WHATS HAPPENING TUESDAY

Hi Jan and OH Peeps~

I guess I am going to use you guys today to vent.....I sit here typing, and I cant stop crying. Been this way most of the morning. Well, since my hubby left for work and oldest son to school. My heart hurts so much. This year-has SUCKED! SUCKED! SUCKED!

When I was huge, I DIDNT let ANYONE (but my immediate family-hubby and kids) close to me. In fact, I often wondered- WHO would come to my funeral IF I died? Not very many people....Maybe a handful besides my family, I just didnt let people close. Part of it was my size-a lot of it was my soul. When my grandparents died-I just felt lost. They basically are the people I looked up to all of my life-and were ALWAYS there for me-until I met Mike. These are the 3 people I have let in, unconditionally. Let the gaurd down.....2 are gone....1 remain...(this is when I was huge, remember that)....OK-So, I have this surgery-NOT EVEN comprehending WHAT it was going to do to my soul. Actually, I am going to be brutually honest and If I offend you, Im sorry-but.....Im being honest. I was so angry at how awful I was treated when I would go to the store, a restuarant-out in public, period, that I had already made my mind up to STAY angry-SCREW EM' was my mind frame-they werent nice to me fat-screw em' if I get skinny-I dont want friends-they just let me down! (make passes at my husband, made comments about liking being around me because they would ALWAYS be skinny-stuff like that!) I dont WANT to feel nice to people, to smile at the SOB's-cuz they are probably some that poked fun when I was fat-or stared at me-OR let their kids torture me! I actually got offended when one of pen pals from HA-when she felt the same way-and then found herself post op-smiling and being nice to people!!! We both had the same mind set-and now she was a traitor! I called her on it-and she said-I dont understand it either! I dont feel pissed off anymore! I FEEL like smiling, I FEEL happier, I FEEL good!!! (WHATEVER, I THOUGHT!-TRAITOR!!!!)

Ok-so what the heck happens? I DID the SAME THING!! One day, I walked into Walmart-and I am NOT even kidding-I found myself smiling at EVERYONE! WTH? What on earth was happening? Not only did I NEVER look someone in the eye IF I could help it-I NEVER smiled-I was MAD! MAD! MAD! At whom? I dunno-but the world treated me like crap-and I wasnt happy about it-Im sure that some of the people I have held the door for, OR smiled at, OR helped get something off the shelf when they cant reach-Im SURE that IF I were the same person I was 2 yrs ago-they would be some that made me so angry! But, I dont care anymore! I had several people I had to train at my job tell me that they were afraid of me-because I looked mean-AND PISSED OFF ALL THE TIME! I used to laugh when I heard that-because yes, I was angry with the whole world, but I didnt realize that I looked unapproachable!

To say that my body was the biggest transformation would be a lie-it was MY SOUL! All the sudden, I CARED about people I hadnt even met. I related. I WANTED to help. I WANTED to reach out. Man, IF I could help someone feel accepted, loved, happy, accepted....accepted is a big one. I felt like a freak pre-op. I felt like NO ONE knew how I felt. I was embaressed, I was humiliated. I had no self confidence, self esteem and no respect for myself. In fact, I LOATHED ME! I couldnt look in the mirror without wanting to puke! I just want you all to understand-this is how bad I was with myself. I was dead inside-the formality was, dying in the flesh. Which I would pray to God to take me in my sleep every night, cause living was just too hard on me....I also didnt BELIEVE that people LOVED ME...HOW can someone love me, when I HATE ME? So-forward to this journey...I have believed in miracles-have had miracles happen in my life-to ME....I know they can and DO happen...what happened with me and my soul-its a miracle...and along with that, these amazing changes have happened.

This year-its been so hard. It makes me want to "hide" again! When you throw yourself out there, it CAN hurt. The old Janet-wouldnt have gone through half of what I have this year-and WHY? Because I would have NEVER put myself in a position to love this hard-care this much-be this way. Is this how it is for all people, I wonder? Am I TOO open? TOO trusting now? TOO giving? IS THIS NORMAL?

Something I have worked so hard to protect for so many years with the screw you attitude-has been ripped apart several times this year....I HATE that feeling. I HATE being helpless. I HATE it that people are hurting and I cant help. I HATE that Im sitting here writing this and maybe Im being stupid. I know I am, actually-because I can list as many things I feel blessed about-since my surgery and meeting people, helping and so on.

