Relationship Problems

Ok, I am having some problems with my relationship of four years. I am finding that I am no longer attracted to my life partner and that her destructive behavior in regards to her own weight issues are making it harder for me to stay in a relationship with her. She is also morbidly obese and has on several occassions refused my offers to pay for her to have WLS stating "If I want to sit and eat an entire cheescake then I want to have the physical ability to do so." My problem is I have a new lease on life and am ready to go out and live and she wants to sit at home and continue with her self destructive behavior of eating nonstop. She has gotten to the point that she sits and eats a 3lb. bag of mini chocolates in a weekend. It is sickening to watch this behavior and I have pretty much shut myself off to her and stay in my office as I do not want to watch this behavior. I do not know how to approach this without her throwing in my face that I am now skinny so I have outgrew her but you know what I am starting to wonder if she is not acting like this so that I will be more inclined to leave her. We have two children both boys ages 4 and 9 they are both biologically mine and she of course has no legal rights to them so they would come with me if we seperated. It would destroy the children and really that is the only reason I am still with her as even though I love her I am no longer in love with her or attracted to her. I know my relationship is not approved by many people and I am not asking for any of you to approve or disapprove of my relationship. I am just needing to voice my feelings about this and see if any of you have had similar experiences with your spouses or signifigant others. Any advice would be greatly appraciated as I feel like I am constantly beating my head against a wall here when I try to talk to her about my feelings.

Heather... You are not going to get anything from me but compassion. When you love someone and feel for them it hurts when they don't take care of things. I guess I look at it this way.... which might be slightly warped BUT it is my take on things... I believe how a person takes care of themself whether physically, emotionally or mentally IS a reflection on how they perceive themselves in the relationship. Here you are... you take pride in caring for yourself and it shows. You knew that you had a problem with food and you took what measures were needed to correct it and give yourself a new lease on life. It hurts you to see your partner totally blow it... not only is she wrecking her health/life but she is supposed to want to take care of herself for her and for YOU. Right? You are partners... From that perspective I can totally see your frustration and pain. Now on to the harder issues to deal with. Just as you faced the demons that caused your weight issues ...she will have to face hers. It is her choice and it she has to come to this decision on her own. Even though you love her, even though you are committed to her .... you cannot make that decision for her nor can you push her to make that decision. It will only cause strife and dissent. Where does that leave you? You need to either sit down with her in a calm and objective manner and just trot out your concerns and how this hurts you.. or if you cannot do this without the meeting getting out of hand ...I would put pen to paper and pour your heart out. Tell her how much you care... how much this hurts... and then lovingly tell her that YOU made the choice for yourself to be committed to a healthy and constructive livestyle that emulates good physical care and choices and that you cannot go back to lifestyle that does not mesh with who you are now. This way you are letting her know that the ball is in her court. She can either choose to try to adopt a more healthy lifestyle that shows committment to caring for herself I.E. caring for your relationship OR she will tell you that she cannot do this and then you will be left to make that decision whether to stay in the relationship or to leave. I hope that I have not rambled on too much... and that what I said made sense. It is late and I have painkillers in me *HAHAHA* but I am trying my best to get the gist of my thoughts across. I'm just sorry that you are going through this honey.... I know it must hurt..... Please know that I am thinking of you.... and totally off subject right now.... CONGRATS ON TAKING A STAND AGAINST THAT YAHOOO ... you go girlie... you are going to be fine! Keep that head up and keep doing what it takes to be successful! ROCK ON! Elizabeth~

Heather, Children are much wiser then you think. If your relationship has come to that point when neither of you really get along your children will see it. Any arguements or outbursts, the children will feel it. Even if you try to do it when the kids are asleep or out side playing. I went through it with my last relationship. My daughter was the one who came up to me asking me why I wasnt smiling any more. Why we werent doing things as a family anymore. It was really hard but we had to move on. In your case it might be just as simple as you two really having a healthy heart to heart.. Wipe the slate clean and you two work on it. Or it may be past that and you will have to go on.. Only you know that answer. As far as the kids go.. if you chose to leave ofcourse there would be a period of time where your oldest will become relentless and possible upset at you for leaving. You will have to be the one that explains how you are doing this to help you and them. As they are children you cant say tooo much and never put the other person down to them. She has been in your lives for 4 years.. They have feelings for her too but they will overcome them. Possible let the kids still see her or talk to her. My ex still has alot to do with my daughter and we were only together for 3 years but they go to concerts or up to the mall or just talk by email or the phone. I chose to not stop it because my ex was apart of our lives for 3 years. which means they had alot of feelings there too! No matter which way you choose to go.. It has to be your decision. If there is any thing i mean anything left in your heart for her I would explore all options even possible councling for you both if you wanted to make it work with her. I really hope that whatever you may want will come to you and in a good way. Good Luck! Jai

