Do I Seem Scary to You? (longish)

Do I Seem Scary to You?

 

I know that most of you only know me through my sporadic posts here, but do I seem scary to you?  Would that perception change if I told you that I am bipolar?  Television shows, movies and news reporters so often seem to portray people who are bipolar as out of control, unpredictable, aggressive, sometimes violent or dangerous individuals.  Well, according to a pre-eminent psychiatrist I saw yesterday, I am bipolar, specifically Bipolar 1, albeit on the moderate end of the bipolar spectrum, and I have been prescribed a medication intended to lessen the severity of the mood swings that have plagued me for most of my adult life.  That stereotypical image of what it means to be bipolar doesn’t fit me very well at all.  I rarely get angry, I have never experienced rage, I don’t hit or threaten to hit anyone, I have never started a fight and I am not a verbally aggressive person.  
 

I used to feel ashamed of my mood swings and would eat and eat and eat to try to quell those feelings.  Since my weight loss surgery 2 years ago, I obviously haven’t been able to consume as much food as it would take to smother my emotions like I did in the past.   My moods are more evident to those around me at home and at work, which has caused more conflict than ever before.  In addition, it hasn’t helped that the severity of my mood swings has been increasing for the last 5 or 6 years.  I have lived with the fear that whatever was going on with me was destined to become unbearable at some point. 

 

My recent experiences with depression have been worse, including one last year during which I seriously contemplated my own self-destruction.  The upswings used to mostly result in greater clarity of thought, wonderful insights, bursts of creativity and extra productivity.  Those things still occur sometimes, but far less often and for shorter durations.  Over the past few years I have instead been more irritable, unable to focus for any extended period of time and overwhelmed with thoughts that compelled me to want to run away from my life.  Going to a psychiatrist seemed like something I should do if I wanted to one day lead a more emotionally peaceful life.

 

That being said, I expected this long-avoided official diagnosis to be emotionally devastating and, strangely, I have found it to be more of a relief instead.  A combination of hard-earned self-acceptance and the support I have received from people who care about me have left me more able to face this diagnosis with a sense of hope, the fear and shame I had been unable to face an already fading memory. 

 

RP

Your post just goes to show what I've often suspected - we're ALL crazy! 

Kidding aside, I think it's cool that you got an explanation for some of your behavior and why you used to eat.  I'm 4 years out and just got diagnosed with ADD this spring.  It explains SO MUCH of my behavior and feelings, and is a huge part of why I ate and then drank.  I am a total supporter of the mental health profession, and I think there's a big connection between mental health issues and morbid obesity.  

I'm really not one to look back and have regrets.  I do wish I had explored the mental health stuff earlier .  Maybe morbid obesity brought on by compulsive eating, and then cross-addiction to drinking could have been avoided.   I guess this is our journey, and we had to experience lots of stuff before figuring out some of the underlying stuff. 

Good for you & I hope the meds are a great help to you!

 I think all of us here have a monkey on our shoulders. I found at work that no matter the type of personality, that at times each individual was their own worst enemy. How do we gain trust and acceptance of ourselves, when we are so close to the flaws we possess? Yet others appear to be so "put together" and maybe "happy." 
 I sure don't have the answer, but I sure would like to overcome my self-destructive behaviors. I appreciate your candor, The worst part of us is that we are old enough to recognize our foreys into negative thought and behavior, yet unwilling OR unable to stop it (which is it?)  

  You ARE a good person go and take care of yourself!

I had to reply.....NO YOUR NOT SCARY......

  Can I come out now?  LOL.....

Seriously, We all have our issues.....It's good your confronting your's head on....And it answers a lot of your questions, I'm sure.....

Kelly

No you are not scary. My daughter was recently diagnosed as biplolar too. It is a relief to know "what" is wrong. Sometimes having a name for it can help you deal with it. Good luck and I hope the swing does go so hi or so low with the meds.
Carol

I wanted to thank everyone *****ads or replies to my post.  Your support and encouragement are truly comforting and very much appreciated.

Rick

Don't be ashamed. Bipolar is treatable and can be managed well. I work in the mental health field and have worked with individuals with bipolar all the time. :)

No worries :)

I think that the fear of diagnosis is much worse than any of the symptoms of the disorder.  My seven year old has been struggling since he was four with sensory issues, violent outbursts, facial tics, and an inability to relate to other children (specifically boys).  We were afraid of what was causing it, and when he was diagnosed with ADHD, we were like phew....it's treatable with meds, he'll be more "normal" now.  ADHD is so common now it wasn't a big issue.

However, when his issues weren't resolved completely, our fears began rising again.  What else could be wrong?  After a lot of testing we discovered that Chase has Asperbergers.  It was our biggest fear, a child with autism.  We weren't necessarily worried about how we would react, he's our child and we will love him no matter what.  Our concern was how others will treat him. 

When you hear a diagnosis of Autism, Bipolar disorder, or Schizophrenia most people become terrified.  They think of the portrayals in the movies where you have people who are unable to control their outbursts, are violent, and unable to function in the real world.  This is so NOT true.  I've discovered that once you have that diagnosis and you receive treatment, things are better.  I would rather hang out with someone who has been diagnosed and treated than someone refuses to see there is something wrong with them.

We were terrified of labeling him as society loves to do - judging him before they even got to know him.  We discovered though that Chase's diagnosis was a huge relief, we had a name to put to his issues.  He wasn't the bad kid and troublemaker that everyone at school thought he was.  We were then able to start treatment through Occupational Therapy to help him, and he's like a new kid.  There are some issues that he will struggle with for all his life, but with his diagnosis and subsequent treatment he will have the best chance of being "normal".

So RP, you are not scary.  You are more "normal" than the majority of people in society.  The fact that you realized that you had to get some help makes you stronger and smarter than most.  Now that you have the diagnosis you can start to focus on getting better, stronger, and feel better about yourself.  It takes the gloomy cloud off your head of what is wrong with me, why can't I handle this better, why aren't I like everybody else. 

Congratulations on your diagnosis, it's not the end of the world, it's the start of a better life for you!

RP, I've never met you, but I am once again awed and impressed by your ability to tackle your issues head-on, accept yourself and focus on the positive.  You are an incredibly strong person, and getting this diagnosis and treatment will only make your life better.  You should be so proud of all you have accomplished and look forward to growth and peace!!  You go!

RP....SCARY....I don't think so!!!!

You have wonderful posts....I always enjoy reading them....sometimes I don't have time to reply but I always read them that's for sure!!

You are a good friend...I am glad you were able to express yourself. Keep on keeping on!!

Have a terrific day....hugs.....connie d