~Asking for prayers~Have a heavy heart right now~

Hello Dear Friends of mine,

I have gotten a lot of calls, emails and texts asking how surgery went. I am okay, everything went fine. I do, however, have to make a trip up to Columbia the middle of this month to see Dr. Suttmoeller and they will be scoping my pouch. I had to have a scan 3 weeks ago-and my ulcers on the staple line caused concern for my surgeon and since he is not specialized in the area of bariatrics, his office called them to get me in......Please pray for me. I WISH that was ALL I was dealing with right now, but unfortunately, it is not. What I am about to tell you is WHY you didnt hear from me or my family right away.

On Weds, my daughter, Stephanie came home from 3 nights at her friends house. She informed me that Friday they were having a party, and it would be starting out at Olive Garden and ending up at the Bridge. I asked her about her job-because her boss had informed her only 2 weeks prior that after her vacation, that if she requested anymore time off-he would remove her from the schedule all together, due to her requesting a day off every week (and she only worked Fri and Sat nights and an occasional Sun afternoon or Weds evening) Anyway-for over 2 months she took one day off-at least-and he said no more....Well, I asked her about that-and she got very defensive. I said-cant you do it a different night since you work and you will lose your job if you take that time off? She said no. I said yes, we have a car sitting in the driveway that you need to make pmts on and insurance to pay and with the cost of gas and such (and we live far from town and jobs she could walk to) that I really didnt have the necessary extra money to run her back and forth to look for a job or pay her portion of insurance and car pmts. Then she also had her cell phone bill. (she did lose her job) Ok-well, she ended up getting very mouthy and slinging the F word around and such and I grounded her. I went to pick up her cell phone off our breakfast bar/counter and she grabbed my arm and started twisted my arm trying to make me let go of the phone. She lost it. She said I was NOT going to ground her from her phone, from her laptop or from HER party. Period. She can do what she wants cause she is an adult and there isnt crap I could do about it (Im using nice words for the sake of the post) Well, Megan, my oldest daughter was here-and she got so upset when Steph was standing there twisting my arm, and I asked Megan to go outside and take the boys-well, Megan sent the boys out-but wouldnt leave me with Steph alone. Steph was scaring everyone (including me). When she heard my elbow pop, she let go of my arm-and I had her phone. I was late going to town and went to leave the house and Steph stood in front of the door and said I wasnt going anywhere until she got her stuff back-and started ramming into me-knocking me into the window sill with my back-and that was it-Megan lost it-and they started getting into it-and Megan ended up trying to choke Stephanie. Steph wanted ME to hit her, she did her best to get me to lay my hands on her and I didnt do it. By the grace of God-I kept my cool. I even got Megan off of her. It wasnt until I threatened to call the Sheriff that she got into the truck so we could leave to town. I had called my parents to let them know I was running late so they wouldnt worry about me-and its when Steph was ramming me around, and I put the phone on speaker and they overheard everything she was saying AND doing to me and to Megan.

She ended up not talking to either of her grandparents because when she wanted them to side with her about how evil I was-they backed me-and she was so upset that she sat outside the 4 hours we were there Weds. Well, when we got home-and she had to explain herself to Mike-he said, you need to call Eric (her biological dad) and she needs to move in with him NOW, not later-because I dont know how much longer I can handle knowing that she is putting her hands on you and bullying you and every time it gets a little worse. This is the 3rd time in a year that she has laid her hands on me or put her fist in my face.