I love hard, I fight hard, I have a big heart. Mike says its one of the reasons that he loves me so much-and that I had a big heart when he met me too-but that because of ME being withdrawn from people-I didnt let a lot of people in-but the people that I did, he said-I touched, even then...I wonder about that, cuz it just doesnt seem that way to me-or maybe its because I have changed so much, that I am not as picky as I used to be? Is that it? I dont know. Im getting tired of analyzing it all. All I know is that fat Jan, yeah-I DID hurt-my fat ass barely ever got off the sofa when I got home from work-I was just too hurt and tired. I had to sit in a chair on wheels to make dinner IF I MADE IT-and not one of my girls. Chores? Yeah-right...too fat. Too tired. Too hurt. Sit on the sofa and then eat chips while watching tv, because I had the munchies, I was depressed-and couldnt lose weight....Food really did become my "comfort" zone! My marriage was "there". Dont get me wrong, Mike IS my soul mate-but everything we did-we did seperately. We couldnt do anything together because of MY health. After my knee surgery and blood clot in 99, things went down hill-BIG TIME... Everything we enjoyed as a couple or a family-gone.

So now.....2 yrs post op almost-and I experience the most pain a person could experience. I cant even tell you! When I worked for 6 yrs at the Cancer Institute and would talk to the patients and they would tell me that they actually felt like their bodies were being eaten alive-I can honestly tell you that I have had that feeling-alot! Its like the DJD, the DDD, the O/A, ALL of it-I feel like I am being eaten alive too-and it freaking hurts! I have heard-well, how do you do so much? Its like this, peeps-when you have had arthritis since you were 4, limited in your activities EVERY DAY because of pain AND your size-your body CANT lug that load around. Mine couldnt anyway-I was in a wheelchair a lot before surgery. I rode the carts ANYWHERE they had them...I just could NOT walk more than 10 feet maybe-without sitting to rest and the sweat-the whole thing....AWFUL....So, I CAN walk now, I CAN make dinner. I can wash dishes. I CAN AND DO things JUST BECAUSE I CAN....NOT because I am pain free!!! Now, do I get on a trampoline and bounce around and then say my back hurts or my knees? NO.....but will I take my son to the trail at the Audobon center and walk with him and all that? Heck yes. Because I can. Pain is ALWAYS there.....I have worked so hard to wrap my mind around it and CONTROL IT....Mind over matter! My heart, on the other hand-I cant seem to wrap my mind around the hurt and control it. I have been crushed by 2 people whom I thought were 2 of the best friends a person could have-I have already lost someone I loved very much in May, to cancer. I lost my relationship with my youngest daughter.....I have gone through some horrific things with her this year that has broken my heart. I have dealt with some things that have hurt my children so much because of their other parent....breaks my heart. Im watching aunt sis die. We watched dad die. Yes, aunt sis would be dying whether I was the old or the new Janet.....and dad would have too-the difference? I would NOT have allowed myself to get that close to them preop. Sure, I cared-dont get me wrong- I dont know where Im going with this. Heck, I dont know that I will post it....I guess I dont get in this mood very often-and I did have a point to it all-but it sure sounds rediculous now, doesnt it?

Yesterday, I had to sit down and talk to Jonathan about his grandpa dying. Let me tell you-I would have rather gnawed my leg off with my own teeth! Everyone in the house knew but him and I knew I had to tell him. Ok-so he listens, and then he says-Momma, come with me, please-and he takes my hand with his little hand and walks me into his bedroom. He throws a pillow on the floor for both of us and kneels down next to his bed-and pats the other pillow and asks if I can do it too? Im fighting back the tears standing there next to him-and I kneel down, too. (crying now too...) he leans over and folds his little hands together and bows his head-and now my nose is running, but I cant move. He says "God, this is Jonathan Michael Corbett. You have my grandpa, God and I want you to give him back. Its making my daddy sad and my mommy cry a lot. You can keep my kitten, Gabby and you can keep my fish, Nemo-but please give my grandpa back, ok, God? Thank you." and he leans over and says-Mommy, you can stop crying now, because grandpa is coming back.....(oh buddy! I WISH...) so then he tells me how much he loves me (I have heard it 1000 times since he was told about grandpa. He is so freaked out) At this point, I HAD to go get kleenex....then, I had to explain that grandpa wasnt coming back. CRAP! He says-Mom, God answers our prayers, remember? So, now he is walking around stating " IM SAD" or "IM MAD". I did explain that Grandpa is in a better place and that he isnt hurting anymore-and then Jon got scared that because Mike and I hurt so much-that God will take us to be with him and not give us back to him......PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE-pray for my little guy. He came out of his room 10 times-just to "see" Mike and I last night-and then, this morning when I woke up-his little face was right in mine, staring at me. Lots of hugs-I bet Ive had 40 or so....not complaining-I will take those hugs....makes me feel good, but hes not dealing so well.

