Tomorrow is a busy day of putting up drywall!! Hugs, Connie

Hi Michelle, thank you so much for your kind words and prayers. Last night I was just thinking to much maybe...lol. I feel alot better today. We were busy all day putting up drywall, it is all up... YEA!!! Now we have to fini**** Then I can redo my kitchen, then flooring, then furniture... WOOOWHOO!!!! I am hoping to go to church tomorrow. I just feel better when I have fellowship with others... There is something about priase and worship also... God and I are working it out. I think I blamed him for alot... I found out so much at one time, My dad was sick, Leeah had made some bad decisions, I had to quit my job to go home, then the hurricane hit and messed up my house... this all happened within 2 weeks of each other. Instead of praising God for the rainy season, I blamed him and pulled away. I feel guilty and horrible, but I will make my way back to him. I know when I finally get back to where I was I will feel so much better. Yes, I am on zoloft. I really don't feel much different with it, but will continue to stay on it for awhile. Actually, I guess I am a tad less anxious on it. Thanks again for your kind and wise words! God Bless. COnnie

Connie: Please remember that a church is a building and that God is everywhere at all times -- in our hearts and in our minds -- in each other and with us always. I don't personally believe that one has to physically get up and go to a building to ask God to be with one in their time of need. Please don't let that keep you from seeking comfort on whatever manner you need. Also, please do give up the smoking for healthy reasons. Tobacco use is not a moral issue - it is a health issue. It will prevent you from getting the full amount of oxygen you need during surgery and it will slow your healing. There are better ways to cope with stress. I took meditation CDs with me into the hospital with my CD player. I took a lavender scented eye pillow and I would get my Mom to put the eye pillow over my eyes and turn on my meditation CD and I would float off into a serene world of relaxation and calm. It really works. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Beth

Hi Beth, thanks so much for writing and for the thoughts and prayers. I really appreciate it. I know what you mean about God being with me here... It is just sometimes, I feel his presence more when I seek him. I seek him alot, but there is something about singing his praises along with fellow believers. I can feel his presence surround me. But be assured, I do feel his presence at home to I do plan to quit smoking. It has been on and off for the last 10 months. I'll go a month with none, go a week with one a day, then very, very rarely smoke 2 in a day. I have one left in this pack, and I am going to try very hard to make it my last one. I have been lucky. I can quit just like that. I have smoked for a few months here and there... maybe once every couple of years... I just want a cig, I get one, then I am done. I do not want to continue though. I want to have this surgery to better my health, and I don't want to pick up something unhealthy in turn. I do feel better today. I figured I would. Sometimes things just hit me all at once with my dad and stuff. Sometimes him being gone seems surreal, and I have "oh my gosh" moments. Thanks again for caring! Hugs, Connie

Hey Connie, I have not been on the board in awhile. I haven't had a chance to meet you. Just wanted to say, "Hello." I will be praying for you to have peace about your surgery decisions. Sonya

Hi Sonya, thank you for your prayers! You look GREAT!!! May I ask why you had your surgery in columbia? Hugs, Connie

Hey Connie, My insurance would not pay anything. I searched for eighteen months to find a doctor that had no surgery complications. Dr. Valencia had completed over two hundred surgeries without any leaks or complications. The hospitals were really advanced. And....it only cost me $200..00 a month which was within my buget. It would have been nice to have surgery locally but I just couldn't. Sonya

Boy, life hits us hard sometimes, doesn't it? There was a time in my life years ago when everything seemed to go crazy and I pulled away from God too. But I found my way back. That is the good thing about God. He never leaves us even when we leave him. He is always there waiting for us to make our way back. You will get through all of this, and he will help you. Hang in there. We are here if you need us. Melissa

Hi Melissa, Yes, that is a very good thing about God. I have gone through some things earlier in my life where I kinda blamed him then also, but then I realized he knows what is best... This time I am slow to get comfortable again... Satan is really hindering me, and for some reason I am allowing it. I guess if I have someone to blame, I don't have to face things as a reality kinda?? I dunno. I do love God, and I know he loves me. I am finding my way back! Thanks. Hugs, Connie

Connie, You hang in there and stay strong. Usually in the time of weakness that is when we discover how strong we acutally are!!! You have been an encourager to me and I appreciate your efforts to help me... you will be in my prayers! Wanda Mack