Fears..(long rambles)

As I sit here and wait for insurance approval, I find myself going through all of the "why's" and "what if's". I am asking myself questions like, Why do I really want this...is it for myself, my health, my kids, my husband, my father's picture perfect daughter? etc... What if something happens - not death, but dramatic, like some of the stories I've read where people are hospitalized for months, never able to keep things down, ulcers, dialations? etc... How would something like that effect my family financially and emotionally? Could we handle that? I like to think that my family unit is so much stronger after experiencing the death of our infant daughter, but at the same time, as a family we've been extremely low. We know what it feels like to experience the unthinkable. We are no longer the innocent people who think "bad things only happen to other people". "Chance" is not something we take lightly anymore. I'm sure these are things that everyone has to come to terms with when making this decision, so any words of wisdom would be welcomed! As far as why I'm doing it, I think I'm doing it mainly for myself, but also for all of the other reasons too - even the "perfect daughter" thing. But I really believe that I am giving MYSELF the most emphasis - perhaps for the first time in my life. Maybe that's why it feels so strange! I just know that being overweight is a major obstacle for me, both physically and emotionally. I don't want to be this way anymore. Oh heck - who knows what I'm thinking! Boy, my psych evaluation should be interesting! Thanks for letting me get that off my chest! HUGS Kimberly

Kimberly, We have ALL been at the point that you are, scared, and wondering if this is really what we need to do. I'm still there, some of the time, as I am still waiting on my surgery. I didn't have insurance problems, so I don't know about waiting on that, but the waiting is hard. We want our surgery, and we want it yesterday! Hang in there, and get things off your chest anytime you want! There's always someone here to listen and cheer you up! Susan

Kimberly, I believe we all go through this stage in the process of getting approved. I remember the night I had to prepare for the surgery and my daughter saw how sick the meds were making me. She started sobbing and saying, "Mommy. please don't have the surgery. I love you fat." I cried so hard thinking how I was doing something that could jeopardize her losing her mother. But, I knew if I didn't do something then that I was going to die of a heart attack or have a stroke and not be there for her too. Your fears are normal. This is the time when you need to really weigh your feelings. Kimberly, I am so sorry that you lost a daughter. I know that must be devastating to you. You must be a really strong individual to have gone through something so terrible. I can't imagine what you went through. Just use your time to think about what you really want. You will eventually make peace with your decision. We are all here for you should you need to talk. Kitsy

Actually Kitsy - I'm pretty amazed by you myself! You've really been through it. YOU are the amazing one! HUGS Kimberly

Yes I had those same thoughts and still think of how I could be taking myself away from my family. My husband lost his 1st wife in a car accident along with the baby she was carrying. That was is 1991. That makes us so aware of loss too and I don't want him to ever suffer like that again. I have an 18 and 21 yr old I have raised also since '92 and I think about them ever losing me. I don't think I could bear losing Tommy but at the same time I don't want him to ever lose me. I have two other kids to think about too. Jill is 6 and Jeremy is 9. I love my family sooooo much and this is a selfish thing I feel like to a point, BUT, oh how they will get to enjoy me better and how active I can be. Your fears will work themselves out. It does get better. Your little mind is just working overtime right now. I am obsessing right now too because of an April 14 th surgery date. I have been working on this for 2 years and now it is here. Woo Wee. I am terrified but soooo ready. Sorry about the rambling. Jane

Kimberly your fears are very understandable. Everybody on this board have gone thru or is going thru what you are feeling. I myself is going thru it right now with you. I am also waiting on my Insurance approvable and then a date which neither seems to be comming fast enough. When we are busy doing the pre-op work it doesn't weigh on us so much because we are doing something but it's times like this when we are just waiting with nothing to that gets to us and make us go with worry. Soon we will be with fear because the time have come to get the surgery. It's like a catch 22, damn if you do and damn if you don't. My family is split about the surgery but mainly I look at my immediate family as in Husband and children because I feel they will lose the most. I didn't say suffer the most but physically lose the most. When I decided to leave home and become a wife and mother myself my extended family had a loss, but in a good way. Only in the sense of not being able to do some of the things I use to do. Suchas being there for Xmas, thanksgiving, or something simple like taking my mother to the doctor because I also moved away. You see each step in our lives gets a little harder but at the same time a little easier. Look at what my extended family get's to enjoy, a new son, grandchildren, vacations and a little more room in the house . I hope you see what I'm saying. We have to take the good with the bad and weigh our options and see where we come out. I will pray that god sends an to you right now to easy your journey,and give you peace of mind. Take Care

Yep, you are going thru the normal scarey part.....I had it too....It helped me (tho it was hard to do) to write letters to my children, dh and make a list of how I wanted my funeral. Then my youngest, 13, cried everytime I mentioned something about surgery and she would not talk about it. She was terrified. I sat her down and explained that chances ARE NOTHING WILL GO WRONG and if I hadn't had the surgery chances were I would not see her graduate from high school. The probablity of an excellent outcome is so high that if this were major heart surgery or brain surgery and it was the only way to save your life, at these odds, you'd jump for it....And a good attitude helps, so look at it from the good side. Yes, you have a 2% (as some statistics say) of dying, but you ALSO have a 98% chance of living WELL thru it!!! Hang in there!!! It is scarey, but it will be so good for you!!! Smoochies Arlies