SG Springfield thoughts...

I have thought long and hard about this... and I would like to get some feedback on what the rest of you think. So please be forewarned that this post is going to be lengthy! PLUS I WILL PUT UP THE DISCLAIMER THAT THE FOLLOWING IS HOW I FEEL... if you don't agree with me..that is your perogative... There is a SG that meets at Springfield once a month. Kind of a allcomenomatterwhereyouareatintheWLSwalk thing. Not bad, big but not bad. They just announced last month that they were going to be starting a new group for those that are past 1 yr. postop. Called the Next Level or something to the sort. I thought ..."great... this is what is needed as we have some different issues that we face that are different from new postops, etc." right? Cool... ...the kicker. NO family members or other types of support members to the folks having WLS are allowed. Not even to sit in with the group and just be there. They "have" to sit out in the hallway while we meet. Now if they want to socialize amongst themselves out in the hallway or sitting area by the elevators that is ok... OK... what the H ....ok? How many folks in this group LIVE in Springfield? I for one, live HOURS away from Springfield. I don't have ANY other group closer to me to go to (or trust me I would go) To me it is a slap in the face. My husband can drive up there with me but he is relegated to sitting in the hallway as he didn't have the surgery and this should just be for WLS patients. That we, as patients, should have a place where we feel free to talk about issues w/o support members there. I emailed the folks that are responsible for the setting up of these meetings asking them IF they would consider my DH to possibly informally spearhead a family support group that would meet at the SAME time as our group so that they wouldn't be excluded and it was met with the following comment emailed to me..."The Next Level is exclusively for post-ops 1+ year. To have a support group for patients only is a very common format in the support group community." Basically it was a very nice "thank you but NO thank you email". My DH is a licensed and certified teacher. He has been teaching and chairing groups/symposiums for YEARS. I explained his background and the areas of his expertise such as dealing with familiy issues, behavioural issues, dynamics... PLUS THE FACT that he was willing to do this, even informally, but again, no thank you. How high is the incidence of family dynamic problems with WLS patients in their postop walk? How many divorces happen? How many family crisis' take place due to support issues as WLS patients go through their changes. If these folks don't think that support group members should be included in this group or even have a group of their own, they are sadly mistaken. I think inclusion of this into what they have would be of utmost importance! In this day, where we have a dire lack of volunteers ready to step up and help I was just flabbergasted at the lack of receptiveness to the offer. Even if they didn't want him to help ...no biggie. But make them sit outside in the hallway or by the elevators? Jeez louise. How shortsighted. Think about it. Yes folks past 1 year have different issues. Are they hermits? Do they live alone or not have families, loved ones, kids? I guess our loved ones just don't count. No no wait a minute. Yes they do count. Drive up there with us, be there for us all through our walk from preop through surgery and beyond and "we" will save a place for you. Right outside the door in the hallway or by the elevator. ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH Elizabeth who....btw... doesn't feel like waving and being all friendly right now....

Way to go..... Support of family, and friends is so important in our WLS fight....before, after, and during the process... My feelings are that the people in charge of these groups have never gone through the process of having surgery, considering surgery, or even the aftermaths...to understand us from the inside out. Now if I am wrong and someone in charge of this group has had the surgery, I apologize...but I think that is what is lacking in most SG's....no experience first hand.... And those of us who have an education and are willing to be in a leadership role are shot down because we don't have the "MEDICAL" background necessary to lead the groups, etc...or even..to be a support or answer questions for those who need it. I know the support group with NEWSTART in St. Louis turned me down on several occassions because of the "LIABILITY ISSUES" poo on that...I have been there, done that, struggled and over come...please let me help someone....don't sit there and just say because you have the medical education and have attended seminars that you can answers all the questions....I beleive this is a team effort and we should seek out support from whereever it is available... o.k. enough of my ramblings... I TOTALLY SUPPORT YOU PIX!!!! Betty Myers St. Louis, MO -135 pounds OPEN RNY 5/25/04

