Malnourished! Really?!

I never thought I'd be on the receiving end of a comment like "you're so thin. Don't lose any more weight or you'll look malnourished."  I've seen lots of people on the main or RNY board mention getting comments like that, and I seriously didn't believe it would ever happen to me, let alone from a family member.
 
So, my mom yesterday: "Kristy you're getting so thin. Look at your arms." and she grabs my upper arm.  "How much more do you think you need to lose?" I said "Maybe 10-15."  "Well don't lose any more than that, you're already starting to look malnourished."  WTF?  You know, I realize she means nothing negative by it and I told her "You know what you just said, WLS people ***** about people making comments like that to them. I don't like that."  She felt bad and gave me a hug. 

My family is very close, and I think if I hadn't been SO over weight my entire life, where I'm at now wouldn't look so off to them.  I've been over 250LBS for at least the last 15 years, and have always been overweight/obese to varying degrees.  She told me my dad said the other day "I barely recognize my own daughter."  I don't think my mom would be as concerned either if it weren't for her own significant weight gain over the last year or 2.  And, I'm sure my sister is in her ear, selfishly worried that I might get smaller than her.  She's always pestering me, asking if I've lost more.  She's always been the better looking, smaller sister.   Not any more, on either scale.  

I'm 6'0 tall, currently about 185, close to my original goal of 180, but I think I'd like to ultimately be around 170.  That should drop me down about another size I figure, putting me in a MALNOURISHED size 12.  According to my BMI, I'm still technically overweight. 

Just had to vent.

Kristy - I think it's good to realize they don't mean anything negative.  Your parents love you and want the best for you.  We resent it when they worry that we're too heavy and then resent it when they worry we are too thin.  Just do what works for you, and if they ask, just say you are doing fine.  Love is the most important part of the equation.  Wish I would've realized this before both mine were gone!
Take care - you look mahvelous, dahling!

Kristy,

I'm sure you were taken aback by your mom's comments as you've worked so hard to get to where you are today.  We all want acceptance from our family members and it's hard when we hear things like that.  I think you're totally on track with what your parents and family might be feeling in terms of the "old Kristy" is just not there anymore, at least on the outside.  Family is so funny; they want you to be happy and I'm sure healthy but the person that they've always known is changing and sometimes that's hard for family members to see.

I know for myself my mom, who was never really heavy but seemed to battle her weight my entire life, decided to loose weight once and for all about 8 years ago.  She lost about 40 lbs and she just looked so different.  I remember saying to her something similar to what your mom said to you.  I think at the time I made the comments to my mom for several reasons; one she just looked different, secondly if she thought she still needed to loose weight what did that say about me, I was 150+ lbs overweight and I think if I was really honest with myself I felt worse about myself the thinner she got.  I so desperately wanted to be in control of my weight and take charge of my health like my mom but wasn't able to.  I didn't even have a concept of what a "healthy weight" was and my mom reminded me, at the time, that she was within a healthy BMI, maybe this might help you mom.   If your mom has a weight problem she might be feeling insecure about herself.  My guess is that her comment had less to do with you and was more about how she is feeling with herself. 

I say "keep up the good work" you look fantastic!  I think the best thing you can do for your family is to stay on track and get to the weight you find most healthy for you.  Through example maybe you can be an inspiration for your mom (you've been one for me as I've read your web page and have seen your success).

I hope to see you soon at coffee.

Kristy C

 

people are not used to us lookibng like this and to them we are different.  I know they don't mean anything by it but it is weird to see us way different.  It is a shock to them and eventually the shock will wear off.  You my dear keep up the great work and DAMN you look good!!

Oh I live for the day to hear my Father tell me that!

You go girl!

Kristy you don't look malnourished!  You look wonderful!  We all know what it takes to get to the point were you feel good.  You have certainly worked hard to get there. The number no longer counts, it's how you feel that counts.  Do what feels right for Kristy.

Well Kristy I'm only 5'2" and 177... so you're looking good woman!

I get told all the time how "skinny" or "little" I am.. and no, I'm really not.. I won't feel skinny or little till I am at my 140-150 goal.. which is BMI appropriate for my h/w... sooo...

I totally get what you're saying. An RN of all people, here at work... said to me "how much more are you really going to lose?"... I was like uh, well another 25lbs... she was like "oh? you don't think thats unhealthy?" 

so I hear ya.. I know I look hella different from 6 mons ago... 55lbs... and I know I am thinner than I was.. but I'm not "thin"or "little"... yet

Hey Kristy,

You seem to have handled this great.  You have accomplished so much and look absolutely WONDERFUL!!   In time, they won't even remember what you used to look like prior to surgery!  That is what I am waiting for! 
Keep up the good work and you will know when you are at the weight that feel right for you!

Take care and hope to see you soon!
Ranae

Ahhhh...parents.  They think they're saying the right things, or mean to, but sometimes it just comes across wrong.  And it's usually completely unintentional, but it doesn't make it any less hard to take sometimes.  It sounds like your mom is concerned & may have said it in a way that didn't let that come across, but I'm sure she is not only adjusting to a 'new you' but is also dealing with the big change of you losing so much weight & I'm sure your life is probably changing because of it.  It's such a huge adjustment for everyone involved, and since we're living it we may not realize how it effects other people around us.  People get used to us a certain way, especially if we've looked that way for an extended period of time.  What you said to your mom was great; you stood up for yourself & explained how what she said made you feel.

You'll know when you've reached your goal, what a healthy weight is for you, and you can concentrate on that.  You look amazing & you're doing a wonderful job with your weight loss!!  Keep doing what you're doing!