Yearning to be a Better Man

Yearning to be a Better Man

It is a very strange thing to be re-learning how to deal with my emotions as I approach age 50.  In October and November of last year I went through the worst emotional crisis of my life, experiencing self-destructive thoughts for the first time ever.  I have never felt so scared, so helpless and incapable of addressing a serious problem, even during the head-on collision I was in almost a year ago.  Earlier this month, some things happened that have been really upsetting to me and I felt myself slide toward the darkness of self-destructive thoughts again.  Instead of reaching for the comfort of food or acting on those awful thoughts, though, I reached out to others for support until I was able to resume thinking rationally.  Exercising regularly helped as well.  However, I realize that some of my behavior during those dark times over the past 4 or 5 months was not commendable as I flailed about trying to distract myself, trying to focus on anything other than the bitter self-loathing that was consuming me.  Projecting my distress outwardly without regard to others isn’t any better in the long run than turning it inward on myself, so I know that I still have much work to do.  Thankfully, I am in a better frame of mind these days, hopeful about my future, learning healthier ways to handle my emotions, and still yearning to be a better man. 

RP