Painfully Blue

I want to just sob.  I am holding it back.  I'm having a bad day and just need to let it out to people who will understnad and hopefully not judge me.

I feel like this is all a big joke.  I honestly can not see the weight loss of 50 lbs that everyone else sees.  Oh sure, I know it is nice to get the compliments, but today...well...I don't feel pretty.  In fact, I feel down right ugly.  No joking.    I have so far to go yet in my journey and I don't like seeing this fat thing in the mirror when everyone ele is celebrating.

I've got tears running down my face now and wish you guys were here to offer love and support.  I feel like a big fat loser...like I'm not going to look pretty for my son's wedding.  It's in May and I'm still so big.

I was afraid of this happening.  I knew when I started ..and it upset me then...that losing 48 lbs would still leave me at 200 which was way too much still. 

It's like when I've lost 50 lbs before I was almost at goal..years ago I mean... now it is just taking the tip off the iceberg and I'm almost feeling like I'm starting all over again.

I don't know what to think.  I dont' know how to explain it to my family.  I tried cheering myself up by talking via Skype to my two sons and going to Facebook to do my Farmville but nothing stopped the ever rising lump in my throat. 

Somebody out there understand?  I figure this is the safest bet that I'll be supported.  Really blue tonight.  Painfully blue.

Pardon me, but it kinda sounds like you are forgetting the health part of losing weight and TOTALLY focusing on looks.  Why did you have the surgery?  Are you saying you are at 200 now?  I fought for nearly a decade just to get to 200 and you got there in a super short time?  You are not going to look pretty?  That is why you are so blue?

Okay, I know you came here for support and you want people to show sympathy for your situation.  At 200 you are already WAY less than many of us.  I say you need to not focus on the mirror and the scale and start to fall in love with who you are becoming.  The mirror thing is befuttling even after 7 years post-op. 

You are beautiful.  I know it's hard to see.  I've been told that myself and still struggle with accepting that.  We all have down days and the mind tricks can be the most challenging part of this journey.  Please keep coming back and keep the dialog of your journey going.  Don't take my words the wrong way.  But please, forget the mirror.  If the mirror is what is making you blue you don't need it.

Paul

Paul,

Well said.  I don't take offense.  And I did get way side tracked.  I can not say that I am all better...but I can say that I will remember that it is important to focus on the health part.  I'm not over the looks part yet...but I give your advice some mind.

Thank you.

Tere:

I couldn't sleep, so I went to OH and saw your post.  For the first year or more after surgery, it is hard to see, let alone accept the changes in ourselves physically or emotionally.  That fear of having this, too, fail is a nasty thing that feeds on your self doubts.  It does get better over time and while you are waiting for that to happen, Paul is right that focusing on the improvements in your health really does help.  The other thing is that losing fat releases stored up hormones.  Some people get very depressed or very emotional as that happens.  One other possibility is that, since you can't really eat enough to numb your feelings right now (this is a habit that I had to break), your reactions and emotions will seem that much more raw until you find a way to cope with them other than through the consumption of large quantities of comforting food.  Anyway, I know things look grim right now, but they will get better and you will find your way forward soon enough.

RP

Tere, it sounds like you've got some hormones stored up.   I say go ahead and sob for a short while and then . . . . knock it off!    If you have lost almost 50 pounds in 2 1/2 months, you could well lose another 50 before the wedding.   My biggest losses were in months 4 and 5.  Just keep working your tool, hold off on shopping for the mother of the groom dress because you are going to change your body before the wedding, and know that you can and will succeed.

I have a wedding coming up, too, and know exactly why you want to look good,   I agree this is all to get healthier, but we also want to look good in pics and shine a little ourselves.

Here's hoping your blue funk disappears soon!

Tuna

My dear, 50or more pound is huge!  U are going to be so happy with how u look vs how u used to look!  I've found out that my body, at this momen with all it's extra skin, likes 160 to 165.  Mentally I don't like that number, and looking in the mirror, I don't like it, but I am generally a size medium, when has that ever happened in ur life?  That or a 14 or a 12 or a 10.  that is all joy!  I still want to wear cute panties, and cant, no dif than before, but there are still more men now illing to meet me than before.

Hey there good lookin, Here's a big ole smoochie for ya  Our heads  take a while to catch up with our bodies  TRUST ME..........  It will get better..........  You have come to the right place for love and support.  50lbs in this short time is FRICKEN FANTASTIC  so keep up the great work....... Maybe look at a before picture of yourself, and look at you now, then you will see how far you have come to a new, better, and healthier you,,,,,,,

Hugs to you

seeing ourselves as beautiful no matter what society says is beautiful has really been a goal I have been working toward for years!  and guess what, I FEEL beautiful and even though I weigh 206 lbs, my head assumes I am the most beautiful thing on earth!  So I am always shocked when I see a picture of myself as I really am and not the slim and beautiful woman I see in my head.  For now, focus on your head stuff.  Affirmations help me tremendously (ex:  I am beautiful and loveable EXACTLY AS I AM TODAY)  Maybe get a new hair style, color, lipstick.  Sometimes the smallest thing helps ALOT.  Hang out with those people who KNOW you are beautiful until you believe it too.  CRY!!  it's winter and we are all struggling especially without the carbs that we used as a drug to carry us through everything.  And then finally, know that this too shall pass.  I AM BEAUTIFUL AND LOVEABLE EXACTLY AS I AM TODAY!  say it until you believe it!  hugsssss, Dyanna

Hi Tere.  Now that you've gotten such wonderful support and reality checks here, please let me add a suggestion: get thee to a counselor!!!   It is such a loving thing to do for yourself.  Anyone who is going through the transition this surgery forces, probably could use some professional support.  We got that way for a reason and besides, change requires US to change!  All the best to you!

It's so hard to see the UP when we're feeling so DOWN - you're just going to have to trust that I know what I'm talking about first hand there.

YOU won't feel beautiful for a long time.  YOU are your own worst critic - when others seen the incredible shrinking TERE, YOU will still see your former self in the mirror.  The scrotum skin.  The rolls.  YOU see a lot more than others see, you need to believe that when they see you,  they are already amazed at the difference 50 pounds makes!  One way to trick your mind into seeing the truth is to TAKE PICTURES.  Every month, take a photo, full length, standing in the same spot - preferably in front of a door.  You'll be surprised by how much more DOOR you will see as the months go by!  And for whatever reason, photos allow you to see the progress that your mirror won't.  It's actually kind of amazing.

I've lost nearly 170 pounds, and I STILL weigh more than 200!  I've had people guess my weight (WHEN WOULD I HAVE EVER ENCOURAGED THAT BEFORE???  ), and people consistantly guess in the 175-180 range.  We will always look smaller to others than we see ourselves, because we know what the scale says.  Did you realize that by having been obese, your bones are like lead pipes?  You have ENVIABLE bone density!  But the downside to that is added weight.  My bariatric nurse once said that we (post WLS peeps) can EASILY weigh 20-25 pounds MORE than we appear to weigh for that reason alone.  So cut yourself some slack, okay?

You are beautiful, and you are doing an AWESOME JOB!  And seriously, don't go buying no dress for the wedding until the last possible moment.  You don't want to walk up the aisle looking like a bag lady!  At your current size, you'll be able to go into dang near any store you like and buy whatever you want straight off the rack!