Relationship Problems?

I've been doing some reading and alot of people seem to have relationship problems after they've had WLS. I'm afraid something similar will happen to me. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 year and we plan to get married.  I am starting to really get into my health and he hasn't. We both put on weight since we started dating, but he won't do anything about it.  He doesn't eat healthy and exercise. We both need to change because soon we'll be living together and I want him to be healthy too. I want him to lose weight with me so we can have a long life together. How can I prevent this from being a problem once I have the surgery?

Have any of you had relationship problems from WLS?

 

Thanks!

Leigh

Leigh,

Got time for a coffee? LOL....

I would suggest counseling, NOW.....

You are going to change, you have to with this tool.....But with our significant others it's up to them what they want to do with there weight.....We CAN'T change them....

Seriously, if we ever meet I would be happy to talk more in depth.....

Good luck.....Kelly

Unfortunately, it is fairly common.  Some will say that WLS makes a strong relationship better, and will take a shaky relationship down.  I don't know that I buy it being MORE common than non-WLS relationships, but there are changes we experience within that can bring latent issues to the surface.

Most of us have spent the better part of our lives catering to others, in our pursuit of acceptance.  We feel, and maybe it's even true to some extent, that we have to be everything to everyone in order to have friends and significant others in our lives.

Then we finally start to take care of OURSELVES - our health - and we like it!  Which sometimes means we begin to DISLIKE the way others treat us.  They may have become accustomed to taking advantage of us, or taking us for granted.  So there is resentment internally when we begin to recognize this, and resentment from our SO's when we start to demand that they allow US to not always go with the flow, just in the name of keeping the peace.  It's a struggle, no doubt. 

And I'm sure this is only one form of the post-WLS relationship issues many people deal with, but it's a "theme" I've seen repeatedly with WLS friends over the past 3 years.  You would be wise to address this now, because if you get married without tackling it now, it WILL present a problem later on.  It kinda sounds like you've already got some resentment going on, if you'll forgive me for saying so.

Don't be so desperate for a relationship that you're willing to compromise this extremely important journey.  Take this time for YOU.   You won't regret making your WLS success a priority, but you WILL regret putting it on the back burner for a relationship that you're not sure of to begin with.

I had similar worries before I had my WLS, and I decided that if I didn't do what I needed to do to lose the weight I would be dead and we wouldn't be together anyway...and my daughter would be out a mother.  But that was my rationalization that I needed to do for me. 

The good news is, my husband has become my biggest supporter and cheerleader that I know.  Does he still eat food that he knows I can't-yes.  Do I let it bother me-not all the time, no.  Does it sometimes-yes.  But that's only because I let it.  If you are really serious about being in a relationship with this man, then you have to realize that no matter what you do, you can't change who he is and you can't expect him to go through this with you each step of the way.  It's your journey and you are the one who controls what happens to you and your life/body/journey.  Sure, he'll be there to experience your highs and lows after surgery, but if you try to make him do this with you when he's not ready, you are going to be having some major issues.

I would definately take the suggestions of the PP and go to counseling, but at the very least sit down and let him know your worries-if you are at all like me and stumble over words that you are emotionally involved with, I would suggest writing them down.

He supports me all the way too :) He is moving in with me in September and we had already planned on counseling. We are doing a workbook called 1000 Questions to Ask Before You Get Married.

I'm just worried that he'll continue to be unhealthy. We talked about it today and he wants to get healthy too. It's just that healthy food is so expensive :(

It's great that he supports you and I wish you luck on the big move!  It's definitely understandable that you would worry about him being unhealthy after surgery and to be honest there is a good chance that he will be because he won't have the restrictions that you will after surgery. 

Just last night my husband and I were running errands and we had to eat while we were out-I let him pick out dinner and he chose Culiver's.  He got a Bacon Double Delux Basket with the new Chipotle cheese curds and a large Root Beer.  Seeing as how it had been almost 7 hours since I last ate and there were few other choices for food available I  ordered something off the menu.  So I got a grilled chicken sandwich with no mayo and ate the chicken, tomato and lettuce and tossed the bun.  My point for telling you this story is you are going to be faced with these situations all the time after surgery and you can't feasibly expect those around you to change their life just because you are changing yours...even if you do love them and care for them and want to spend your life with them.

This may sound a little harsh, and I don't mean it to, but you have to stop using the fact that healthy food is expensive as an excuse to get healthy-for both you and him.  You can still eat unhealthy after surgery...it's not the cure all to weight problems.  I struggle daily with wanting to eat things that I know I shouldn't and some days I don't win the fight and my body tells me in not so subtle ways that I was a friggen idiot for eating that.

Again, I don't mean for my post to sound harsh at all and I apologize if it does.

You're not being harsh. You are being honest :) I need honesty!!!

Healthy food is expensive but one of the perks of WLS is that I will eat less so I can afford to buy it ! :) I'm actually excited about buying good stuff! I'm just afraid Justin won't want to eat it because we ALWAYS go out to eat. I think we need to work on eating at home more often. Do you set a budget about how much you can spend on eating at a resturant?

What other types of problems do you have? Jealousy? Anything?

Justin is super laid back and has never been jealous or worried that I would cheat. I'm the one who is like that but I'm sure once I gain my self-esteem back I won't worry that he would do that. I know he wouldn't but I dream about it all the time, so I must have some subconcious worries.

I'd love to have coffee with you all to gain support and talk about all of this, but I've been working like a mainac and haven't had time lately :(

Thank you all soooo much!
 

Remember that eating out is usually MORE expensive than eating at home.  Even if you're eating something healthy and not boxed mac/cheese.  You don't have to eat gourmet to eat well, you'll be surprised how well you can eat out of the usual grocery stores if you stay out of the restaurants. 

You're completely correct-you will be eating less so it is more economical.  If you are worried about what it's going to be like for eating after and if you truely do want to eat more at home, I would suggest starting out with eating one night a week at home and then two and so on and so forth.  My hubby and I used to go out to eat all the time too because it was cheaper and I didn't have to do dishes after, but now we go out to eat maybe once every other week or so because it's actually cheaper for us to eat at home now because my entire family eats enough food for one person (I have a very picky 3 yo who doesn't eat all that much unless it's fruit).

But it's a good idea to start getting into habits before your surgery that you will need to follow after your surgery to make the transition easier.

Jealousy is not an issue for my hubby and I at all-as a matter of fact, now that I'm looking "sexier" he actually pays more attention to me because he doesn't want other guys coming up and hitting on me!  Before, we just kinda hung out and did our own thing when we were out together, now we actually spend time together and have fun with each other. (Ok, that makes him sound like an ass, but really he's not)

I really don't buy the 'eating out is cheaper' bit.  EASIER, yes, but certainly not cheaper. 

Take that Bacon double cheeseburger basket - probably cost @ $7.  How much is a whole POUND of hamburger?  A 2-liter bottle of rootbeer?  Replace the cheese curds with some string cheese...?  You can feed a whole family a meal for what that one basket costs, AND have leftovers!

How 'bout a whole chicken, a pound of asparagus, a few potatoes or maybe some rice - Think you could get a meal like that for one person at a restaurant, for the same cost as you'd buy the ingredients at the grocery store?

Nope, I think restaurants are WAY more about convenience than savings.  AND, of course, recreation.  Dates.  I eat out, don't get me wrong, it's NICE once in a while!  But you can learn to make cooking HEALTHY foods a home a FUN thing!  Watch Food Porn (Network).  Buy fun cookbooks, look up recipes online - make it enjoyable for both of you! 

And then make HIM do the dishes once in a while!!!