Yesterday, my mom told Stephanie she had to move. So-Stephanies other grandma-came and picked her up and I dont know where she will end up now. Steph said some pretty horrible things again-and she threatened to get physical with Megan-but since Meg is pregnant.....she wont talk to me. I told her that I wasnt taking sides. I love them all. Some how though, they all felt it necessary, to try and drag me in.....I was like-Guys-my other dad JUST died this morning-and does that NOT affect YOU guys at all? Life is way too short to be so hateful with one another and do things you can never take back! QUIT hurting everyone you say you love-BEFORE its too late-we are NOT PROMISED TOMORROW-NO ONE IS! If something happened to ANY of you today-the other would feel bad for the rest of their lives that their last conversation was a devastating one-right?

THEN....Before I could even get back home-I get a frantic call from Megan-and I was actually on the phone with Aunt sis and she kept calling-so....I answer it-and she is laying in the parking lot-with her groceries rolling down the hill-and she is hurt! She had fallen taking the groceries out of her car and they were all over the place. Holy crap-your kidding me!!!???? So, guess where Megan ended up? Yep, at the Urgent care. Baby ok. Megan bruised her hip and her side-but they are both going to be okay. She HAS to now wear her brace 24/7-whether she likes it or not. While I was helping her up-I pulled something in my back...OMG....BUT...there was NO ONE there to help me help her and I could not leave her in the middle of the parking lot! I was ready to go to the bar at the motel and have a great, big, strong drink!~ But...I didnt. After she was done at UC, I got Jonathan and came home. I had put a roast in the crock pot Sunday night-to have for dinner last night-so that was something I didnt have to worry about-thank goodness-they would have been having sandwhiches had I not started the roast.

Jon and I were suppose to go on a field trip today to the Audobon Conservation Center so he can feed the fish, spiders, snakes-yea, all the good stuff.....not sure if we are going though, the weather is changing-and I am hurting like a big dog. Combo of arthritis and weather then my tailbone not healing AND whatever I pulled helping Mag when she fell. Im so tired of the physical pain-I dont even want to say pray for me anymore! I am just plain sick of that 4 letter word! Maybe if my pain pills kick in, we can go...Will see. So far, they havent.

I may go pack some of Stephanies room up. Yep, it STILL isnt done. I told myself if it werent done by Thanksgiving-Im gonna walk in and light a match-LOL...I want my list done BEFORE the holidays!

Which reminds me-when Megan and Aaron came to pick Jon and I up Saturday for the race-Megan tells me that she had just gone to Babies R Us and that they had 2 packs of Game Boy Advance games for $10!!! Heck, you cant even buy 1 for that price!!! (garage sale MAYBE!) sooooo-Jon had told me before I went to Columbia that he wanted this Danny Phantom game-and guess what? They had it in the 2 pack-AND....at the Dollar General store where we saw it-it was $15!! So, I asked her to take me between Mikes heats and I went and picked up 2 of the 2 packs for Christmas presents. While I was walking around-Megan was showing me everything they had registered for-When the heck did baby stuff get so fancy AND expensive? I about choked when I saw what a baby swing goes for now! AND what they look like! Dang!!!! 6 pc of ballerina (really pretty) bedding was $178!! Your kidding me!!! You have to be a rockefeller to buy everything for your baby brand new-and crib sets-forget about it!!! There anyway-they are EXPENSIVE! Too expensive for my blood.

**We have some people that are MIA's and I am wondering if ANYONE has heard from them lately? I know Jeanine is gone-I sure hope she is okay.....Peggy? Sherr? Connie? Lynette? Deb M? Nutti? Where are you guys? No fair to let us get spoiled by getting to know you OR you coming back and then disappearing again! We had some posters missing yesterday too-Angie, Deb (pooh), Shannon, Bec-where you ladies at?????? Come out, come out-wherever you are!

**Jan-did the shot help Joe or dont you know yet? Whatever came about with your kidneys or bladder? Are you better or did you go get meds? Im praying for you guys! I know you leave tomorrow and I am also praying for good weather. I dont want it to be rainy and yucky!! You guys will be so happy to get away that I dont think it will matter-but I want it to be PERFECT for you-you deserve it.

