Funny from Main Board
"I have a date" doesn't mean you are going out
You have baby food in the house but no baby
"I'm a looser" is a good thing
All of your silverware says Gerber
A wooden spoon isn't just for cooking anymore
"Welcome to the other side" does not mean you have to die
New clothes fall off in a week.
You are excited about "hand me downs"
The scale at Wal-Mart doesn't say, "One at a time please"
YOU have a NEW family!
Going bald and getting wrinkles is a good thing
Jus****er for me please
Hitting the "Century mark" is a good thing!
You love the taste of Chewable Centrum Rugrats or biting the head off Wilma
You can be Touched By An Angel and not be considered crazy
People start to call you tiny, and it's a good thing
When your rear doesn't look like a mudslide anymore??????
When you are excited your incision is only 6 inches (open)
When the word lap has nothing to do with a strip club
When it's usually Vikings vs Bears not lap vs open!
When " No, I couldn't eat another bite" really has a deeper meaning!
Other women start calling you Beyoutch behind your back
When they look at you resentfully in the plus size store because you really don't belong there anymore!
When it's okay to say, "I haven't a thing to wear!"
When you have to prove who you are on your driver's license!
When you start hogging camera space and loving the pictures!
Saying your open doesn't mean you are gay!
You are noticing people's eye color for the first time.
Life has new possibilities
You want to hug everyone who is obese and give them your surgeon's card
You are never without a bottle of water
When people look surprised when they see how little you eat.
When you know all too well the definition of "dumping".
When you can see your feet for the first time in years!
When you order a doggy bag at the same time you order your meal
Counting protein grams instead of calories
You can say, "Oh, I won't have any of that, I'm full." and really mean it.
Being too small for your britches.
When the only way your nipples are where they belong is to roll them up, position in your bra and secure with a ponytail holder!!!
And my best so far.......having my husband say, "Honey, I can put my arm(not arms) all the way around you!"
When you go to your child's school and the other kids say WOW you're mom is hot!
When you go to the mall and you park in the first open space instead of circling for 20 minutes for the spot by the door.
When you and your new best WLS friend are planning a date to get belly button rings....(or a tattoo!)
Your new best WLS friend makes sure your belly button piercing is a diamond-because she's worth it!
You go out on a date and are really truly a "Cheap date" and not in the way that some think
When one drink makes you a flipping floozy
When you run you don't hear flapping noises.........oh wait you still do.....but at least you are running!!!
When not throwing up counts as a really good day!
When your tummy looks like a stitched up teddy bear or Raggedy Ann!
When your husband takes your breath away in a moment of passion...but not because he is squishing your tummy!
You feel like you have over eaten after eating a half a cup of something.
Vitamins and calcium feel etc. feel like a meal.
When your pants suddenly fall to the ground.
You go from a size 56DDDD to a 32AAA and in one year and you did not have a breast reduction.
When the chef comes out of the kitchen and asks you, "What's the matter, don't you like the meal?"
You've just lost 100lbs and someone who hasn't seen you in a while says...."Gee, did you change your hairstyle?"
When you bend over and see the daylight through your thighs.
You can cross your legs....both of them!
When you say, " I just got these clothes last week and they're already too big!"
Trying to cash a check and the teller says, "That's not you!"
Instead of the "Wonder Bra" you need a "Wonder Where They Went Bra".
You walk into a store and see all the weight loss products and know you will never need to buy them again because now you have "THE TOOL."
When you walk by a mirror and say, "Who's that girl?"
When people take a double look at you.
When you go out for the evening and feel like Cinderella.
When you are on a plateau and it doesn't mean you are in Colorado.
When you're obsession turns from food to your scale.
When you say to your PCP," I want it right here, right now on the examination table" and you don't mean sex!
When they no longer have to call 911 and the jaws of life to extricate you from all the turnstiles at 6 flags.
When your boobs are no longer just big, but they're now also llllloooonnnggg.
When the Sharpei you pass on the street reminds you of someone you know-yourself!
When taking a splinter out of your own foot no longer involves rope with tweezers or a second party with tweezers.
When you start buying shoes that tie again.
When the army calls and asks if they can have all your old muumuus for tents.
When your hand will fit in the Pringles can again, but you don't want any.
When the thought of an all you can eat buffet makes you want to barf!
When the steering wheel in your car no longer cuts off the circulation in your tummy area.
You no longer have a mark on your shirt from the steering wheel rubbing on it.
When you drop food, it no longer lands on your boobs, but actually lands in your lap.
No more cracked toilet seats!