Well, she was REALLY nice to me all day yesterday. Figured that everything had blown over and her dad had said as soon as summer school was over, he would be here to get her and that he had kicked out all his room mates, so she now has her own room etc-but the catch is-that he isnt moving to Joplin like he promised her-she had to go to Vegas. Well, I guess it was about 5:30 or so when she came in to the couch where I was laying-feeling pretty puney to tell you the truth, back hurt worse than tummy area......and she asked if she could still go to her party tomorrow night (tonite) and I asked her if she thought that was a possibility when she just got grounded the day before and it was for a week? I said NO, there is going to be NO PARTY FRIDAY NIGHT FOR YOU, PERIOD....She said, well, I have something to tell you-and I dont want you to be mad-Ok-here it goes-she had been in her room all day packing her things and had already talked to her best friends mom and they said she could live with them (and never even called me to see what was really going on etc) and she was moving out. I was like-your moving out just because I grounded you? She said no, I dont like Mike, I dont like you-and I dont like living here. You guys dont listen to me and no one cares about me except Chans mom and her real dad. This is from the same kid who tells me that Chans mom lets her drink AND get drunk and this child is just 15, she wont be 16 for 3 weeks??????? IM A BAD PARENT? Chans mom said-Oh, Stephanie-your NOT a spoiled brat-they shouldnt have grounded you and yadi yadi. Yes, you can come live here with us and dont worry about a thing. She came and got her. Stephanie had told me on several occasions that it bothers her that Chan gets drunk and they let her and it bothers her that she gets away with everything-like being on the internet meeting strange men from different states AND meeting them.... It bothers her-but yet-thats where she wants to be? Im confused...anyway needless to say, I didnt get any sleep. My nerves are shot and I am sick. Mike had the dry heaves last night to-but held it together for me.....but I am devastated. She left me a note on her mirror about how much she loves us all, but she needs to be free and shes sorry.

So, I make calls today and guess what I find out? SHE IS considered an adult-I cannot report her as a runaway. I cannot make her come home OR go get treatment (we all believe she is doing drugs due to things we found in her room and the crowd she is hanging with and her boyfriend) Ok-so I cant do that BUT....IF she came to MY door tomorrow and I didnt let her in-Mike and I would go to jail for child neglect AND lose our boys until the investigation is over. I cant tell her to come home, but IF SHE decides to-I HAVE to accept her? ALSO-I AM FINANCIALLY responsible for EVERYTHING SHE incurrs, whether she lives in my home or not? Are you freaking kidding me? AND....NOW-IF you slap your child across the face for calling you a F`N "C" word-that IS considered child abuse?!!!! I cannot believe it-I cant! Which, I didnt-she wanted me to-but I didnt-but I asked the police and they said your not even allowed to slap your child across the face no matter what they say or do-even if you got bit-which she tried to do to me....I could call them to come and get her-but I better not touch her-she can slam ME all over the place-but dont touch her-or its abuse AND you risk losing your other children....excuse what I am about to say-but what the hell is this world coming to? Its no wonder society is the way it is today with the teens-the teachers and such are constantly telling them this crap and they know they have ALL the rights and us, as parents, have none. Im not trying to start a heated conversation on spankings or not-I dont mean it that way, I am just saying that they have taken MY rights as her parent, away-I cant even put her in a treatment center right now-but yet, I AM legally responsible for her financially? And I HAVE to accept what SHE wants and to hell with what is right for the rest of my family and children?

So, thats whats going on. With a very heavy heart, I am in here talking to you all, because I do get support and encouragement from all of you.

I feel like a failure. I love ALL of my children....even the son I didnt birth, I love him as much as the 3 that I did-and everyone has been telling me that its a testiment to how much he loves me that he chooses for ME to be his real mom-not his birth mom-he has not spoken to her or seen her in over a year now. He doesnt want to. No, we did not make him choose-he did that on his own and when he knew he was old enough to decide to see her or not-he didnt want to-and we dont make him. We ask him periodically, but he has asked us to quit asking. Anyhow-I feel like I failed Stephanie. Maybe I really didnt love her enough or hug her enough or whatever. I just dont know. My whole life-my #1 priority and pride in my life-are my children. I just live for my kids, I love them so much-you parents out there, you know how I feel.....I dont know where to go from here or how to feel anything different than being a failure. I have done everything in MY life-to give my children the childhoods that I didnt have or the security etc-that I didnt have-and I look and see that I have accomplished that, and I cant understand HOW or WHERE I WENT WRONG?

I know its long-thanks for listening. Any prayers are appreciated, as always. Janet