PRAISE GOD about Michele!!! Did she start her job yesterday? Im so happy that its all working out!! POWER IN PRAYER and AMEN to what Andy said-where 2 or more are gathered-and I believe that, so strongly!!!

Thank you, for what you said to me and for standing by me. I didnt think that I offended a lot of you that know me so well-BUT....I wanted to make sure. You guys mean so much to me-you, specifically, are like my family-I really consider you my aunt-whether by blood or not-and what your opinion is-makes a huge difference in my life-because you dont sugar coat it and your always honest with me... so I knew you would be about that too-and I just wanted to be sure. I have been a part of this board for almost 3 yrs-and I lurked a lot before that-and I am a regular poster-so I didnt want to always be posting and find out years later-that it just made everyone angry!

I WISH I could be a bird in a tree watching you pack that trailer today! Your gonna be an expert at it soon!!! LOL....Its gonna be interesting! Good luck on that! Yes, I know the kind of tent your talking about and we had a big one that did that-and when my house got robbed-they stole it ALL! I miss that stuff! We are Still planning on going to Arizona this summer, if aunt sis is still around-and then we plan on hitting the grand canyon again-only this time, we ARE going the extra 200 miles to go to the NORTH side-so Mike and Darrel can go across that glass deal where you can see the bottom. Im NOT-I will stand where its safe and take pictures. I HATE That they WANT to-BUT...what are you gonna do? Anyway-this time, we are going to camp there overnite. We are taking our tent and all that....little bit of room for the stuff will save us a couple hundred dollars.

Whens Sugar coming back? I hope she is having fun! Her and Rick deserve it!!!

Cant wait to see you at the meeting and get a hug!!! Oh-did we change where we go afterwards to the Waffle house or whatever? Let me know. I think I missed something. I will bring that stuff to you for the visitors goody bags. Nothing fancy-but.....Love ya and thanks.

**Deb (pooh)-I will get an email out to you soon. THANKS for having my back-I appreciate it so much!!! Yes, I already love you too-I know we are going to be awesome friends-for life! Like I said before-Meeting you face to face-its now just a formality, really!

I continue to pray for you too....Its funny-Tomato soup was my best friend for a long time too-LOL. You wouldnt think it-but it was. I couldnt do cream of chicken, mushroom or even the campbells chicken noodle-but that trusty tomato-isnt that freaky? Im sorry your having such trouble, but I know, from experience, it will get better! Love ya!

**Susie-dont stock up on too much stuff pre-op protein wise-because, a lot of experience changes were NOTHING is the same post op-and I would hate for you to spend a ton of money on things you like right now-and you dont like them post op! I ended up with a lot of things that I just grossed out over post op-and gave it all away, what my kids didnt drink/eat, so I dont want that to happen to you. I mean, yes-you have to try it anyway....but maybe just limit how much you get?

Not much longer now-WOOOO HOOOOO....So excited for you! Your gonna do great-I know it. We are polishing your seat on the never ending losers bench! Would LOVE to see you at the meeting this month!!!

**Andy-so good to see you!! Have been so worried about you!! You can bet-you and Susan are in our prayers! You WILL get better and then be better than ever!! I am praying for your complete healing AND.......dont sweat the 14#-they are just from being in the hospital on those IV's. That happens to everyone-really!!!! Please keep us posted as your up to it, ok? We love you guys! Hope your up to going to the meeting this month.

**Lana-HEYYYYY!!! Good to see you, you little New Yorker, you!! What fun!!! I could just imagine the trip in my head! Sounds like it was just AWESOME! Did you take pics? Will you bring them to the meeting with you? I would LOVE to see them! One of my angels and good friends now-she lives in Northern New York and she says I can come visit whenever I want and she will take me to "downtown" for a few days of sight seeing. Its 4 hrs to drive there. She is only an hour from Niagra Falls and says we will go there too-I would LOVE to take her up on that offer!!

Im sorry to hear about Stacy and Adam. She has been on my heart a lot the past couple of weeks. I sent you an email-but hadnt heard from you-so I wasnt sure if you got it, if you were upset with me or what.....I will continue to pray for the both of them. Im sure some of what Adam is doing is that normal 14 yr old stuff-I have one of those too....BUT......the some of it just may be from the ADD or ADHD-you know? At any rate-they are BOTH in my prayers! Write me when you have time and let me know whats going on! I miss and love you more than you know....Cant wait to see you this month to get my aunt Lana hug!