You can avoid the handicap stalls in public restrooms because you can now "fit" in a regular stall.
The thought of flying coach no longer sends you into a panic attack.
When you are able to tuck a blouse into your pants.
When you don't use the thongs to fry chicken.
When you are excited to be able to go to the thrift shops and get your dressy clothes.
When the flight attendant doesn't reach for the seatbelt extender and you can sit by the window.
When you can drive your car with the steering wheel down and you can bring the seat somewhat closer to the gas pedal, instead of using your tippy toes.
When people actually "see" you and talk to you, and not through you like you are invisible.
When you order a child's meal, and take half home in a doggie bag.
You can buy panty hose at the regular super market when in a hurry.
You actually want to wear a dress to go with the panty hose.
When checking for leaks does not mean looking at your panties!!!!!!
When your spandex shorts are used got JOGGING and no merely as an anti chaffing between the thighs shielding device!
When your exercise equipment isn't just for drying your fine washables anymore.
When you start dropping things on purpose, just because you know you can pick it up so easily now.
People who know you are concerned that you are working out too much.
Your mother says, "Dear, you aren't eating enough."
When you can honestly say, "I threw my back out from a combo of mountain climbing in the day time and too much sex in the night time on my romantic vacation with my new Swedish boyfriends, Sven", instead of "I threw my back out trying to wipe my own @$$."
When the term "Can't touch this" (Hammer time) doesn't apply to you anymore!
When they say, "put your trays up" on the plane and yours was actually down!
When someone gives you a hand and it's applause, not helping you out of your chair.
Nasty oozing rash=A KODAK MOMENT
You don't even NOTICE the shock of horror on everyone's face when you turn to your spouse in a public place and exclaim that you are about to DUMP.
You don't have to give guys that whistle at you the "finger" anymore because they actually think you are pretty.
Wooden spoon=post op pooper scooper!
When referring to your "ex" with utter contempt and disgust has nothing to do with a failed romance, but with an unsupportive, uncaring, ignorant PCP you dropped.
When your doctor looks you in the eye and says, " I know you will be a success at this."
When your hubby or significant other looks at you and says, "Hey baby, what's your phone number?"
When friends come over to visit....they KNOW that all you have is WATER in the fridge(when you use to be the coke queen!)
The guys that like you now as BBW start to frown as the weight comes off.
The kids wonder what happened to the cookies and the cake God....did he die?
When your child or grandchild wants to sit in your lap and they really can.
When having sex doesn't require having to slap the thighs and ride the wave in??
When your boyfriend/spouse starts to gain weight because of eating your leftovers.
When you can run up a flight of stairs and don't have to stand there for 10 minutes to catch your breath.
When you are laying flat on your back and realize that the bulges in your armpits are where your boobs have gone.
When you leave a piece of yourself where ever you go(hair).
When you have the biggest smile on your face of anyone in the room.
When you realize that you are the smallest girl in the office instead of the biggest one. YEE HAW!!!
You can't wait to wake up and start your day.
You are having sex and your husband complains of your hipbones poking him.
Your butt gets tired of sitting because you have no padding.
You can sit cross-legged on the floor and show everyone who will look.
You can wear corduroy pants without starting small fires behind you!
Your 1980's clothes you meant to grow back into just hang in your closet and look really stupid now, and you wouldn't touch them with a ten-foot pole!
Hiding the credit cards because Victoria's Secret is having a sale....and the bra makes you look like you have huge boobs... or at least boobs again!
When your 12 year old sons clothes actually fit you, and you get excited when he grow as out of them.
Looking at all the money saved from food, but buying shoes and becoming a shoe ****Imelda Marcos look out!
Having to go to the Misses section to buy undies...since the others are too big.
No longer wanting the "all you can eat shrimp fest" at Red Lobster.
Being able to Taebo without being winded...but Pilates kick your butt.
Running into old flames, and saying, "Do I know you?"
You look forward to flirting with the new cute phlebotomist at your doctor's office.
PCP is a referral source, not a drug.
Your clothes fall off in a public place and you scream for joy, not embarrassment!
You go out to eat and ask if anyone wants to split a kids meal with you.
You have clothes left at the alterations place for months, because every time you go in to try them on, they are still too big and have to be taken in again.
"Cheating," means eating three crackers.
You stop ordering combo meals because you are not allowed to have the soda.
You stop looking for minimizer bras, and start buying water bras!
When people you now but have not seen since before surgery DON'T know you!
When you wave and your upper arm waves back!
When you walk backwards no one feels the need to make beeping sounds.
When your daughter says, "Mommy, when I grow up I want to have long, hangy down, pointy boobies just like you."
