Out of Body Experience
I have never had a near-death, out-of-body experience, but there have been many days since I had my weight loss surgery two years ago when I have felt out of place in my own body, like I was looking at someone trying to lead my old life who was not me. The best way I can describe that feeling is to call it a near-life, out-of-body experience where I can see more objectively how some aspects of my life don’t fit very well any more, but life goes on, however uncomfortably so. Just last week I was walking down a hallway at work and suddenly had the sense that I could see myself from above, could see that I was existing there, going through the motions, but not actually thriving as I need to do. It is that experience that caused me to spend the Fourth of July weekend lost in thought, pondering my future, wondering what will become of me.
Many of the old limitations that defined, and in some ways, confined me in my pre-WLS life, simply no longer apply. These days my world is fraught with possibilities not available to me in the past, be they physical, social or emotional. That fact is both exciting and terribly frightening because without those old limitations, I am more apt to make mistakes, to hurt or confuse others and myself. However, the energetic, physically fit, more confident, and often restless man I have become no longer settles well into a desk job 40 miles from home or into evenings and weekends spen****ching television or reading upwards of 100 novels per year.
I think I have a pretty good handle on the physical part of my day to day routine in terms of making healthy dietary choices, consuming enough fluids, taking supplements and getting enough exercise. By that I mean that I do well with those things at least 90% of the time and forgive myself and move on when I don’t. Such acts of self-forgiveness have been one of the biggest improvements I have made in managing my own emotional well-being.
It is with relationships and overall goals, both personal and professional, that I continue to struggle. Even if I tried to stay the same, others treat me differently than before and I have concluded that I must respond differently to such treatment as a result. Compounding the problem is that I am, in fact, different now, with greater expectations of others and of myself, having found something of a heretofore absent sense of self worth. It’s not that I used to be cowardly or obsequious, but rather that I have become noticeably more willing to voice what I want, what I need and what I think. In the case of my professional life, there is fundamental discord between what I need and the job I have, so I am pursuing alternatives, ever so slowly in this economy. In my personal life, I am trying to improve relationships so that they work in the context of the person I really am, all of me, even the sensitive, emotional, mood-swinging parts about which I used to feel ashamed.
Most days I think I am making progress toward finding and re-defining myself. Some days, I have come to realize, are not that way. So I take 3 steps forward and 2 steps back. Yet I know that real progress, life-improving progress, comes in fits and starts and not often in a straight, unwavering line. I have come out of the fat man’s body and into someone else’s, the new person within that thinner body is someone I am coming closer and closer to seeing more clearly.