There are some folks associated with the group that have had the surgery. Most of them within the hospital confines have NOT had the surgery. Betty I believe that you truly understand the jist of my post.. WHY EXCLUDE THE VERY FOLKS THAT ARE THERE THROUGH THICK AND THIN ENABLING US TO BE SUCCESSFUL?... I have talked to countless (and I mean countless) people in ALL aspects of WLS in the past several years. Trust me on that figure as I have fought to have this surgery for YEARS!.. I'm not a newbie when it comes to the WLS circle. Maybe not 100% of the time (but damned close) ...those folks that end up having issues are the very ones that don't have good support at home OR they don't have good communication WITH their loved ones as they emerge and re-invent themselves post WLS. When I see groups or people alienate themselves by choice (or in this case by exclusionism) it rankles me. How can my DH learn more about me and what WLS does that affects US/ME if he is not "in" on the process. I'm not that concerned for our family as we have always had GREAT communication and understanding amongst ourselves even in some pretty sticky situations. BUT what about the others... how many marriages fail? How many relationships are strained to the breaking because of issues that arise and the folks haven't a clue as what to do? (not just talking husband/wife/significant other relationships..but familial as well) Where to go? What do I say? What do I NOT say? How can I support? Am I enabling? Etc etc etc. WLS fixes the physical side of Obesity in the short term realm. Head issues are much harder to deal with... they change, they evolve. To think that groups are only needed for the patient is so incredibly shortsighted that it isn't funny. Again this isn't so much about my DH leading it or not. It IS about the family needing THEIR group and their time. If this program as well as others like it wants to be successful then they will treat the ENTIRE family and not just the patient. ok ok...down off my soapbox yet again.... *s* Elizabeth~ ..still don't feel like waving either!

Betty!! I just wanted to let you know that all 3 ladies that are leading the support group meetings are all WLS post-ops. They all have a great deal of knowledge and are wonderful at what they do. I want to thank them for all of their dedication and hard work. There is one lady by the name of Katy Branson that is a social worker that comes to the meetings and she is not post-op. However, she works routinely with WLS surgeons and patients. She too has a wealth of information to offer us, and I for one am glad she makes time for our group. Have a great week! Kelli

I went to the support group meeting tonight in Springfield. It is true only 1 year post ops were allowed, but that is so people felt comfortabel opening up and discussing issues that pre ops or people not needing surgery would not understand. If you spouse would have been there he would have been bored and not understand our discussion. I did feel sorry for the people who had to wait outside, but they could have gone to the mall or gone to a movie while they waited. The meeting was and hour and a half and they did not rush you out you could stay a lot longer if you wanted to stay. I live in Branson so it is a trip for me but I think it was worth it. I learned a few things and I think some people got some help they needed. We are not supposed to talk about what went on in the meeting but I think it was helpful to most of us. Please try and come next month to the meeting and tell your spouse to see a movie or go to the mall its not far away. Or maybe someone could bring some board games or cards to play. The meeting on the second Monday of the month is open to everyone, the meeting the fourth Monday is just for over 1 year post ops because we are facing different issues that other people just dont understand. If you have a problem someone there probably has faced the same thing and has an answer that worked for them. It get kind of personal and people need to feel free to open up and say things in front of other people who understand. My wife has also had wls so she could go in with me, but many people had other people with them who waited. I say try to make it fun for everyone.

David, First of all, this is Pixie's dh here, not her. The point she was trying to make was this: I was not wanting to sit in on the 1 year postop group. What I offered to do was to set something up for us spouses/significant others/etc. that would go on at the same time as this meeting, only someplace else. If you go back and look at all the info posted here and elsewhere on the net, there is a HUGE lack of support for us who are on the outside of this. We are the ones who stand there and help our spouses through this, only to be told that we are not needing support or help or assistance because "we don't understand what postops are going through." Ok, then tell me that you understand everything that I'm going through, and what every other spouse is going through here. We are going through this, too. I offered to start a group for those who would not be in the Next Level meeting (spouses, etc.) but was told, "Don't bother. You don't need it." Um...yes I do. I'm looking for a place/group/whatever that can address my needs here too. Please don't tell me that sitting in a hall playing solitaire is helping me any. I can do that on my own at home if I like.