You can breastfeed your kid in the next room without leaving your bed.
You have to safety pin your underwear on (size 14 panties on a size 6 butt).
You've ever eaten (and enjoyed) pureed tune with pureed pickles.
When you go to one of your husband's friends weddings and everyone (including the bride and groom) are trying to figure out where his wife is and who is that skinny woman with him.
Having your neighbor say, "Oh, that really is you." And realizing that she thought your husband had gotten a divorce and married someone thin!
Having your husband find your boobs in your armpits during sex ( kinda ruins the moment because you are laughing so hard!).
Having to get a new driver's license because you FINALLY weigh less than what you've lied about for years!
You turn on the morning show JUST to see Al Roker.
Before your surgery, it's all you can talk about...After your surgery; it's all everyone else can talk about!
People ask to see your scar(s) and you actually show them!!! (tell the truth, you'll show them before they ask!)
You are actually bold enough to admit your weight and even post it on the internet!
You can eat ¼ of a chicken breast and feel like you just finished Thanksgiving dinner.
You actually look forward to stepping on the scales!
You are not embarrassed of anything that you have in your buggy at the supermarket!
You have a wingspan larger than an airplane....LOL!
You can laugh and still see past your cheeks because they no longer close your eyes for you while you are chuckling!
Your co-workers are getting diet tips from you instead of vice versa!
You can actually fasten your seat belt in your car with ease.
When it doesn't take your breath away to roll over in bed.
You suddenly show your belly, scars stretch marks and panni to complete strangers in Wal-Mart(or any public place for that matter)!
When you are no longer embarrassed to tell people you weigh 200 pounds (and that you weighed over 300 pounds).
When you will tell complete strangers intimate details of your toileting experiences.
When you notice that your chin is lifted higher than anyone else's in the room-you have PRIDE and CONFIDENCE!
Being able to hang clothes in the closet without them falling off the hangar.
Looking for protein in everything.
Having your children take food because you are full and not the other way around.
Buffet is not a way of life.
Not afraid of the elevator weight limit.
On the see saw the other person doesn't have to go to space.
Cannot blame the cat for shedding.
Exercise is a good thing.
When after a night on the town with some support group friends you go out for breakfast, order 1 meal and split it 4 ways! And once you have finished eating, there still half of each quarter portion left on each plate!
When you are the one (instead of your husband) that blames that terrible odor on the dog!
When your pet needs gastric by pass because you feed it all your leftovers!
You leave Coscos or SAMS like you've left an all you can eat buffet (all those free samples!).
When food tastes the same coming up as it did going down and water is still cold coming up!
When you call Lane Bryant and Catherine's and ask them to take you off their list and cancel your credit card.
When you race to your scale for a quick fix instead of the fridge?
When you can stare down a warm fresh brownie with ice cream and chocolate syrup and not cry because you cannot eat it!
When the only "dessert" you want is some fun time with your significant other.
When Crystal Light is too sweet for your taste buds.
When you spend more time reading product labels for protein and carb content than you do reading any books.
When Tony Little, Richard Simmons, Billy Blanks or any other fitness guru says, "You can do it!" and you actually believe them.
When you spend a day in your room trying on clothes you shoved to the back of your closet/dresser.
When you buy a really cute top on sale because you know next summer you will be able to wear it.
When your belly doesn't touch your knees but instead your boobs do.
When researching plastic surgery for your TT, boobs, arms and thighs becomes a near Olympic event.
When you say, "OMG I LLLLOOOOVVVEEEE chocolate," and you are referring to a protein shake and not a box of Fanny Mae or Frango Mints!
When you tell people you have a surgery date and they are overjoyed!
You've got two black eyes at all times from the bat wing wave flopping up and smacking you in the face.
You buy three Lean Cuisines a week....and that is your total groceries.
You can actually put something into those thimble-sized containers that come with your plastic ware for your lunch box.
You walk past someone in the hallway at work and hear the "smack" only to turn and find them pasted up against the wall because they weren'****ching where they were walking....but looking at you.
You have to start putting your name in your underwear again because you get them mixed up with your kids.
Portion size isn't just a figment of your imagination.
At parent teacher conference you giggle watching your spouse struggle to get out of the little desk that you got out of no problem.
You need to get a new mattress because you keep getting stuck in the indent from your body in the past years and can't roll over.
People stop asking you to bring something to the pot-lucks because they know you will only bring a salad.
Your rings keep spinning around your fingers.
An appointment with your plastic surgeon becomes the highlight of the week.
Tammy 
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