UGH - Struggling with things

First off - let me say - I have NO regrets having my surgery, it saved my life!!  I wish I had done it sooner.

BUT......

I am struggling so much these days.  I just don't know where I fit in anymore.  This may get long and rambling and I apologize.

I am NOT the person I was before, with this journey, I have discovered that I hid so much for so long, and I just want to be ME!!  BUT, I really do not know who ME is.  That is the underlying problem.  I have had to wear masks for so much of my life, I really have no clue who I am.  It is so hard to adjust.  Don't get me wrong, I am not unhappy with life, I just want a life.  Does this make sense?  Here is my story -

At a young age, my father tried to molest me.  I was about 5! My mom caught him and they had words and fought, but it was forgotten.  Then at age 10 - my parents got divorced.  I lived with my mom until age 12 at which time she sent me here, to live with my father and step-mother.  At age 13, my father raped me and continued to make me live in that hell until I was finally able to escape, at age 23!  I know, some will say, WHAT?  I had a baby sister, 4 years younger, and for so long, he would tell me if I did not continue, he would simply go to her.  Well, I could not let that happen, she would never be able to survive it, so I continued to endure the abuse.  I would go to school and have my "happy" face on, and pretend to be a happy girl.  I did well in school, and did not cause any trouble.  At home, I tried so hard to not be put into the situation that I would be alone with my father, but he prevailed more than me.  NOBODY helped me, and I totally lost faith in God during this time.  I would pray, and pray and cry and hope that it would end, but it never did.  At one time, he even held a loaded gun to my head and told me he would kill me and then himself if I did not continue. 

OK - move ahead a few more years, well in Aug. 90, I met Tom, whom I fell head over heels in love with.  We  spent all our time together and by February of 91, we were married and on our own.  I was finally FREE from the hell I had lived.  My sister had moved out of the house, it was SAFE for us both.!!  Well, I realize now that I had only used Tom to escape - and had gone into another whole new hell.  He was an alcoholic and within 4 years, I had 3 children.  Well, now I had to put the brave face on and pretend that life was good.  Now, mind you, my husband had been told of my abuse that I had suffered, and it was put to rest.  So I thought!  I continued to put on weight, and HIDE from everything.  I am an enabler, my husband continued to drink and I continued to develop more masks to make everyone think that all was good. During our divorce, my ex decided to use what happened to me as a child, as a weapon againt me.  At the time, I did not realize that he would never get anywhere with it, but I was mortified of EVERYONE knowing what had happened to me.  So, I caved and did not fight.  NOW......fast forward.......

I have told my fiance - his sisters - and my daughters what happened to me.  It was a liberating thing to do.  I no longer feel the need to hide that part of my life.  BUT, I have realized I have always lived my life for what EVERYONE around me wanted.  I have never done things just for ME.  I was robbed of being a normal kid, I was robbed of being a normal wife, the only thing I have not been robbed of is being a MOM.  I would never trade that for anything in the world!!!

How do I know who I am????  How do I figure all this out??  Should I go see a shrink again?  Last time, they were not much help.  I just want to live life, but don't know how to do it.  I have been subdued for so long, I don't know how to move on.  Maybe the fact that my "father" has been very ill as of late - and I feel nothing for him, started these crazy feelings up.  I am horrified that I feel nothing in the fact that I don't care if he died tomorrow.  HE robbed me of so much, and I thought I had forgave him, but I don't think I can.  I think sometimes I should turn to God, but then I remember that HE did not help me back then either.  They say that if it don't kill you, it will make you stronger, but WTH did I ever do to have to be this strong???  I just want to be normal, is that too much to ask???

I know this is long, but damn it feels good to talk about it.  If you have words of wisdom, or thoughts, please share.  I am no longer in hiding, I NEED to find some peace and make my life right!

Thanks for reading.

Kel

Kelly,

First off, .........You are so brave, and I thank you for sharing this....The torment you endured as a child and young adult, I can't even imagine......HUGS....

