Fear and Self-Loathing
Fear and Self-Loathing
Given that rather ominous title, you might find it surprising that this post is actually intended as a message of hope that I am writing for myself. I am posting it with the hope that someone else might also benefit from this message. Mood swings are a long-standing part of my life that I have had to manage differently since weight loss surgery. I can’t smother the inexplicable ebb and flow of my emotions with food any more and I don’t want to find out how easy it might be to drown them with alcohol, so instead I have chosen to face them as best I can, often with the help of supportive people in my life. There are usually a few days each month when I feel euphoric, invincible, and heedless of risks. I try to contain myself on those days or wear myself out with exercise. Similarly, there are sometimes a few days each month when I feel despair and the perniciousness of soul-crushing self-doubt creeps in. On those days I often face the fear that my negative frame of mind will get stuck in that dark place without means of escape and a cloying sense of desperation overwhelms me. I have learned to seek out support on those days, which often leads me to feel weak and unworthy of the good life I have. However, a little support goes a long way in helping to keep those demons of self-loathing at bay.
The good and bad thing about the mood swings I experience is that lately they tend to pass within a few days, sometimes within a few hours. Before weight loss surgery, the dark days would linger for months because I was ashamed of them and I would rather suffer needlessly than take a blow to my pride by seeking out support. The message of hope here is that by being more willing to seek out support, my good days now far outnumber the bad and the draining effect of those few bad days tends to pass more quickly than ever before. Of course I wish these mood swings didn’t occur at all, but they are a part of me that I no longer choose to let rule my existence.
RP