**Tammy-Ammy....Wow-what does this make-3 or 4 days in a row? Thats a record lately!!! Now that you have spoiled us for this long-YOU BETTER STAY! DONT MAKE ME COME DOWN THERE!! I can ALMOST afford the gas-I spent $20 yesterday and got quarter of a tank!! WOOO HOOO!!!! It was $2.49 a gallon!

Congrats on the house! Im so happy for you. It would be awesome to come down in the spring or summer and hang out for a couple of days IN YOUR NEW HOUSE!!! Im so excited for you! Thanks for having my back on the prayer request issue. Means a lot to me. I dont think I will have any more said to me about that. If I do-I know how the majority feels so I can respond without having to post and ask how everyone feels. It means a lot. Thanks for the texts checking up on me-and yes, I wish you were here too-for a great, big, Tammy hug! Love ya Sis!!!

**Deb D-Im so happy your going away this weekend!! Let us know how it goes!!! WOOO HOOO.... I will pray for good weather and travelers mercy! Keep us posted on your dad....Sorry-I didnt realize it would take so long-keeping him in prayer too! Love ya!!!

**Renee-thanks for the offer to come and help. Nothing really for you to do-except clean Stephanies old room-LOL and I dont think your physically up to that anyway right now-LOL....Hopefully it will be done before you can help!!! Im sorry about your fall last night. I read your text and just sat there shaking my head. What a day it was yesterday!! I just wanted to have a drink and forget who and where I was!

Your doing so good with the fluid intake and walking-Im proud of you!! I know you will feel so much better when you get that stupid drain out!! Just make sure and take your drink with you on the trip and sip like your life depends on it so you dont get dehydrated!!! K? Wish I could go-but there is just no way. My rear just cannot take a trip like that right now, no way-no how!!!! Love ya.

**Lou-Hope your doing good too!!! It gets better! Do you go Thursday too, to get it out? Renee has to be there at 8 am? Anyway-good luck, girl-and stay fiesty-it WILL work to your advantage-it will!

**Barbara-thanks for having my back yesterday-means a lot to me. We have known each other a long time on here and I value your opinion!

**Bev B-see Barbaras comment-cuz its ditto to you too!!! Your doing so good, Bev-I am so happy for you!!! I love seeing the changes in you-email me once in awhile to let me know how your doing, ok?

**Vesta-darlin'-thanks! I love you dearly and I sure cant wait to see you again!! Maybe on my way down to see Tammy and Brenda, I will stop in and spend a day with you!!! If it would be okay-next time you go to Branson, let me know and maybe I can meet you and Jan there? Would LOVE to see you again! YOU LOOK AWESOME! Love ya.

**Angie-Im so sorry we didnt get to see you. I didnt realize that on the way to Columbia-that we werent driving the same way I always did. That was my fault-I didnt know until AFTER my post that we didnt even go the same way-Please forgive me. When Megan and I go to get the clothes from Deb for the baby-we WILL stop in and bug you-ok? That would be great!! Glad you and hubby liked the chicken enchilada recipe-its one of our favorites and yes, it makes a lot-I freeze a lot of it-about 3/4s now-unless we have the whole family over-and then theres not any left! Anyway-Love you and sorry again!

**Sheila-How are you doing? Can you have Rachael text me when surgery is over tomorrow so I can post for you? I will text you to make sure!! Im so sorry this is all happening to you!! YES-WE WILL get together and hang out for a day or two when we BOTH get settled-maybe we should plan a p.j party at a motel in Springfield or Branson with an indoor pool and us girls just have fun!!! That would be awesome!! I could handle that!!! Your in my thoughts and prayers and I love you, sis!!!

**Jeanine, Peggy, Lynette, Bec, Nutti, Sherr-where are you guys? I am praying that everything is okay with you guys. We love you guys and miss you when your not here. Your a part of this big, crazy praying family and we worry when we dont see you!!!

**Lori-You and your family will be in my prayers-it will get better. Please post and let us know how your appt with your surgeon went today-he is AWESOME and you will be great!! He has done several surgeries on WLS pts-so your in good hands! Take care and keep on, keeping on!

Im sure as soon as I hit post-that I will remember someone OR something that I forgot. Its not my intention to leave anyone out.....Havent made as many notes etc as I normally do. Blanket prayer request for all of you on the board AND your individual needs-which I posted most yesterday-its really on my heart today about my family and strength and Jonathan, Stephanie and so on....BUT...I pray for all of you-and ask that when you pray today, you will include me and my family as well. I really, really appreciate it-and I KNOW there is power in prayer!! Your all in my thoughts and prayers and have a good Tuesday. Love, Janet