ER Visits

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs -and I was in the wrong one. 2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient. 3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." 4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. 5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive." 6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." 7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn." AND FINALLY!!!................ 8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".

good ones Melissa..... Jan

Your surgery is Monday right??? where??? what time???? are you getting everything ready and packed??? Will be praying for you Jan

Jan Yes, My surgery is on Monday. I am working on the computer today doing things for family and friends. Then Saturday I am going to wash and pack whatever I think I might need while I am at the hospital. Hubby set a box down in front of me yesterday and told me this wasnt park of my birthday present. It was park of my re-birthday present. When I opend it up I had to lol I had a 96 count crayola crayons box, 2 color books, color wonder markers and 2 books, 2 packs of sf hard candy, lotion, mouthwash, q-tips, body wash, and fem spray, nail file, & chapstick. And a card tha told me how proud he was of me and if I needed or wanted anything else to let him know. I think I enjoyed that box more then I did my really b-day gifts. I am going to pack as light as possible since he will be the one toteing it all around. lol Have a blessed day!!! Melissa

Melissa, These were really good....I read them to the ladies that work in the office with me...being in the medical field it really gave us a chuckle....How is your mom? I have been praying really hard for her.... God bless Rachael

Rachael She is doing pretty good. Thanks for asking and your prayers. She had to have a bone marrow done on Tuesday. Her appointment for her CT scan was resheduled due to an emergency at the hospital. So she goes and has that done at 7am Monday morning. Then Tuesday she has to go to Branson to a lung doctor to find out why she cant hardly breath. I was told that the test results for the Bone Marrow and CT Scan wont be in for a week or so. So right now were just waiting and praying. And trusting in God to do HIS WILL not our own. God Bless Melissa

Melissa, good ones and being in the medical field I enjoyed them. Do pack lightly because all you need is a robe, slippers, chapstick, brush, comb and makeup. God be with you!! Colette

Mellissa:.....God be with you Monday. Hope you have a speedy and safe recovery...I'll also be praying for you....God Bless you my friend , Craig Lee