Heather, I'm so sorry you're having this problem but I don't think it's fair to let your partner drag you down. You look wonderful and she is just not trying and that says to me that she really doesn't want to work on herself or your relationship. Your children probably already know things aren't right between the two of you, they're oh so perceptive. Staying together for their sake is not a good plan. You'll just resent the whole idea and they'll know it. I believe it's time to cut yourself and your kids loose. If she is important to the boys, let them visit her or talk to her on the phone but get them out of this situation. Are they absorbing her poor eating habits? They're young, they'll get over it and you can move on with your healthier, happier you. When you are happier, your boys will be happer too. I'm sorry to sound so tough, I'm not usually but I believe you know what you should do and are just procrastinating and postponing the inevitable. Let us know what you decide. We love and care about you. Lana

Heather, honey, I'm so sorry you are going through this! The truth be told, we all had to hit 'bottom' somewhere along the line to even consider this road. Your partner hasn't hit her bottom yet. You can't fix her. She has to do that herself. You have given up alot of your addictions and faced alot of demons, she still has hers and isn't willing yet to do so. The fact that you have worked so hard makes it even harder for you to watch her. Its like anyone else giving up something that they truly felt a part of (smoking, drinking, etc). Once you've done that and feel so much better, its hard to figure out why anyone else would want to continue doing it! But YOU made your choice. She will make whatever choice is good for her (whether we think it is or not). HER choice. As for the relationship, that fact that you still love her is good. Love and "in love" are really two completely different things. Love stays, in-love weaves in and out so we can keep the 'fireworks' feelings. If we had fireworks every day, we would get bored with them. So we have waves. YOu are currently in the down-slope of those waves. YOUR choice now is to wait for the next upswing, or move on if this is not something you can deal with. As for the kids, yes kids are resilient. Kids understand. but kids will suffer no matter what you do at this point. My advice, for what it's worth, is if you DO decide to end the relationship as it stands, do NOT remove her from you children's lives. She, like you said, is important to them, and they to her. If you can, remain friends. Do not speak ill of her to the boys. She is still their 'other mother' and it would also be devastating to you to just walk out and never see her again. (altho, there WILL be moments most likely when you WOULD LIKE to not see her! lol) Part of the journey, I"m afraid. Your main job will be to adopt the "fare thee well and fare me well" philosophy. Like with any breakup, do not hate. too thin a line between love and hate and too painful. work on "your life, your choice, i wish you well." and then, maybe, JUST MAYBE, this will be the 'bottom' she finds to do SOMETHING about her condition. She may not take the same path you did, but maybe will find HER way of getting healthy!! Sweetest blessings, dear Heather, on your decision and your life! deb

Heather, I wanted to tell you something.. I dont if you seen my post the other about a good friend of mine in Kirksville Mo. but she had WLS and lost almost 300lbs. had tummy tucks looked absolutely great......her husband left her, he wouldnt give her kids back.. her house had burned down for the second time.. she couldnt get nothing from the insurance... here parents travels the country in an RV....So she ended her life....Girl..do not let this get you down.....Its Heathers life now and your turn to shine...Iam sure your partner loves you but it seems like to me there is no respect there anymore.....What ever it may be Heather Please do not let this get you down like my friend....My advice to you is no matter the outcome stay friends with her Heather...Keep the pease and the times you have shared together....maybe someday when she sees how much you really have changed and she gets to missing you she will take you up on your offer...Just dont give up on her completely....No matter you're both still the same people you were when you both met, just in different bodies......I wish you the best and I'll pray for you Heather....... A friend Craig Lee