Husband having 2nd thoughts...

Okay guys - I really need some help now. My hubby has decided he really does not want me to have this surgery. He has always had his doubts but now he is really trying hard to talk me out of this. Of course my doctor telling him that she didn't think this is what I should do did not help at all. Now, this is the same doctor that asked me over a year ago if I had ever looked into RNY surgery... I originally told her that I just could not do that because my Mother had it done years ago when this surgery first came out, and she had a terrible time and was sick constantly. After I left the doctors office I began to seriously think about this surgery and investigate all the pros and cons. I have since come to the realization that things have changed in the past 20 years and technology has come a long way. I know in my heart that this is the only way I will lose the weight I need to lose and keep it off. My doctor has even told me that I am a walking time bomb and I had to get the weight off! Husband had a check up today (of course I didn't go with him) and he comes back telling me that my Dr. has had a change of heart and does not think the surgery is a good idea. She would rather I try joining the Health Plex and going on the liquid diet they offer at the Health Plex. She told him that nobody knows what effect this surgery will have 10 years down the road. So now he is determined that I have not actually investigated this surgery, he thinks I have just seen all the pictures of people who have lost all that weight quickly and that is why I want to do it. He thinks that I should be able to set my mind to it on my own and adapt to the same eating habits as the surgery will provide and join a gym to get the same effects. I have told him time and time again that I have no will power and this surgery will provide me with no option but to change my eating habits. I have been overweight my entire life and have tried diet after diet, only to lose and gain it back plus more. He keeps saying that even with the surgery many people don't change their eating habits and they gain all their weight back. He is scared that I will not be able to handle the changes. I just can't seem to make him understand that is not so. I have a consultation with the surgeon February 6th, so that gives me one month to try to convince him this is what I have to do for me and I just don't know what I can say to him that I have not already said. Any ideas how I can change his mind and get his support for this surgery? Thanks for letting me rant on.... Marci

Marci It is so hard to get the men in our lives to understand what we are going through. The great thing about this web site is we can vent. I had a bad day with my boss and my hubby today. The only thing I can say is sit him down and tell him exactly how you feel bring him to the boards and let him read about the successes ... yes there are failures but they are few and far between. I cant get my hubby to sit down here and read I have printed things out and sat them next to his fave chair. in hopes that he will get it. I know this is the only option for me so I will do it with or without his support and I am hoping it is with because I honestly can say I love him very much! I just want to be able to enjoy the rest of my life with him and my kids hoping that this helps ..... Kim HUggggggggggs

Thanks for the advice, Kim. I have a huge binder that I keep with all kinds of info on this sugery, the pros and the cons. I have tried several times to get him to look at it, but he will not touch it. At first he was just worried about me dying, but now he is also worried that I might be worse off 10 years down the road - from some complication as a result of this surgery that nobody could have predicted at the time of surgery. I know this is the only option for me and I have to do this for myself! I just wish he would change his mind and be more approving of the surgery. He told me this morning that he is supportive, he is just really worried. I love him so much and I appreciate all the concern, but I know I have to do this! Thanks again, Marci

It is a very difficult decision, as well it should be. The family doctor I have now does not know much about the surgery at all, and probably would not recommend it either, BUT, she is NOT a bariatric doctor/surgeon and not qualified to be the decision maker. Your husband should definately go to the consultations with you, maybe a support group meeting? He is always welcome to go to the support board here, or the main board, and ask questions, give concerns, etc. Spouses are very welcome. I know he is worried, and to have a doctor advise him against your having WLS is understandably difficult for him (I'm personally a little angry at your doc). Information is probably the key for him as it was for you. So, get him lots and lots of information. "Just the facts ma'am" D.

I told him about the support group meeting at CMMC coming up next week, he told me if I can get more info on it such as time and directions, he would go with me. I think UMC also has meetings, but I don't know much about them either. I have never been to a support meeting, but if it will help us get thru this - I welcome the opportunity to go! I was very angry about my doctor telling him to talk to me about not having this surgery, especially since she was the one telling me I should think about it in the first place! It was just the break he needed to fully decide that this surgery was not right for me. Now I have to start over again trying to get him back on board the surgery train.... ha-ha! Thanks for the advice and support! Marci

Take him with you to the surgeon. Tell him you are still investigating (which isn't a lie! You may HATE the surgeon and run for your life for all we know right now...) Take him to support group meetings. If he can come to one of our bashes, I KNOW it would change his mind....NORTH MISSISSIPPI, IT'S YOUR TURN.....JUST TELL US WHERE AND WHEN!!!!!.... He is welcome to call me and ask anything he wants. You both are welcome to come over and talk to both JIm and I about it....even Em will recommend it!!! But what it boils now to is .....this is YOUR health and YOUR decision....Yes, as your spouse he does get imput, BUT if he vetoes it, he may be signing your death warrant - harsh, I know...BUT I had a 75% chance of dying before Em graduates from high school (she's now in 8th grade), but only a 4% (mine was higher than normal due to my size) of dying as a direct result of this surgery....What would you chose???? AND I told my dear sweet wonderful Doc that I was coming to him for a new life....It might be in Heaven, but it would STILL be a new skinny life!!!! Rant as much as you want to...If we can help, we will! Smoochies Arlies

