Somewhat OT: Cold-Hearted Orb (long and a bit rambling)

Cold-Hearted Orb

As I rode my bike to the train station today, the horizon was the color of pink champagne, the rising sun a brilliant shade of orange burning through a bit of haze.  A half moon was still visible in the morning sky as I churned away, the smell of burgeoning spring just beginning to fill the air.  I pushed myself to the point of being slightly short of breath because, well, I had dawdled at home this morning and got a late start.  On this the fourth day of my bicycle commuting endeavor, I could feel my thighs strain with the effort of pedaling hard, yet I finally felt in rhythm, like I could ride that way forever.  I reached the train with time to spare.  As I sat down, I felt at peace, free to think, to let my mind wander wherever it might lead.

Some spoken words from the Moody Blues song “The Day Begins" got me to thinking about my life before surgery:

Cold-hearted orb that rules the night

Removes the colours from our sight

Red is gray and yellow white

But we decide which is right

And which is an illusion?

I have discovered over the course of the last year that much of my thinking with regard to how I felt about myself and the people in my life before weight loss surgery was really an illusion, the product of irrational self-doubt and oversensitivity.  I lived for more than 20 years in a bleak, cold, and frightening emotional landscape, ashamed of my inner self, believing that others saw me as I saw myself, leaving little room to consider the possibility of a different, warmer, more loving world in which to live, one that was already there for me if I would only open my heart to it.

My progress toward self-acceptance and an open heart has been made by fits and starts, some of that with professional help and some through the kindness and patience of people with whom I share this journey.  A few months ago, someone asked me how I was doing and I sent them this:

I am a whisper in a dream

I am everything, I am nothing

Lost in a silent scream

Obviously, I did go through a really rough period of confusion and despair back then, but I have emerged feeling better about who I am, with my personal relationships on much steadier ground, and most days, a feeling of well-being in my heart, the cold-hearted orb of self-loathing no longer ruling my days or my nights.

RP