Elizabeth, I know where you are coming from and I sent an email and asked one of the leaders why my husband couldn't come. I live 45 mins to an hour a way...depending on the traffic. My husband opted not to come tonight but, he supported and encouraged my going to the group tonight. The group tonight was nothing less than AWESOME...it was just a great group session and, I went away feeling happy that I went. I had to get home but, I wanted to go out to eat with a few of the people there. I can't tell you how much different the group was tonight...it was something that I know I needed and need to have in my post-op life. I have my family support but, now I think I need other support and I need to reach out to WLS friends and co-horts. I am also very excited about the new mentoring program that is going to get fired up.... E~ I've met you in person and I know you're a smart and beautiful lady!! You would be such an asset to any support group setting. Don't let your frustration keep you from attending this group. It's a great group and I'd love to see you come and join in. Hugz, Kelli

One thing that I am going to TRY to clarify once again.... I'm not upset because my DH can't sit in on the SG for the postop patients. I AM upset because his only option is 1. Not attend 2. Sit outside in the hallway, play solitaire or go to a movie. Neither of those is a good option OR conducive to creating a positive model for good family interaction. Our loved ones ARE our #1 support group and any group setting out there that doesn't realize this is shooting themselves in the proverbial foot. You are an educated woman yourself. How many relationships both romantic and/or familial have you seen go "bust" for lack of understanding and communciation? Having WLS does entail belonging to a specialized group but we are not lepers either. We DO interact with those around us and they in turn with US. Don't tell our loved ones to go play solitaire or catch a movie for goodness sakes. That is just shortsighted. We ALL have issues. Lets face it. Do we want to band together or form this little group that is exclusionary. I for one live 3 HOURS roundtrip from Springfield. I work two jobs 6 days a week. I am NOT about to waste what precious time I have to be with my husband to drive up there by myself just to attend a group meeting. AGAIN.. not necessarily wanting him to sit in on OUR meeting... but why can't they have their OWN meeting ...informal or otherwise and made to feel like they DO belong. I'm a pretty outspoken person... and even though I might be in the minority here by voicing my opinion.. I'll wager that I am NOT the only person that is feeling this way, even if I am the ONLY person that will step forward into the "line of fire".... Not bashing you...just wanting MY voice to be heard and trying to educate the public that it is vital to administer to the ENTIRE family and not just the WLS patient alone. Elizabeth~

Yeah, I think EVERYONE knows how YOU AND YOUR DH feels!! My husband enjoys coming with me as well....... But, I guess we have to play by the rules or not play at all!!!! If your husband wants to start a group...then what's stopping him? The room right next to our conference room was empty tonight. Call St. John's and discuss it with them...post the time and what his group is all about. It's not up to the post-op group leaders to book rooms.....I KNOW my husband would love to come!

Kelli... At the risk of sounding angry at you.... which btw I am not... here is a excerpt of my FIRST POST on this subject.... "I emailed the folks that are responsible for the setting up of these meetings asking them IF they would consider my DH to possibly informally spearhead a family support group that would meet at the SAME time as our group so that they wouldn't be excluded and it was met with the following comment emailed to me..."The Next Level is exclusively for post-ops 1+ year. To have a support group for patients only is a very common format in the support group community." Basically it was a very nice "thank you but NO thank you email". WE TRIED!!!!!!! I did not copy the full email...but it went on to say that St. John's has "criteria" for SG's whether informal or not. Basically they said NO. The WHOLE point of this thread is that it was shot down by them. Their suggestion was wait in the hallway or by the elevators or otherwise do what you want as long as it doesn't bother us. I have never been a sugercoated type of girl when faced with a challenge (especially sticky situations). I am telling myself that you didn't mean to come off sounding so flip in your reply and I am wanting to believe that sincerely. This has really touched a nerve with me as I have seen numerous family's beset with horrendous issues that a SG like this for BOTH WLS patients and ONE for families might of overcome or taken care of. Happily not in my family... but it definitely hit a nerve with me. So at the risk of ticking off the powers that be. Please sit back and think long and hard. It isn't about my DH ... it isn't about me. It is about creating a healthy environment for families where surgery patients can hope to realize an incredible potential for success in the long term. Blessings to everyone on this chilly Missouri morning... Elizabeth~