I second what Arlies just said above! My husband was so nervous and worried when I finally, after 5 years of reading, corresponding with various people who had the surgery, and reading countless medical journals, decided to have this surgery. Don just did not believe that I really could lose the weight and that it would stay off. I changed surgeons once and went to a large very well equipt hospital, which probably saved my life. My surgery went well except that the staple gun misfired a staple, which nicked my lower stomach. I had to go back to surgery to fix the leak, and I was allergic to the swallow that they give you for xray, sick as a dog three times.....But, This is not the norm for most people. After I got things straight, my overly cautious doctor had me to keep my tubes for about a month to be sure, I got better and better. After about 3 months, my bones no longer were hurting. All the sudden, I could climb steps without pain. It took a long time to adjust my eating, not to eat too much at a meal and the foods sometimes tasted good and sometimes terrible, but little by little with good days and bad days, I got to feeling better and better. My husband was quietly standing by and watching this, and quietly worrying too. He smiles quite a lot when I tell him what I now weigh each morning. I bought a fancy digital scale and it is so accurate. He laughs when I tell him my pants are falling off and I had to buy new ones. And he can tell that I don't squeeze his side on the bus seat anymore, in fact, I don't even touch him. Seatbelts on the plane fit, without extensions, and I can walk long distances...... All positive things. I don't crave sweets anymore and can flatly turn folks down when they offer me something I can not eat. The dumping syndrome is not pleasant and I dont want to go through it. Your husband is afraid he will lose you. You may need a more understanding family doctor also, if you go through this surgery. I had two doctors commit to support me after surgery. My primary care doctor is delighted with my progress so far, the nurses in the clinic are thrilled for me too and all come to ask about how I feel. My blood pressure is the best ever. Dont give up, just keep working on it and come to us for support. This is a very big life changing decision. It does not mean that you will always feel great, at times my tummy is cranky and I cannot eat some things, but I have learned to be a bit picky about food. You make your decisions for yourself and remember that other people are not you and they cannot make decisions for you either. Hang in and ask us here on the board for support, we are here for you, regardless! Smiles, Cheryl

Thank you Cheryl - I can not afford to give up, this is my life, and it is up to me to make it better! What better way to go thru a life changing experience, than with the greatest people around to help guide and support me. You guys are wonderful and I greatly appreciate all of you! Thanks again, Marci

Don't worry, he will be at the consultation with the surgeon! I told him I want him to tell the doctor his concerns and maybe the doctor can explain things better than me. You are so sweet to offer to sit down with us and talk about your experiences, I appreciate that! I might have to take you up on that offer or beat him with a cast iron skillet! As for the bash, I will definately be at the next one, as will he... I told him that you have a fettish with bald heads and he had to go so you could shine his up for him! Thanks for always being so supportive and caring, you are precious to me! Marci

WOOHOO!!! Another MAN for my collection!!! Tell him I get to rub and kiss ALL bald heads!!! Just don't tell John (Missy Lissy's hUbby) that I will be steppin' out on him!!! I didn't know your Mom had such a hard time with this surgery, but I put it off for a long time because I had a friend back in the early 80s that had the surgery where they put a mesh thingie around your tummy so that it can't stretch, BUT they are supposed to take it out eventually. She wouldn't let them.....she died at the age of 43 in a nursing home in Texas AFTER all body functions slowly, slowly gave out. I vowed then I'd never do this!! But looking back, I realize that she (and I AM NOT SAYING THE SAME ABOUT YOUR MOMMA!!!!) did it to herself.....She came back to work eating BBQ corn chips....It would take her about a week to eat a big bag of them, but she nibbled them CONSTANTLY. She was so afraid that she'd gain the weight back that she REFUSED to follow thru and have the mesh taken out - even knowing she would die from malnutrition eventually. That is a very, very big price to pay. NOW that I have scared you and your hubby to death!!! The surgery now is far, far different that the old one.....Who would use staples that rust???? I think her Doc may have been an idiot from the get-go! Titanium staples (if they even use them in there now) don't rust....There are ALOT of scarey stories out there and bad things can happen....I have seen them happen, but there are far, far more great success stories.....YOU have to come to terms with the fatality factor of the surgery and the complications that may occur and PREPARE....my Momma always said if you are ready for the worst, it won't happen....Then acknowledge your hubby's fears, but tell him that you feel (if you do and I am pretty sure you do) that this is God's choice to help you out and you need his support.....He may NEVER approve of it, but chances are after surgery, he will think it was the greatest idea since sliced bread and may even decide it was HIS idea to begin with!!! Anywhos.....holler if you need Jim and I to talk with you....I got a handy-dandy Mag Lite (flashlight) for Christmas and if I need to I can bring it and raise a few lumps on that sweet bald head!!!!! Then I could kiss them and make them all better!!!!!! heh...heh...heh... Love you lots girl.....We will see you thru! Smoochies Arlies