I totally know the, "Who am I feeling." And the, I just wanna be ME.....

We really need to get together and sit down and chat......I'd love to share my story with you.....

I think going to a counselor is a good thing.....It helps to get things off your chest....I still go to mine....I started to go to her April of 2009....

I don't think it's wrong at all that you don't have feelings for your Dad....I too have parental issues....I have no relationship with my parents, I cut them out of my life years ago.....Another story to tell you.....

WLS is great, BUT......You change.....And I really don't think were ready for the change.....That's one reason I want to start a support group, to talk about the stuff no one ever seems to talk about....Depression, transfer addition, who's ME? etc......

Just know your not alone......There are a lot of us that are struggling with these same issues.....Who am I, what do I really want in life, etc....

I'll facebook you my number.....I'd love to talk with you....Maybe if we can put our heads together we can figure something out.....I'm almost 3 years out and I still struggle with who I am.....Although I have a better grasp on it.....

Hugs, Kel

When I read your post, the first thing that came to mind is that you are incredibly courageous for having endured what you did, especially to prevent abuse from falling on someone you love.  Courageous is a great thing to be, perhaps even the greatest thing to be.  As you figure out who are, who you were meant to be, know that you are courageous.

 

Many of us here struggle with who we are after surgery, much less able to bury our emotions in food, treated differently because we are thinner, and driven by the need to take care of ourselves physically and emotionally, often for the first time in our lives.  That part of the journey, the seeking of self, facing your own perceived weaknesses or vulnerabilities has been by far the hardest for me.

 

My first bit of advice to you is to first figure out what you need emotionally from the relationships in your life and work toward orienting your life around having those needs met.  That process will cause you to draw closer to some people and to push others away, especially those that have treated you poorly in the past.  You don’t need them in your life, even if they are blood relatives, if they prevent you from being healthy in mind, body and spirit.  Doing that is much easier to contemplate than to accomplish, but you will feel better and gain a clearer perspective on who you are as you cast aside the surly bonds of those negative people.

 

The other advice I have for you is to try some things you have always wanted to try, but haven’t yet due to physical limitations, lack of self-confidence, or the subversion of your interests to the interests of those negative people I mentioned earlier.  In doing that you will likely run across some kindred spirits and/or find a passion or two that will help you form the footings of a foundation for figuring out what you really are all about and what you can choose to be.

 

Good luck,

 

RP

The 2 previous posts both offered excellent advice.  You are incredibly brave to be open and honest about your past.  YOU have nothing to be ashamed of - you were a victim. 

It's no surprise you're wondering who you are.  Take time to figure out what you do and don't like.  I went through the same thing, and I'm still working through stuff.  I dealt with transfer addiction also.  I wouldn't trade my surgery for anything, either, but it is a lot harder emotionally than I thought it would be.  I thought I was prepared, but I wasn't.

I'm a huge fan of therapy.  It's almost like dating - if you don't hit it off with one counselor, try another.  You have had a lot of big stuff happen in your life, and you're engaged to get married - another really big thing.  Therapy will only help you, your kids, and your fiancee in the long run. 

And I don't think God abandoned you or didn't hear your cries for help.  I don't know why God didn't end things sooner for you, and why God doesn't prevent a lot of the awful things in this world from happening.  But you survived, and I believe that is because God wanted you to survive.  Maybe you'll be called to help others who have gone through similar things.  I will pray that you find peace and healing. 

Renee

Oh Kel, I am so sorry for the things you endured in your past.  It is more than any one person should have to face.  I agree, you are very brave to put yourself out there and I think that it is a great start in your search of self.

I think we get to a point or age in our lives when we weed out the people we don't feel enrich our lives.  We seek out those  relationships that are more reciprocal and feed our spirits.   I try to stay away from "toxic" people I would have tolerated in the past.  I simply don't have the time or energy to waste on them.

