Asking for advice--lack husband's support

Okay, I don't post often because it's usually every 3 or 4 days that I get to check the board...but I'm faced with a heartbreaking dilemma and I want your advice... For anyone who's chatted with me before--my story is simple yet complicated. I was banded in June 2001 with the nonadjustable band and lost 160 pounds. Life was so good. I went from 300 pounds to 140. Size 26 to a size 8/10. Then I got pregnant and my trouble began. I had hyperemesis--threw up all the time due to pregnancy and ended up twisting my stomach beneath the band. November 2002 I had the band removed and within a year had gained back most of my weight. June 2004 I went and met with a surgeon who said I probably couldn't get the band back due to stomach damage, but was a candidate for roux-en-y. My family wasn't supportive at that time, so I put it off. This is also complicated by the fact that insurance woulnd't pay for my inital surgery (or the reversal since that was a complication of the original surgery) (FYI, BCBS of MS). So I was out approximately $40,000. By 2005, I'd decided I was going to go through with the surgery, but I started a new job before my scheduled date--so again I put everything on hold again. Well, I rescheduled another consultation for this past week. The surgery isn't covered by my insurance (again), but the timing is great for work and I have support from co-workers and family. I am back to 295 lbs and a size 26. I KNOW I need to have this done. I'm 30, significant family history of stroke and blood pressure and diabetes problems. Well, we get home from my appt--I'm all excited and ready to go... and my husband walks in the kitchen, teary--asking me to please not do it. He's a very intelligent guy, but very into numbers. He read a statistic somewhere that 1 in 50 people die in the first 30 days post-op roux-en-y. He also forwarded me several things he found online...and I cannot seem to sway him. He's determined that I can do this on my own without surgery. I've cried so much my head hurts. I want and need to do this...but I don't want to do it without his support.. For some reason my rationalization and statistics aren't helping. He's set. I have until 2/13 to decide and schedule for the 28th of feb. that's the date that works out well with my job for me to be out. I need help. any suggestions?

I will pray for you to see more clearly what you are supposed to do. I can not tell you what to do but I can pray. Sonya

Mary, I'm so sorry. This is a tough decision for you. I'm not sure where those statistics are that your hubby found, but I don't believe they are truthful. I know there was a study done that erred on the side of caution with this surgery, but it was a study with older patients. Some people read it wrong and announced that we would basically all be dead within a year! It was maddening! Could you ask your hubby to come with you to the surgeon and allow him to have an honest conversation with the doc? Our support group at CMMC meets on the 14th. It would also be a good place for him to ask questions and see so many of us happy and healthy on the losing side. Even if our group is not the group you are planning on using, you are more than welcome to come. Feel free to email me if you'd like more info. Hang in there hon.... Pray... and know that we will be here for you regardless. HUGS Kimberly

Mary - Ask him to have an open mind and take him to as many support groups / dr visits / and OH get-togethers you can. My husband was the same way, he just did not want me to have this surgery, then on top of that my doctor told him that she really didn't think this surgery was the best thing for me. Now granted she was the one that originally told me I should have it done, but then a couple of months later he had to go see her, she had changed her mind and told him to try to talk me out of having the surgery. But thankfully after being around the guys from this site, he said he knows I have plenty of support to help get thru the surgery. He is fine with the idea now and said he will support me 100%. It just took him being around people that have had the surgery and also talking with their spouses to help pull him over to my side. Best wishes, Marci

Hi Mary, The decision to have this surgery is a huge one with so many factors invloved. It sounds like your husband loves you very much and is afraid of losing you in surgery. I wouldn't rush to have this surgery in February if you have ANY doubts. It is such a major life change for you AND for him, you both need to be as ready for it as possible! I agree with the others that going to support groups and meeting "real, live people" who have experienced WLS would help you both decide. You will hear wonderful success stories but dig deep for the stories not told or experiences WLSers are not quick to share. Know the good, but know the bad too. Then, make an informed rational decision not based on desperate emotions we all felt when we were at our heaviest. Make a decison you can keep firmly in your heart when the times get tough so you know you did the right thing! My heart goes out to you Mary and everyone making these decisions because I've been there. The risks are real and the consequences of such an invasive procedure such as RNY are life long. I would never tell a person to have this surgery because it is a harder and longer struggle than you will ever believe as a pre-op. This road is not an easy one. That said, I believe it is the best thing I ever did for myself. I could not have lost 130lbs without it. I would do it again. My prayers are with you and your hubby, Elesha LapRNY 2/26/02 almost 4 yrs now

I would definantly take him to a support group meeting and just let him listen to the fabulous succes stories that are being told. Yes some people have problems but most don't. I will keep you in my prayers adn that all things will work out for the best in Gods eyes. Steph

Thanks for all your prayers and words of support. Please don't think that I'm rushing into this at all. I did my research starting 6 years ago. I had the band done as a less invasive procedure (because I had issues getting my husband's support then, too). I lived the life for 2 years of eating very tiny portions (I maintained 165 pounds on 600 calories a day while i was pregnant)....I know how hard it is...and that this isn't an easy road. I've been there. But let me say that being back on the heavy side after tasting the life as a healthier person, this side is even more miserable than before. And I know that if I couldn't keep it off within just a couple year period of time, that there's no way I'm going to lose it without surgical intervention. I've tried to get my husband to go to support meetings...but he is NOT a people-person and refuses to be a part of it...even for the reasons that I need to go. So this journey is so much my own personal one---but I'm superstitous enough that I don't want to do it when he's asking me not to. I know he's scared of losing me. But I already feel dead. I have no energy, my blood pressure is high...I can't breathe well, my legs hurt...and on and on. I'm so willing to do this in hopes of a healthier life instead of smothering to death as I am right now. Anyway, thanks for being there. Though I haven't posted much--I've been on this board for years and really feel like I know some of you and I value all your opinions. mary

Take him to a support group meeting and tell him about it. The national death rate is 2%.....That is 2 out of 100 or 1 out of 50...and that is old stats so I don't even know if they are still reliable or not. YOU are the one that has to make the decision...it is your life or lack of that is the problem. Spouses can have a hard time with this. Jim just told me recently that he DID not want me to do this, but what he said was, "if that's what you want to do, we'll do it." If you need to call me or come to see us with your hubby, come on over! Jim is very much PRO surgery now!!! I will keep you in my prayers. Smoochies Arlies