Fear (longish)
Fear
Fear. Those of us who have had weight loss surgery or are considering the prospect of weight loss surgery have had to face it. I found myself having to choose between my fear of dieing due to complications from a complex surgery and my fear of a long, slow, debilitating death due to obesity-related health problems. I watched my grandmother take the latter route, struggling for breath as her heart gave out, walking slowly and painfully as the bones in her worn-out knees and hips ground against each other, and, perhaps worst of all, becoming surly for the last decade of her life as depression and bitterness about her physical ailments overwhelmed her. I obviously took the former route and, as a result, I am very grateful for the skill of my surgeon and the resulting vast improvement in my health.
Facing and dealing with those fears gave me the confidence me to face other issues; some of which I feared more than death. That might sound strange, but death has a predictable end, while other things do not. I am an emotional eater for reasons that are rooted in life-long feelings of self-loathing. I was afraid to look behind the curtain, to see what horrible things there were about me that caused that self-loathing and my concomitant behavior to compensate for it. With support and no small amount of trepidation, I faced that particular fear and now feel more positive about myself than I ever have before. I still don’t think I meet the measure of most other people, but at least I don’t fear or loathe who I really am any more.
Underlying mental health problems can obviously exacerbate one’s emotional tendencies toward obesity. My particular challenge is a moderate version of bi-polar disorder, recently diagnosed by a medical professional, but something I recognized and have tried to secretly manage on my own, however unsuccessfully, for more than ten years. As it got progressively worse over time, I was l left with my greatest fear, that of losing my mind. Sometimes people use that phrase in delivering a bit of self-depracating humor, but it is no joke to me. While depressed, there have been times when I lost all hope, when I felt like my presence diminished the lives of those around me and I contemplated my own self-destruction. There have also been times when my mind was soaring to the point that I became intolerant of those around me who couldn’t keep up with my perceived mental acuity, when thoughts tumbled through my mind so fast that it felt like a swarm of bees was in my head, when I became uncertain that I could control my own impulses. It is frightening, finding yourself teetering at the edge of rational thought and reason, whether into darkness or into chaos, not knowing how far or fast you will fall into the unknown or if you will ever be able to climb out of it again. Medication and support have moved me comfortably away from that edge, at least most of the time. It has been a great relief not to spend so much time and energy dancing on the knife edge of insanity.
Your story and experiences are no doubt different than mine in their details, but perhaps not so different in terms of the profound impact they have had on your emotional well-being and physical health. Facing fears, one by one, is truly daunting, and for me at least, it has been the most difficult part of my journey toward wellness in mind, body, and spirit. It has also been the most liberating. My purpose in making this post today is to encourage you to face your own fears in the hope that you will be able to free yourself from whatever bonds are holding you back from being the happy, healthy person you deserve to be.
RP
There is no hiding that me having this surgery has made me face fears that I have never ever thought of. Sure I have been scared, but fear as an adult and fear for your life is a different ball game. So far in my life I have only had fear for my children. Now, 12 days before my surgery I'm asking myself some fairly deep life questions.
You postings are really helping me face my own fears going in to surgery.
I really needed to read this and I thank you for this. It was like you were reading my mind.