I agree, therapy is like dating, you have to try a few before you find a fit.  I've found it helpful throughout the years.  I hope you find someone you feel comfortable and can help.

I also like RP's advice to further put yourself out there and try things that you would have not had the courage to do before.  Life is a journey and I'm not sure we ever really find out who were are because I think who we are ebbs and flows.  My Sister always says "do you know how many times I have recreated myself?!"  But it's true. 

We are all a work in progress.  I can tell just by your post that you are on your way!  Keep going, keep reaching out and continue to let us tag along with you from time to time.

Thanks for sharing, the best of luck to you!

Tess

*gentle hugs*

Wow Kel...tough road!  I myself was abused as a child and young adult.  I know how it goes.  I see you posted about losing faith in God because He didnt stop the abuse.  I looked at it a different way.  Maybe it was ME instead of someone else (like a sister) because God knew I could live through it.  Maybe that other person wouldnt have been able to.  I look back on it and have decided that it gives me an iron will to protect my kids. 

Keep in mind too that the pain of abuse never goes away...we just learn new ways to deal with it.  For me that means MANY years in therapy and knowing my limits as far as stress and anxiety go. 

Im always here if you need a willing EXPERIENCED shoulder.

Hi, Kel.

I won't even pretend to understand the horrors you've gone through but I do want you to know that you are much stronger than you think.   You have personally saved someone else from those horrors.   I admire your courage and your willingness and eagerness to move forward in your life's journey.  

See a counselor, sweetie.   Get one you are comfortable with and eventally bring your fiance so you can work together to build a whole new life.  You can recreate yourself.   Maybe you'll volunteer to speak with others in that same horrible position.   Once you start sorting through your feelings and moving forward, your whole new and improved self will start coming through.  They say if you live the way you want to it eventually becomes your "normal".   Start now to make that happen and know that some things can't be fixed by yourself.   You may need meds, you may just need an ear to get it all out so you can walk away from it.

Shame on your parents for the abuse and for letting it continue.   You can't choose your family but you can choose which ones to keep actively in your life and which ones to expose your children to.   You've had enough regret for a lifetime so don't add to it by regretting any feelings about your dad.  They are yours to do with as you see fit.   Walk away and don't look back, and don't get guilted into doing anything you don't want to.

Good luck on your journey.   You deserve nothing but good in your future.    God does listen and I hope He grants you the peace and rich life you deserve.

Tuna

Kelly...my heart goes out to you. Believe me you are not alone.

I have been seeing a therapist for over 25 years....I too was sexually abused by a family member ...most all my childhood from infant on. There were other times various forms of other abuse took place. Including rape. Horrible things that I cannot share here. 

I too have been trying to find myself since WLS. I am finally starting to understand who I am. Thanks to the help of a great therapist and psychiatrist.

I am available to talk with you....email...whatever anytime at all.
Let me know if you want my number or email.

You are very brave....you are not alone!!

I am so proud of you....this is not easy to admit....I admire your courage!!!

HUGS.......connie d

Kelly, I have absolutely no experience with having to deal with such trauma, but I can see where a person would pack on the pounds - self medicate - when enduring it.  God Bless you - I believe the notion that you were chosen to protect someone less capable of surviving it.

I really do think you need to seek some kind of therapy or counseling, because it seems that a lot of self-realization is just coming to you now.  And yes, I do believe you have to 'kiss a lot of frogs' before you find THE ONE who can help you.  Don't stop looking!

Thank you for sharing, and may you find peace.

Kel - I'd like to reiterate what others have said - you are a strong woman and have survived hell.  Now.. keeping going.  And yes, I agree that counseling will help you.  You deserve to have a whole and happy life and your children deserve that kind of a mother.  You are a good human being who was a victim for some sick and possibly evil people.  Take care of yourself by getting the professional help you need.

All the best to you today and in your journey ahead.  May you find the peace you seek.

Mary